Bad Day. The procession never ends.

Everything else
1

Had a bad day at work today. I was told how i’ve been doing bad at my job, and i may be put on final notice. While this doesn’t mean that i’m fired, i’m going down the path. A lot of this has to do with the depression i’ve mentioned before. i haven’t been performing well. it’s all my fault. I have to figure out how to pull myself together and get over this.

I hope i can. I realize i’m almost 40 and what a failure i am. I’m so tired of my mediocrity. My job was about all I had left after a series of events robbed me of everything else. My therapist cancelled on me today too. This is the final test for me, I think. I’ve got to put up or shut up.

2

Wait, your therapist cancelled on you? Was this just this session or did they drop you?!

Also, sorry to hear about the job. :(

3

Hey dude, you got the whole hive mind here pulling for you, so let us know if there’s anything we can do to help out.

4

Aw, that’s a terrible mental place to be in – your job keeps you from falling deeper into depression, but your depression threatens your job. Crappy.

I’m not particularly good at giving advice to beings with emotions, but I’d urge you to remember that although things are related, they’re not indivisibly linked. You’re not ruled by your depression. Your can rock at your job - you’ve done so before and you can recapture that glory, depression be damned.

5

He cancelled his session with me today. He also didn’t reschedule, so I don’t know if he’s bailing on me or not.

6

Yeah. Painting minis and computer games are all I have left to unwind anymore, and now I can’t even afford that nonsense. I’m gonna try my damnedest to hold on to my job, but I feel like my job is sabotaged now. I’ll keep posting on here until they turn off my internet, though, whatever happens.

I’ve really been leaning on this community a lot, and I really appreciate you guys. One day I hope that things get better for me and I can give back as much as you all have given me.

7

Maybe call tomorrow to reschedule? Best to know one way or another than let depression run wild with the notion.

8

I’ve fought depression for most of my life. If you need to PM me for any reason, please do. I may not reply immediately but I certainly will.

9

The first step is wanting to. Sounds like you do.

Have you asked what you can do to get out of the doghouse, so to speak? If they are willing to work with you, it might be good to set some achievable short-term goals

10

I have. tomorrow i am to write up my proposals and beg not to be put on “final notice”. My boss and i discussed options for rectifying the situation. I can only hope i can salvage it. There is a chance i can fix this but my depression is making it hard for me to see it achieveable. Even as my boss is a cheerleader for my success I know I my to continue to self-sabotage. That’s the hell of being educated about mental illness and having it. Sometimes you feel held captive by it; to quote a book title “I have no mouth but I must scream.”. Now I just have to beg myself to let me help myself and not continue this immolation. I don’t know if my mind will comply. I hope it will. I’m scared, guys, petrified. I am in fits and starts weepy, pissed and resolved.

11

Any chance we can get a two for one on this? While I’m not on final notice at work, I SOOOOOOO fucking identify with the self sabotage / depression / feeling like a failure around 40 years old stuff. I actually just spent the last 30 mins talking to some random strangers in a Discord chat about it. Stuck in a huge rut and it feels like I’ll never get out. I get some positivity going and it never sticks around long enough for me to get out, just long enough to get my hopes up so they can be dashed again. Sorry if this makes things worse. I guess I just hope this somehow gives you something to relate to. You’re not alone with this stuff. If I find the way out I promise I’ll let you know too :)

12

This may be weird and or of place, but I would suggest taking a look into Taoism. It’s got some interesting ideas that I’ve found can help with depression.

It’s easier to state the ideas of Taoism than it is to follow them, of course, but I think that there’s a lot of truth in the notion that much of our suffering comes from trying to be what we are not. Especially in American society, where a lot of our morality is based upon some inherent rejection of our most essential nature (the notion of original sin is probably the most blatant example of this).

I think that sometimes we get stuck in a rut where we aren’t happy, but we think that we are “supposed to be there, doing that thing”. When in reality, the reason being in that rut makes us unhappy is because, is because it’s not what we really want to do. But we do it because we think we’re supposed to, or because it’s all we’ve known, or because doing something totally new is scary.

Or sometimes I think it even goes beyond that, where we are actually fine in what we are doing, but think that we aren’t… based on some notion that we aren’t supposed to be fine. Like, we’re supposed to make more money, or have more friends, or laugh more, or whatever. But maybe that’s not the case. Maybe that ideal of happiness that society constructs for us isn’t actually happiness at all. Maybe true happiness is just embracing our true nature, and abandoning that external notion of happiness. And in that abandonment, we shed all of the misery that comes from constantly trying to be what we are not.

There is the notion of being “the un-carved block”. Not something which has been altered by others, but just a block of wood or marble which is already perfect and exactly what it was always meant to be. There’s also the notion that it can be anything, and has ultimate potential.

One of the ideals that I struggled with, is how to combine this notion with a desire for self improvement. I do not think that it means we should abandon all notion of self improvement, and just lie around like sloths. But I think improving ourselves is compatible with the idea that or inherent nature is good, if we accept that part of our very nature is to refine ourselves. Our maybe not. I studied it’s different for each person, and that’s kind of the point.

Anyway, I have found such ideas to be comforting to reflect upon, and you may as well.

13

Hey, I never knew Kierkegaard was Taoist! ;)

14

I know the truth in what you say. Some years ago, before I started having these troubles, I advised a suicidal friend thusly: If you plan to kill yourself tomorrow, can you stay around one day longer and change everything that makes you miserable? If it means you’re alive, quit the soul crushing job and see how you feel. You can always return to rock bottom and kill yourself, but if you don’t make the change, you’ll never know if you could have been happy again. These things are easily said when the depression isn’t eating you, and I see the wisdom. Sometimes my brain won’t let me absorb the reason that is also producing. Combine that with, as you say the fear, responsibility to my child, etc and it’s really hard. I’ve had depression my whole life, but this is the first time i’ve felt myself cross that threshold into mental illness that defies reason and logic. It’s frightening. I’ve not given up yet. It feels like it’s coming though.

15

Just a thought, are there any “Depressed Anonymous” meetings near you and have you tried those before? Might be worthwhile giving it a go so that you can meet people who may be in similar situations.

16

Yeah, like they say, there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. But the fact that you know that the path is there is the first step to getting on it, so I think you’ll be ok.

17

It’s small consolation but if games are therapeutic for you I’d be willing to gift a few of my unused keys if I’ve got something you’re interested in.

18

I swear this forum is the best small, good thing on the internets

19

@axisandallies it truly sounds like you have a major chemical imbalance that needs to be treated. You are doing all the right things. You’ve identified the problems, you’re exercising, you’re losing weight, but a lot of bad things have happened in your life. You understand and parse the advice given, some of it you can do which is extremely admirable because a lot of people want advice but never intend to act on it. But sometimes depression means as much as you want to do what people suggest it is just too overhwhelming to actually do it.

Therefore, if you’re not already on them, I think you really need to look into happy medicine and if you don’t have insurance to cover them then we need to find a way to get you that medicine comped. I’d be happy to get the ball rolling for you to take some of that stress off you. Just PM me, and we can go from there. The thing you need to understand is brain imbalances are not your fault. It’s a combination of many factors but I’ll list a few obvious ones:

  • Heavy reliance on antibiotics on our food supply changes the gut microbe biota and changes not only your immunities but brain chemistry.

  • Heavy use of pesticides may have over the past few generations, created differences in developing brains and continue to adversely effect adult brain chemistry. I think in 100 years we’ll find out autism is greatly effected by the insecticides, fungacides, and pesticides used in our food supply.

  • The destruction of the U.S. Social safety net while the rich hoard more of the country is crushing. People are happier in Denmark, Sweden, Canada, Norway, Netherlands, etc because the community cares about each other.

  • Genetics

Also, it can take a lot of time to find the right dosages to help chemical imbalances. Please, please, please look up comedian Maria Bamford. Her story is reminiscent of some of the things you write, is inspirational and I think her search for help - could help you too. She was in a very bad place for many years then after a stint in a psyche ward to make sure she didn’t hurt herself, she finally got a doctor who prescribed her a cocktail that has made a massive difference in her life. This cocktail was literally a life and death change for her. I wish I’d bookmarked or written it down, but she openly talked about what she was taking in an interview or one of her stage shows. I really want you to be able to consider that as an option to see if it would help.

Sorry to ramble on and on. Just really hope something here can help because you’ve made so much progress. And please remember 40 isn’t old. It’s the start of the middle of one’s life, not the end. Let me out this in pereostive for you. I worked with an elderly woman of 88 years of age. At 49 years old she decided she wanted to become a doctor, so she went back to school to get her medical degree and got it 4 years later! She practiced medicine all over the world and is quite the amazing little lady. So remember, at 39 you have 10 years on her!

20

Well, worst case scenario at work. Gonna go on final notice. That means 90 days and I’m fired if I don’t jump through hoops. Easy enough, right? Trouble is getting myself to do it. I’m pathetic and constantly sabotaging myself. My wife thinks Ive done this willfully and won’t be convinced otherwise.