2013 Senate Confirmation Show

I didn’t think that this belonged in any other active threads, so here goes:

To start with, we’ve got Chuck Hagel, candidate for SECDEF. You’d think he would be a good candidate, since we was a well-respected Republican nominated by a Democratic POTUS and all. But apparently for fun on weekends he releases gays, Jews, and gay Jews out into the wild and hunts them for sport, “Most Dangerous Game” style.

Confounding that flaw, he’s also got lots of problems with his views on the military. See, he actually served in the military, which is a definite no-no because it makes you have some silly views of the military-industrial complex’s hold on the nation. To wit: you actually have a realistic view of the military industrial complex’s hold on the nation. Hagel apparently believes that since we’re about to pull out of our last remaining shooting war and have some money-flow issues, we should cut back on our military spending. What an idiot.

Next, we’ve got John Brennan, candidate for Director of the CIA. He’s got lots of problems. First, he used to work at the CIA, which should automatically disqualify him – knowing what’s going on in the “black” world is a terrible thing, since you’ll know more than the Senators who are confirming you, and that’s always bad. Plus it sounds bit racist.

Also, according to folks on the Left, Brennan was personally responsible for holding down kittens while other secret agents water-boarded them. According to folks on the Right, Brennan gift-wrapped personalized copies of the Koran for Gitmo detainees while he worked on Obama’s campaign.

Finally, we’ve got John Kerry, candidate for Secretary of State. Kerry is loved and admired on both sides of the aisle and should cruise through the nomination process with no issues. It’s a pity he doesn’t have higher political ambitions; with such bipartisan appeal you can’t help but think he would have made a good presidential candidate for someone.

As much as I fucking hate Democrat’s fetish for nominating Republicans, apparently the GOP really doesn’t like Hagel, and he’s a pacifist by their standards. So troll successful.