Anyone want to talk? Illness guilt is, not sure how to describe

Everything else
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I’d understand if no one wants to delve into this thread. It’s deep, and my brain is messed up.

Started nearly 2 months ago with a persistent right lung bleed - hemoptysis. It was bleeding pretty bad after Jen and I would work outside, then would clot up for a bit.Rinse repeat for months until it finally blew wide and the bleed wouldn’t stop even when I wasn’t working on the frop bog.

I avoided the hospital out of guilt. I felt bad thinking about people who were stuck in various bad circumstances around the world. The extremely ill people in Puerto RIco who deosarrtoy needed a hospital, yet here I have great access to medical facilities and I could technically live with this past situation with a very small chance of critical bleedI would not have a chance to correct if not the hospital already. Equally worried of my family coming to visit me in hospital and coming home sick themselves.

I just feel, messed up and confused, and I feel bad that I had good care, and I look all over the world at people who need medical help and can’t get it.

Hpositaod are always near capacity, but this was the worst I’d ever seen. The hospital was so overwhelmed we had a decision to wait at home hope the bleed didn’t blow wide open as has happened in the past or stay in emergency room for at potential 36 hours because it was crammed to the gills with deathly ill people. The heavy load of airborne viral and bacteria strains made making walking the halls dangerous. I had to keep my room closed all the time, and couldn’t only walk the halls briefly if they were empty and I wore gloves, mask, and full garb.

My parents of course wanted to come up anyways, but for the first time I had to tell then if they did I would deny them entry to my room because I could not stomach the risk they were taking to see me. I just want to cry, I feel so bad about getting sick now, dollars going to me. I offered to d/c some of my meds so maybe younger patients might get coverage or help. The doctor said it doesn’t work like that and to not think that way… but how can I not?

I think I feel guilty I’m alive and all my friends have died and I really need to go the frop bog and betterfly koi pond done, because I need to leave something behind that says the meds and time doctors out into me were worth it.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I am seeing a counselor, who keeps telling me I’m a good person and my life is full of life I should be happy about. But then I think of a single an elderly lady who needs hospital stay in zpuerto Rico I wish I could have brought her here and she could have taken my place
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One would think with how awful I feel phsycsilly, and inability to even take a shower without help (embarrassing) , that this would go to back of my mind. But it’s forefront all the time and I don’t know why.

Maybe if we didn’t have a soulless fascist dictator who hates anyone who’s not white or licks his feet, my mind would be able to figure something out. Little lost. I also feel like I betrayed my fish and frogs being gone and not here to heklp prep them better for Topor (their version of hibernation).

Sorry this is so long. Writing this late at night, despite a lot of sleep and pain medication I just can’t sleep. Not going to review this post or ill delete it and feel bad. But maybe someone here can give some wisdom to me no matter how unrelatedl. Apologies again for such a long post and displaying my heart though confused and messed u as it may be.

Thanks for sharing.

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Jeff, just the fact you are asking these things shows the good person you are. Even when facing such hard circumstances all you are talking about is others.

It sucks you feel this way. It sucks how you’re confined to a hospital. I’m glad you’re still around, still posting. You have a big heart.

You can’t think of those who don’t have a hospital in Puerto Rico though. You can’t feel guilty over your care that others aren’t getting. It, like the nurse said, doesn’t work like that. The care is available for you, focus on that. Focus on feeling better. That’s all you can do. The best way for you to help others is to take care of yourself, and get healthy again. To be able to have those nieces and nephews come visit the bop again.

Let us (metaphorically) carry you today. Tomorrow who knows, maybe you’ll help carry us in some way. That is, after all, what society is supposed to be about.

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There’s always someone out there even worse off. But that doesn’t for a minute invalidate your own hardships or feelings.

When you’re in need, you focus on getting better and let the people who love you support you. Maybe down the road you’ll do the same for someone else.

Wishing you strength to deal with everything you’re going through, and a quick recovery.

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Is there anything we can do financially that would make things easier? Just let me know. Those who have more, can give more.

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Jeff, I can only speak from the perspective of someone who has a loved one who feels the same kind of guilt.

Don’t worry about it. It’s more important to everyone that you do what you need to take care of yourself. That’s the best way to take care of them, because they love you are you are important to them.

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JP you are a very special and remarkable individual, fully deserving of the finest care available.

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Thanks for the kind words.

Rich, I’d seen something bird related and I had meant to post it here as you would have totally just been agog and I can’t remember. It had something to do with bird intelligence and compassion and I’m kicking myself for not being able to place it. So I will totally make up something that might be close… A parrot giving a frog a lift away from danger. I mean that isn’t it, but I think it was similar. Or maybe not. But it was the combination of sentience and compassion from another species that thrilled me to read and totally made me think of your “kids”. I think you called them your kids. I call our frogs and fish and cats our kids since we don’t have human ones.

Catching up on some pm’s slowly. I’m a bit slow. Sorry for that. And thanks for letting me talk here.

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Hey Jeff, was it maybe a cockatoo feeding pasta to a dog? There are a lot like that. Parrots and corvids are scary smart. Thanks for thinking of me.

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I totally get the whole illness guilt thing and even if you are intelligent and self aware, its an easy trap to fall into. After working my entire adult life and holding my last job for over 22 years, a bad run of health issues cost me my job. Since I live in a right to work state, they simply laid me off due to “restructuring” rather than admit that my diminished physical well being was the issue. I did end up qualifying for SS disability on my first application but that process took almost 18 months. This of course destroyed my savings and ate up a substantial portion of my retirement funds, just to keep myself afloat. I am making it work financially at this point but each month is a juggling act. Anyway, dealing with the chronic pain seems easier than dealing with the emotional trauma. I fight guilt all of the time. I feel guilty that I am not working, I feel guilty for collecting SS disability, I feel guilty for my inability to do tasks that a few years ago were simple and easy. I feel guilty because I rely so much on family and friends. It got bad enough that, due to thoughts of suicide, (not that I ever felt I was going to do actually do it but it seemed every day the idea of just ending what felt like a pointless existence would pop up) I finally broached the subject with my doctor. They put me on some antidepressants, which helped a bit but I also decided to see a counselor. That helped a lot, which brings me to my point. Seek professional help, as soon as possible. I am far more in tune with my reality today because I had someone to help me get past my self recriminations and guilt. Life is too short to feel miserable, especially mentally. I can only do so much about my pain and limitations but I can now deal with that. I just needed to understand that the guilt was far more debilitating than my physical condition and I really have nothing to feel guilty about. I still have some rough patches but I can now refocus and keep myself from indulging in that guilt. Even my worst days are far better than the best days I faced before I got help. Its a tough battle when your brain is your own worst enemy but the fight is far easier if you have someone else to help you. Even if it’s only to help you regain a realistic perspective.

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Thanks for sharing your stories here. This is the most real thing anyone can do and I find the stories immensely helpful, both on an understanding your journey level and also on a personal level, for my own journey.