In advance, I know this is long, but I think the background is necessary.
I am 43 years old, divorced, with two kids. One child leaves for college this year, one will leave in two years. For approximately the past 20 years, I have been working as an attorney at the same medium-large size law firm.
I have had problems with my work for probably at least 10 years. Approximately five years ago, I took a voluntary three month sabbatical, because my insomnia and anxiety grew so bad that I was not really functioning well. The sabbatical helped bring the insomnia back under control (somewhat, I’ve never slept well), but has not resolved the underlying issues. Now the insomnia is back like it was years ago.
I have major depression (including dysthymia) and generalized anxiety disorder. Both diagnosed by both a board licensed psychologist (Ph.D) and psychiatrist. (I have seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists over the years.) I have tried all of the standard SSRIs, SNRIs, and various other drugs that they have advised. I tried them all for as long as the psychiatrists dictated. I only quit the drugs when they told me I should. I write this so you know I did not make the mistake of just deciding to stop them myself, or quitting them before they reach efficacy. (Often the first question/statement I hear is, “You know the drugs take weeks/months to work, right?”) Nothing has helped. I have also tried the other standard suggestions for depression and anxiety, which I would roughly bundle together as eating better, exercising regularly, meditation, gratitude, journaling, and other standard suggestions.
I now find myself in a difficult situation. I am having a very difficult time at work. My concentration and focus are shot. My memory for the details necessary to do my job as an attorney seems to be gone. I am incredibly indecisive. I wake up frequently in the middle of the night, heart pounding.
A couple of my colleagues suggested that I try for disability. They have seen my issues first hand, believe I am genuinely miserable, and that I need to make a change. My firm has a long-term disability policy that technically covers inability to work due to mental disorders (including anxiety and depression). I do believe that I technically meet the definition for disability under the policy. I’m not faking this. I really do not think I can continue to do this job.
At the same time, I know how insurers work. I’m not literally a drooling wreck. I can still read and write (even though I cannot really concentrate on it for periods of time). I still get up each day. I take showers. I have great fear that they insurer will either reject a claim outright or perhaps accept it on a very short-term basis, looking for the first chance they get to terminate coverage.
I unfortunately am not the beneficiary of a trust fund. I have some money to get by in the short-term, but I need income for the long-term. I find myself in this situation where I am subject to depression and anxiety that makes me wonder whether I could perform at any other job. I worry that I would have a resume with a big gap in it that would make it impossible (particularly at my age) to get another job. I have no marketable skills outside of my legal training. If I am being honest, I have let my legal skills deteriorate badly – it is hard to really put yourself into learning and keeping up when you feel like you are barely dragging yourself into the office each day. I have tried over the years to simply force myself to do it, but that only goes so far when you have no passion whatsoever. Attempting to get insurance is a dilemma, because if it works long-term it solves the problem, but applying for it and getting rejected means I am surrendering my current job and will have a huge gap on my resume that is hard to explain, without any income.
Finally, even if I were to try to go find something else, I do not feel any passion toward any other career. It’s not like there is something that I want to do. I have tried different things – pro bono work in areas outside my expertise, for example. I’ve tried volunteering. I’ve tried exploring (hell, I even took a full day adult aptitude/skills test) other options, and there is nothing that hits me that I would like to do, or for which I feel any sort of passion that would lead to a 40 hour a week thing.
I know this is a lot of venting, and also whininess. But I’m really feeling like I’m at the end of my rope. How do you reinvent yourself in your mid-40s, when you can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing, but when you feel no passion for anything else? Even if I could find something else, what are the odds that I could actually get in starting in my mid-40s? Additional education and training is a big risk, as it feels like it could end up just eating away faster at my limited financial reserves, particularly when without any passion or drive, I could just end up hating the new thing as well. Then there is always the issue of whether I could even get into a new career, with the resume gap, age issue, etc.
I know this is open ended, but I’m looking for anyone else who has experienced this. Who perhaps has successfully transitioned to something new in their mid-40s (doing it while feeling fatigued and drained – if I could find a way to feel a ton of energy, or even some, it would obviously be easier, but I have been working on that without success for years). I’m looking for thoughts, advice, ways to move forward. Because I’m really anxious about all of this and my future, but cannot figure out a good way forward.