Can anyone explain the Kardashians to me?

I was just glancing over a recap on of some special E! or Bravo or someone ran of the wedding of one of the Kardashians to some freakishly tall dude.

I know I’m “get off my lawn” old and out of touch with the stuff the kids like these days, so I’m asking: Can any of you kids explain to me why anyone gives a SHIT about any of the Kardashians? I vaguely remember that there was a Kardashian who defended OJ - is that why they’re “famous”? Or is it because Bruce Jenner married someone in that family?

I’m actually being sincere here - I think I missed something, because I can’t figure out why these people have a TV show. What led E to give them their own show?

As far as I know, they are famous for being famous.

Kim Kardashian has a big ass and a sex tape. Specifically, she had one near when this whole leaked online sex tape thing was first getting its legs out from under it, so she got a lot of attention for fucking what I would think is probably about an 8, but I have absolutely no idea how men rate on a ten point scale of attractiveness. I know that I’ll always be grateful to Ray Jay for the phrase “smashed the homie,” but beyond that he seems to be on the same execrable level as every other reality television star.

Kim Kardashian is related by marriage to Bruce Jenner (stepfather), and D-List celebrities from the years that nobody remember are reality gold, so her whole family ended up getting sucked into the show. That’s where the other, obviously less attractive than Kim but clearly related to her women come in.

Well, turns out you can only shoot maybe one and a half seasons worth of episodes in a year, so E! needed another way to fill out the brand. Thus, the spinoff shows with Chloe and…uh…the other one. CKourtney or something. Plus, those two are more interesting personalities as compared to Kim, insofar as they actually have personalities and don’t resemble an advanced experiment in sex robotics from the world’s most Japanesest scientist. Then one of those married Lamar Odom, which means that now there’s two legitimately sort of famous people in the family, and one of them has the apparent IQ of a smoked cheese log, which is…hilarious, I guess?

tl;dr - Kim had a big ass and a sex tape and knew some people and E! had a couple of slots on the network to fill.

This. And now for some bizarre reason her sisters are starting to become famous, like the entertainment shows/magazines hang on their every word and action.

The magazines have columns to fill every week, too.

Please stop talking about slots to be filled around the Kardashians.

They’re famous because they’re fab and brilliant and great daughters and sisters and the best friends and they’re such great role models because they’re smart and committed and they have their own business and they are so wonderful everyone is talking about Steve Jobs but he’s old and ugly and the Kardashians are smart and beautiful and innovators!!!

My belief is that the decline of American exceptionalism can be directly related to the popularity of the Kardashians and their ilk (Jersey Shores, Paris Hilton, etc).

Our young people idolize people whose profession is being a stupid, oblivious assholes. Kim Kardashian’s job is to be a dumb ignorant asshole. That is why she’s famous.

The key is not to be angry at the Kardashians. They’re making big bank for doing nothing. I’d do that too if I could. Instead, blame the mouth breathers who allow them to do that - the general public and the entertainment press.

Just to be clear, he did have a modestly successful r&b career before the sex tape and the reality show. And one big single after them.

Is it wrong to say that now I’m kind of afraid to go within visible distance of any clock towers in North Carolina?

I will defend them in one regard - all of the reality stuff put together makes about fifteen minutes of pretty good comedy every week. I’ve honestly never met a single human being who has ever admitted to seeing anything from any of those shows on any outlet other than The Soup - maybe their entire ratings structure is built around the thirty or so staff writers watching these shows every week? Well, that and the fact that they’re basically free to produce. When you’ve leaked a sex tape on the internet, it’s pretty clear that, one way or the other, every little unpleasant thing you do is going to be on camera whether the world likes it or not.

Kim’s T&A is carrying the family, next question.

Okay, so this woman came to public attention because of a sex tape? Wow.

And maybe I have a lesbian short-circuit, but I don’t think she’s attractive. AT ALL. I’m guessing I’m in the minority.

You’re certainly not in the minority. It was a running joke for an episode of South Park that Butters thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

I don’t either. She looks like an android.

You’re surprised by this?

Did you think Paris Hilton got famous for her music?

Her acting , duh…

On the other hand, she is the epitome of attainable fame and wealth despite having zero skills or talents. Small wonder young people idolize these fools. What other options for success do they have?

I can’t figure out why all the teen girls ran out to see Leonardo DiCaprio over and over and over in Titanic, or Orlando Bloom in anything, so it cuts both ways, even if neither of us do.

As to Kim, she has a certain elfin quality to her face that is interesting (when she hasn’t overdone the eye makeup). As long as the photo stays above her wide load of a behind, she looks pretty good. Kourtney is more conventional but still decent. Khloe, well, no, Lamar is welcome to her.

But as to their fame, it’s the whole rich, socialite “beautiful people” thing, they’re famous for being famous, as the saying goes. Yawn.

And her pointy, pointy elbows!