I can’t believe I’ve wasted my life playing war games.
Tony
This is already the best AAR I have ever read.
My gaming life is definitely wasted.
Why aren’t these all A’s? Fat missie, there will be no more dates for you! Up to your room!!!
Luckily, this is not a Chinese game…
I am awaiting the next update so much you have no idea. It’s a shame that Fan-Translated Boy-Touching Dating Sims don’t allow you to custom-name all the characters like X-COM does, or this could have had an entirely new level of hilarity.
A Qt3 themed AAR?
ElGuapo did one back in the day for XCOM that is friggin’ epic.
I died twice!
I’m in love with this game. Or this thread. Or Angie. Or possibly Mihara’s stylist.
What about the Man with the Sinister Mustache?
This is a regularly scheduled thread-read for me. It’s awesome, Angie! I hope this journey never ends.
I love this, and I love you.
Well, I call the sleepy guy. That’s me. Naps rule!
So much affection in this thread! But I only have eyes for Mihara. Granted, those eyes are often wide with horror at whatever abomination he calls an outfit he’s put together this time. And sometimes my eyes wander to Kijyo. Ok, this has already fallen completely apart, so let’s get on with the boytouching.
New Years is a pretty big event in this game, starting with New Years cards that you get from all your friends.
Of course the narcoleptic sends me a card with a sheep on it.
No doubt Mihara painted that one himself.
Kijyo’s hobbies now include watching tv, walking around with a motorcycle, and paper crafts? Weirdest bad boy character ever.
… and my cheerleader BFF appears to have sent me a young child’s art project that she dug out of dumpster and then scribbled on. I should so steal the guy she likes because of this insult.
Why are three or possibly four cards sheep themed?
I would totally marry a gal named “Killfuck Soulshitter” - mostly because I’m a badly damaged human being, but also because I would never be able to say her full name without grinning like an idiot and giggling like a schoolgirl on helium. To say nothing of all the cute nicknames I would coin for her! “Killfucky,” “Shitterkins” - the possibilities are endless!
But it would play so well off all the dog collars the boys apparently love to wear!
What I really love about the horndog-little-brother character is it’s Konami’s way of basically saying the player’s character is incapable of landing a soulmate for herself without someone else providing backup / interference / snarky Greek chorus duty. Because even in les affaires de cœur, girls can’t do anything for themselves, amirite?
So, I have to ask: are these games all about turning not-so-secretly gay men straight, or what?
Year of the Ram, I assume.
So after getting all my cards, it’s time to go to the shrine for New Years. I give Mihara a call to ask him if he’ll come with me and he calls me his lucky New Years princess. Not bad, Fabulous. But as soon as we get there, he starts bitching about the crowd and how much he wants to go home.
When did you become such a downer, Mihara? It seems like just yesterday you were molesting paintings and talking about riding iron balls like a Greek god.
Anyway, we get up to the shrine and I pray for a better relationship with Mihara, because what else am I going to wish for at this point? Sure, I have the option of praying for better grades or money, but eff it, make my queeny little boyfriend like me more please. The god of the shrine says “SURE THING” in a booming voice and I hear the tinkle of little bells. This is so appropriate for this relationship.
Afterwards, Mihara spots the fortunetelling booth and insists that we both go over and get our fortunes for the year. I get “Uncertain Luck.” Way to take a stance there, fortune-telling mechanism. Look, I’m at war with Mihara’s wardrobe here. You are either for me or against me, pick a side!
Mihara also gets “Uncertain Luck,” which he also finds disappointing, then reveals that he stole a second fortune just in case. His trickery cheers him up significantly and the date ends on a high note.
SO WHY IS IT THAT THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM HE HAS BECOME A NUN? The gods lied to me! They aren’t helping at all!
Mihara’s birthday is on January 15th, and I decide to go shopping to get him a present.
Probably the best present I could give him is himself, so I pick the hand mirror.
Mihara! You don’t say things like that to a lady! Well, despite the implications that he’s way too pleased to be able to get a look at himself, he does say he’ll treasure it and that I must really understand him well to get him such an awesome present. I have mixed feelings about this.
No, in fact, none of the other guys in this game are anywhere near this effeminate. I just struck gold when I joined the Arts club.
It’s Rabbit this coming year (in less than 2 weeks!) The Ram year is 5 years away. weird…
He isn’t actually a girl crossdressing as a guy to sneak into an exclusive all-boys school…is he?
Kijyo’s character must have been designed by some little girl’s mom.
While my heart recovers from the revelation that Mihara is experimenting with autosexuality, I ask Kijyou out for coffee. He informs me that he is a caffiene addict and can’t ever turn down coffee, so off we go. I get to ask him a question to get to know him better and I ask him what his favorite food is.
Can’t any of you jerks answer a straight question! “Durr, I hate thinking about food” is not an answer! If I show up at your house with a basket full of fresh, hot nothing, you have only yourself to blame.
Next big event up is Valentine’s Day. The day when school girls make chocolates to give to the guy they like. I buy the best chocolate I can and then get ready to endure the most difficult mini-game in the game.
So here is what happens. My womanizing little brother will hold up one of these four signs to tell me how to stir the chocolate and I will have a couple of seconds. In theory, these signs tell me if I am starting in the center or the outside of the bowl and which direction to stir in. In reality, these signs make my brain blow a raspberry and I just flail randomly. So I have an honest-to-god cheatsheet that lets me know what any of this bullcrap means. So fuck you, incomprehensible mini-game, I made PERFECT chocolate.
Ok, it’s pink chocolate, which I would automatically classify as not perfect. And my little brother is way too excited about my success there. Mihara had basically no reaction to getting some of my chocolate, probably because he gets so many. I give the other half to Kijyo.
Don’t you DARE underestimate my stirring-in-the-right-direction skills, mister!