I thought you were the walrus? Slyfrog is the egg man this week.
Goo goo ga joob.
I hit a spot like that in my life as I approached middle age. I started having regrets about nonproductive time, but at that point not knowing what to do. I was already a bit of a leader within some gaming groups, but there was something missing.
I kinda happened into martial arts, and then into motorsports, both through friends and also a bit of “what the heck lets try it” attitude. I did not begin with any preconceived passion really in either, but I was curious (I’d played driving and fighting games before), so I tried them.
What kept me coming back was physicality of the activities. Not just in the athletic sense, but in the real world interaction and real world outcomes. i have found this to be true now for me overall. I get satisfaction from fixing things, working in the yard, volunteering for the local high school, etc. This is different than when I was younger
I still play games, and get satisfaction from them. But I often find more satisfaction from my more “real world” hobbies.
For all of the drugs that I have tried, they just do not seem to do anything material for me. I find myself literally guessing, “Is it doing anything? Maybe it’s doing something? Do I feel better? I don’t think I feel better, but maybe it’s doing something really subtle that I’m not noticing?” The doctors tell me that I should get more improvement than that. On the other hand, I definitely get the side effects, which frankly suck.
I’m not sure about there not being a “cure” for depression, but I think what I hope for is essentially what you are saying. I do have some hope that I can come to grips with this. Untangle my mind so to speak. Live more in the present and worry less, as Nixxter and others have said. To some degree, I do see that as a “cure.” Because life will never give exactly what you want in any given moment. That probably wouldn’t be healthy even if it did occur. But I have a hope that we can reach a point where we have contentment and acceptance of the way things are. And, as Nixxter and others have said, notice the good things.
I have difficulty with my divorce, because when I look back, it seems like my now ex-wife really behaved very poorly throughout the marriage. Therapists and others have also suggested that. But then I think, that’s what everyone thinks. What if I’m just that guy that blames it on others? The therapists only hear my side of the story (although the one I’m currently seeing met her a few times and now tells me that her behavior in the therapy was problematic).
While I came out of the relationship much more intact financially than a lot of people do, I think it contributed heavily to (or perhaps exacerbated is a better word) my condition. How do you not question your self-worth and life choices when someone leaves? I made a lot of mistakes, but trying to be as objective as I can, I do not think they were “catastrophic.” But again, how do you really know that? (I know, one answer is, it frankly does not matter because it is the past, and all you can do is try to live well in the present, but that some times presents cold comfort.)
It’s interesting - I read that one of the funny things about anxiety is that it feels like it serves a purpose. Because by worrying g about things, we tell ourselves that we are being vigilant to prevent those bad things from materializing. I suppose the natural corollary to that is that we have to be able to let go, and stop worrying so much that if we are not always on guard, bad things will happen. It’s sort of like when you are a kid, trying to stay awake to keep the monsters under the bed from coming out. The reality is, your efforts are doing absolutely nothing. It’s the same thing with most anxiety I guess.
This, I think, begs the question a bit though. Because again, how do you define “happy” and “hurting anybody.” If you’re a couch vegetable playing videogames 12 hours a day, on one level you could say you are happy. But are you as happy as you could reasonably be leading a more balanced, fruitful life? Are you healthy?
A child will engage in very unhealthy behavior unless it is corrected. Do we really lose that tendency so completely as adults, such that we are good so long as we are happy? I have a half-a-pound of cookie dough to go eat. :)
Sometimes I worry that by being too much in the present, I can sink into just day-to-day hedonism/gratification. Of course, I then worry that while being in the present is good for this present, it is bad for tomorrow’s present. :)
I hope that there is something to this. I’m getting lunch with a friend today, and going to a book club meeting tonight. :)
It’s a good question, but I think the answer has to be knowing yourself and what will really make you happy in the long run. When I was a child, I didn’t think beyond the next few hours…I wasn’t really equipped for it. A few decades later, I’ve learned to think about my own happiness in a longer timeframe.
What this means is that I’m not going to eat that cookie dough (or at least not all of it), knowing what it’ll do to my digestive system and waistline. I’m going to hit the gym a few times a week, not just lay on the couch. I’ll seek out social opportunities, both to make contributions to the greater good with volunteer work and the like, and to maintain relationships with friends and family. Because I know that if I don’t, in the long run I’ll be less happy (and healthy).
Obviously this isn’t always easy. I’m far from perfect, and I’m sure most of us here will say the same. Every once in a while I eat stuff I shouldn’t, or skip a few days of gym work, or hibernate at home for a week without social interaction. But good relationships with people who will ask you how it’s going is a good prod to stay on the right path.
Are we going to “rate” happiness now? Being happy or pleased with your life is a good thing and perhaps thinking you should be happier isn’t really that healthy a thought.
As for playing video games 12 hours a day on your couch being physically healthy, well, that’s another question. But how healthy is riding a motorcycle or doing something physical just because it makes you happy.
TEN EASY STEPS TO LIVE A FULL LIFE WITH QUIET DIGNITY
- “If you don’t like me, I sure as FUCK don’t like you.” That is Rule One.
- Every morning, get up and drink coffee until it induces MASSIVE DUMPITUDE. Then get in the shower and WASH YO ASS. Now you’re ready. (Ready for what?..Who cares?)
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
- Sing songs to yourself about what is in your heart. Mine tend to go along the lines, “I like the girls, the girls with the tits, the girls with the tits that go BOOM BOOM BOOM” and even more often along the lines of, “You can’t go WRONG, with my thick DONG, so suck it like a BONG, while soaking your THONG,” but it’s never the same twice, except that I almost always sing the theme from The Monkees too
- It takes TEN TICKLES! (think about it)
- If a motherfucker starts trippin fuck up his motherfuckin shit — no mercy
- If you can’t fuck up his shit do it anyway
- Rockwell was better than Michael Jackson
- I’m always up in your girl so don’t look too closely up there
this is wise, but mostly #6
Several years ago I was at a arts and crafts fair & this lady had all these sayings on these little glass fired plaques. This one resonated so much with me and I think if you can adopt this attitude, all your worries will go away:
Nice. Doing it right 👍
That’s awesome. One of my favourite aphorisms is, “You may have to grow older, but you never have to grow up.”
Perhaps it is you who has changed.
Honestly, if you didn’t question that after a divorce then I’d find it quite surprising. That’s someone you loved and who loved you, yet you each “opted out.” The “why” has a question mark akin to a black hole. In the end, as you surmised, it doesn’t really have much point. Each person and each relationship has various thresholds for ending and strengthening, so trying to focus in on just one for a relationship that’s over won’t get you anywhere.
But the “what” is frankly more useful. What was good, what was bad. Learning from your past is a great thing; not just mistakes, but successes as well. Learning your strengths and how to lean on those in the future should always go hand in hand with assessing your weaknesses. If you ever find yourself making bullet points of screw-ups, try to cognitively balance that. This is a gaming forum, so maybe think of it this way:
- Do warriors constantly dwell on how they suck at spellcasting? In the next battle, do they lead with trying to launch a fireball because they want to get better at it?
- Do mages think all the time about how pathetic they are with melee? Do they pull out a great sword and start hacking hobgoblins?
No, of course not. They get better at what they’re good at, and round out their weaknesses a bit while doing so. Maybe that warrior gets a flaming sword. Maybe the mage casts mage armor and dancing sword. But neither should lose sight of their personal strengths. And maybe—just maybe—they find they prefer something totally different and multiclass just to ruin my metaphor.
Love that. You could make all kinds of variations of it too. A band called Bowling for Soup already did, the song they made is called “High School Never Ends” And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve agreed with that statement.
Edit: after taking a closer look, my post may have been approaching this from the wrong end. Your quote was about remaining youthful, mine was more cynical, about how some people fail to mature and spend their lives being selfish shallow assholes. But anyway, I still like both.
I woke up in the body of an old man today. In my head I’m 16. I look in the mirror and I wonder where i went wrong. How the fuck did I get this old? That’s not me. No fucking way.
I used to run track. I was the bouncer at a bar. I was a computer hardware troubleshooter in college. People used to leave computers that wouldn’t work for anyone else with my name on them. I fixed them. Every time.
I used to draw. I was pretty damn good. My father taught me. I drew comics. Sometimes on LSD. I worked at Canal Jeans. Sometimes on LSD. I dealt weed.
I still think I’m that kid, the guy that did live sex shows in Times Square. At 17 years old.
But I hurt now. My left hand is getting arthritis. I can’t wear my wedding ring because the finger is swollen. I’m slowly falling apart.
I still can’t feel being 59 years old. I think about this all the fucking time.
But when I consider it, I did more in one lifetime than many people. So I’m cool.
Until the next time I wake up.
🎵 I got my own reasons to drink now 🎶
When was the year your adventures ended?
For me, it was about 1985 (age 25). I mellowed out significantly after that.
I look back on that time very fondly, and would not change a thing, but my god I can’t believe some of the things I did in my late teens/ early 20s.
After I was hit by the car I slowed down a lot. Around 1991. So 32 years old for me.