3x3: Add a Shot/Scene to the End of a Movie

My apologies to Paul Weimer and Greg Ambrose. You guys had great entries and topic-hater Tom would’ve had to react to them, but I forgot my technical duties and was whisked away before I could correct.

So, yeah. Improving on movie endings. Or in Dingus’ case, ruining them. Or in Tom’s case, outtakes. Sigh.

Kelly Wand
3. Return of the King: Frodo’s nightmare
2. Star Wars: Vader’s crash

  1. Close Encounters of the Third Kind: Dreyfuss’s Garr

Tom Chick
3. Planet Terror: outtakes with prosthetic hands and syringes
2. The Change-Up: outtakes (no examples cited)

  1. Pitch Perfect: outtakes (no examples cited)

Dingus
3. Thelma and Louise: parachutes
2. The Fountain: petting zoo

  1. Meek’s Cutoff: shopping mall

This week’s 3x3 listener submissions:

Paul Weimer
3. Total Recall (2012) - All a Rekall
2. The Mummy (1999) - Excavated husband and tome

  1. Minority Report (2002) - Uptick in murders

Greg Ambrose
3. The Conversation: Paranoia and solipsism converge on a knife-edge
2. Blade Runner: an alien pops out of his chest, which convinces him he’s a replicant, so he and Sean Young catch a cab to Colorado

  1. Total Recall (not 2012): Arnie turns into Newhart

Top those if you dare. Or at least Tom’s.

The violence interruptus 3x3

  1. The Grey: Liam Neeson, wolf-puncher, stands covered in wolf-gore and howls towards the sky. Because it turns out man is the real beast after all.

This one’s a bit disingenuous, I liked The Grey, including the ending. I just like the way that sounds when Kelly Wand reads it in my head.

  1. Cosmopolis: Robert Pattinson’s head explodes in a shower of gore.

So Cosmopolis. I thought Pattinson did a fine job playing a loathsome alien, but since the movie doesn’t work, I’d rather it had ended with Scanners-quality exploding head gore than whatever that ending was getting at.

  1. Killer Joe: Dottie kills everyone except Gina Gershon.

Because fuck Killer Joe and all its horrible characters. It’s a really wellmade movie, but it’s based on a really skeevy and unpleasant screenplay, that had me longing for some cathartic violence to be visited on those men.

Cosmopolis ended after about twenty minutes, when I sauntered out of the theater to see something else. :)

Otherwise, your picks are along the lines of Dingus’ attempts to ruin movies. I’m a bona fide Killer Joe fan. That movie needs to end exactly where it ends, not a second sooner and not a second later! You can’t very well do Texas Gothic without some loathesome dudes mistreating women horribly.

-Tom

“The hitman wants twenty.”

“Thousand?”

I couldn’t think of any other way to go with this thing. I’m just not ironically ruining 2. and 1.

Killer Joe lost me with the chicken scene, specifically the way it’s edited. That’s when the movie crossed the line from observing horrible dudes being horrible to women to reveling in it.

Ha, I like your summaries better than my own paragraphs, Kelly. I’m going to hire you to ghostwrite my 3x3 choices from now on.

Ok, off topic but how did a video game website that also does a movie podcast not do one for Wreck-it Ralph?

The Terminal: Viktor has to acquire citizenship in his newly reformed home country.

The Iron Giant: 4 months later, he realizes his knee bolts went into orbit.

Galaxy Quest: The show is cancelled after one season.

At the end of Blair Witch Project, someone jostles the camera so the angle changes and we see that the one guy WAS peeing in the corner after all.

Okay, I want to reverse the subject:

  1. Remove the stupid wedding from the end of the credits of Napoleon Dynamite. The tether ball ending was absolutely perfect - no need for fucking Napoleon on a horse in a flowy shirt. I hate that shit.

  2. Get rid of the rat at the end of The Departed. Scorsese is probably the last director who needs to bash us over the head with his point -totally fucking stupid.

…and I can’t think of a #3, but I bet there are hundreds.

Limbo - The plane is full of giant bats.

We don’t do cartoons. Sniff.

-Tom

P.S. I refuse to believe Wreck-It Ralph is any good, but I don’t know how long I can hold out.

Well done! Bruce Geryk has a principle that needs some sort of fancy name – the Geryk Axiom? – in which he claims that all movies need to end ten minutes earlier than they actually end.

-Tom

2001 becomes forgotten by 2001.
Return of the King avoids all controversy over too many endings.
Blade Runner becomes a story about a human chasing replicants.
Memento becomes reliable.
Back to the Future becomes logically consistent in a single-world theory.

I’m out.

AI ends before the aliens show up and ruin everything.

For budgetary reasons, the films The Blair Witch Project, Memento, and the 1980 “Who Show J.R.” story arc of classic prime-time TV drama Dallas all share a common, and equally cathartic, new ending.

OR, we keep the robots (come on, man) and add a coda where Godzilla comes and wrecks them all.

The alien looking beings were the evolved descendants of robots. Or so I thought, I only saw it once.

Let the Right One In: Eli turns to Oscar and says, “Man, I’m frickin’ STARVING.” Lunge, fade out.

Adding scenes or shots:

  1. another vote for Return of the King: after the credits come all the appendices from the book. Elrond, Bilbo, and Gimli address the camera to recite Middle Earth history, explain how to speak Sindarin, and trace the family tree of Thorin Oakenshield.

  2. Cabin in the Woods: The Old Ones are rampaging across the Earth, when one of them sniffles, then sneezes. All of them are brought down by the common cold. Humanity is saved.

  3. The Red Violin: Samuel L. Jackson gives the Red Violin to his child, who then shoves it in a closet and takes up karate instead.

Runner up: Saturday Night Live already found the lost ending to It’s A Wonderful Life.

At the end of any of the Scary Movie films, the writer and director apologizing to the audience.