Associated Press Notices Bush Is Full Of Crap

WASHINGTON (AP) – “Some look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude that the war is lost and not worth another dime or another day,” President Bush said recently.

Another time he said, “Some say that if you’re Muslim you can’t be free.”

“There are some really decent people,” the president said earlier this year, “who believe that the federal government ought to be the decider of health care … for all people.”

Of course, hardly anyone in mainstream political debate has made such assertions.

When the president starts a sentence with “some say” or offers up what “some in Washington” believe, as he is doing more often these days, a rhetorical retort almost assuredly follows.

The device usually is code for Democrats or other White House opponents. In describing what they advocate, Bush often omits an important nuance or substitutes an extreme stance that bears little resemblance to their actual position.

He typically then says he “strongly disagrees” - conveniently knocking down a straw man of his own making.

Bush routinely is criticized for dressing up events with a too-rosy glow. But experts in political speech say the straw man device, in which the president makes himself appear entirely reasonable by contrast to supposed “critics,” is just as problematic.

Because the “some” often go unnamed, Bush can argue that his statements are true in an era of blogs and talk radio. Even so, “‘some’ suggests a number much larger than is actually out there,” said Kathleen Hall Jamieson, director of the Annenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

A specialist in presidential rhetoric, Wayne Fields of Washington University in St. Louis, views it as “a bizarre kind of double talk” that abuses the rules of legitimate discussion.

“It’s such a phenomenal hole in the national debate that you can have arguments with nonexistent people,” Fields said. “All politicians try to get away with this to a certain extent. What’s striking here is how much this administration rests on a foundation of this kind of stuff.”

Some people are going to ignore this story. They’re going to tell you “I don’t care what some goat-fucker thinks about our President.” But I think that Brian’s weird goat-related fetishism merely serves to distract us from his lack of patriotism and his unabashed secular humanism. That, and not his sexual deviancy, is why you should ignore this story.

God bless our troops.

My fellow Americans, it has just come to my attention that in the UK hardly anybody is tooling around with a “Support Our Troops” ribbon on their car. The contingency seems almost too exotic to contemplate. The mind reels.

What are those Brits doing, not Supporting Our Troops? Why do they hate America?

Is it possible that they have perceived what appears to have eluded American consumers of prepackaged sentimentality: that the phrase “support our troops” is actually defined by the OED as “an empty gesture; to affix a meaningless 79-cent magnet to the exterior of an American car; of or relating to a race of bigoted white American buttmunches”?

Perhaps our magnet-eschewing British brethren know what bigoted white American buttmunches don’t: that nobody in the history of jingoistic sloganeering has ever read a magnet and said to herself, “You know, I’ve never supported our troops before, but this magnet really speaks to me! I do Support Our Troops, by gum!”

It seems extraordinary to those of us who have lived among the magnet-people since the American invasion of Afghanistan, but the cheap yellow made-in-China ribbon shape has not entered the British national lexicon as a sort of automotive hieroglyph symbolizing one’s love for President Jesubush and for killing and for being white, and one’s hatred of chicks and fags and science, and one’s pious hope that Jesus will kill everybody soon.

Here’s what I want to know: without ribbon magnets, how does the country know who its stupidest citizens are?

Also, how do racist godbag nutjobs identify each other in the parking lot of Home Depot?

White Dude #1: [eyes White Dude #2’s Buick LeSabre appreciatively] “You ’support our troops’?”

White Dude #2: “You bet I do!”

White Dude #1: “Wanna check out the half-dead homo Jew I’ve got in my trunk?”

You, my fellow Americans, have come to take the magnets for granted. You may even think you don’t notice them anymore, but really you do. Each day, as you take to the highways and byways with a smile on your lips and song in your heart, they subliminally undermine your unpatriotically chipper outlook with their promise of ignorance and medieval Jesosity. I invite you to picture driving to the Central Market without having to subconsciously absorb the fuck-you message of 70 or 80 of these idiot things. There you’d be at a stoplight, your hide unchapped that some moron has positioned his ribbon so that the trunk lock sticks out of the center of the loop. You’d feel light as a feather. And that’ s just not right.

-Twisty Faster, 2006

What’s the difference between a dead dog on the highway and a dead lawyer on the highway? Skidmarks in front of the dog!

Just to further show what a bitch Bush is, he has to set up his own straw men to go ninja-logic-fu on them. First he screens crowds, then he rigs his own logical fallicies.

Just like starforce!