I’m glad it’s helping. I’m sorry to hear, however, about the decision you are facing. That isn’t easy, but we were worried for you. I hope that this continues to help you, and that you are able to continue to get the care and support you need.
Be it with, or without your wife. You need people around who will support you.
I haven’t posted in your threads before (I don’t have advice to offer), but I just want to say that I have been reading them, and I admire you in that you are actually taking action to try and make things better, such as that outpatient course. And now I read this. All my best to you, man. You’ve got guts. Whatever you need to do, you will come out the other end of the tunnel.
I had to leave the hospital early today with a migraine. That’s about the worst decision I could have made. I didn’t realize how much I depended on my support there. I also learned that I’m pretty fragile right now, too. On Thursday a woman that evidently really connected with me gave me a note that she was discharging and she wanted to remain friends, hoping we could meet for coffee every so often. I’ve tried twice to set up something and was shot down each time. It hurts. I’m not going to try again.
Migraines suck balls… and when I get them, it totally cripples me.
In terms of the lady, I’m no doctor, but I’d say maybe not push anything in that direction at the moment, given you’re currently going through some extra shit in that regard right now. Adding extra complexities from a new relationship, even a totally platonic one, might be piling a bit more tinder on the fire at a time when you don’t need it.
So just try to chill out and take it easy… migraines are no fun, but they pass eventually.
And keep in mind that, as sincere as she might have been with the note, she’s dealing with much of the same, or similar, shit as you are, and maybe just can’t bring herself to expose herself at the moment, even the tiniest bit.
Thank you for that perspective. I’m sure that’s the deal.
It’s nights like these, when i lay here in the darkness when sometimes I feel the most lost. I have a spouse who is manipulating me and using my illness against me, but my brain won’t let me accept or do what I need to do. I feel my body rejecting everything and rioting against me. I don’t feel much of anything anymore but pain and a dull, aching sadness. Sometimes, on the edge of sleep I think about moving on with my life alone, and I think I can actually feel something good again. I go through the motions in the hospital, alternating between stoic silence and weeping quietly into my hands. My therapist tries to give me the courage to change. My doctor is trying to medicate me to feel again. I hope there is a breakthrough soon. I feel like I’m starting to circle the drain.
Well, I’ve been hospitalized for a month now. Medication is doing well for me. There are moments in the day where I have genuine feelings of non-depression and its liberating. Its not long before it comes rampaging back. Another problem that I have is that I’ve developed a rip-snorting case of transferrance for my therapist at the hospital. I haven’t told her yet, and don’t know if I will. My last day is Thursday. I think she likes me a great deal as well, but am unsure if there is counter-transferrance. Regardless, she’s a woman who is loving and sympathetic and listens to me. I’m sane enough to know that is likely just all in my head. I am unsure if I want to make my last session with her awkward. Besides, it has to remain unrequited for her license and personal ethics. I just know that I’m going to have to deal with that when I leave. Its going to sting. too. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, and wellness, and I think I’ll be okay. I’m crying while I’m typing this, but I know that its gonna work out.
Well, thanks for being there guys. I’ll see you all later.
Keep doing what you’re doing. And don’t sweat the transference / countertransference. It’s totally normal and any properly trained therapist will be able to handle it. If you feel it’s preventing you from making progress because you’re “keeping something back” then you should absolutely share your experience in a session. Doing so might lead to some fruitful avenues of discussion!
@axisandallies it’s great you’ve had things work for you. I hope next time you’re able to get online you’ve continued to let us know how things are going. Wishing you the best here.
It certainly sounds like you are on the right track, but to me it also sounds like you aren’t nearly ready to reduce your treatment yet, if for no other reason that the meds don’t sound settled and fully effective yet. Hopefully you have options going forward that include continued intensive therapy.
Hey, as someone who is going through depression and anxiety now as well, let me give some advice that I’m not so good at following myself either (take it for what is worth).
The whole “final test” thing really stood out to me. I think people like you and me tend to do this, and it is symptomatic of our problems. Try not to make things out to be so black and white, or so catastrophic. This is important, yes, but it is not final. Very few things are final, and very few things need to be “final.”
Try your best to fix this. But if you cannot fix it, then you try your best to dust yourself off and go to the next thing.
As someone who has had his own share of difficulties in the past few years (job woes, divorce, etc.), it is easy to dramatize things into being irrevocable, or “the end,” or the “final test.” They’re not.
From everything I have read, and from what I am trying to get to myself, I understand that part of getting out of depression and anxiety is starting to recognize that we need to live in the moment, and keep taking things as they come. You just do your best to keep trying to adjust. When I realized a divorce was going to happen, I could not imagine a world without my wife (now ex-wife). I would have used similar language about the finality of that, the unquestionable world ending nature of it, etc.
But I have now been divorced for over two years. And I am still here.
Hopefully you will come to realize that you are still here. That there were many things in the past that were going to be “final” or of earth shattering importance, and after them, you are still here. Things may not be exactly as you want them to be, but you try to take them as they come, and keep going. Try to find whatever you can in the moment, and if you can’t find happiness, just try to accept it as it is but keep going.
Yes, there is tons of research that shows people are quite resilient to big life changing events, even something as traumatic as losing an arm or leg. Far more than we believe we are. That’s the good news!
The bad news is that we are much less resilient against the psychic slings and arrows of small daily events. But those are easier to change!
His research found that people are bad at predicting their own future happiness. They tend to radically overestimate the positive or negative impact of large events in their lives – losing your job, getting rich, getting divorced, having children. That’s generally good; it means we have defense mechanisms in place to adapt and survive in our changing circumstances as human beings. But, we also tend to radically underestimate the impact of the dozens of small events in our lives throughout the day. Thus, small injustices don’t trigger our defenses. The effect of that squeaky screen door, the neighbor’s barking dog, the interrupting telephone call – all of these may have far more profound cumulative impact on your day to day happiness than you realize.