Countries to flee a fascist America to, that are interesting, or maybe boring. Yeah, ones that are boring.

Here’s a guide for pulling the ultimate UNO reverse move, moving to Germany to avoid the Nazi. The irony is not lost on me.

I should mention that according to the last polls, 20% of our voters are totally in love with the idea of gargling Putin’s dick and electing Neo-Nazis. I blame social media. Our checks and balances work slightly better than the US ones, as the government system we got after the war was designed to avoid those nasty little incidents that lead to the last local Nazi infestation.

The beer and food here is decent, we take great pride in out 300 or so types of bread, and as long as you stay within the major cities, you’ll likely find someone who is fluent in English.
Food in general is rather cheap and safe, the drinking water that comes out of the tap is excellent (it’s so good that buying non-sparkling water is seen as slightly idiotic, unless you need to carry it somewhere), and the cuisine is not too dissimilar from what you’re used to. Well, except Mexican Food and BBQ. Fat chance of getting anything decent in that style around here. Try our Döner Kebab instead, those are usually quite lovely.

It’s still highly recommended to learn German ASAP, as the bureaucracy is hard to navigate and deal with otherwise. If you intend to go for a more rural area, you REALLY should be speaking it somewhat fluently. The younger folks learned english in schools, but the general quality of what you can expect there varies greatly.
Places with a decently sized military base (current or former) increase the chances that you’ll find some fluent people, expat/immigrant or otherwise.

Depending on your area of expertise, you might be able to land a decently paying job here, but you should probably enquire before heading over. See the visa stuff linked above.

Obligatory warning: In general, Germans are very direct, not particularly funny, and like stare into the depths of your souls. They don’t do small talk in general. Avoid things like talking inviting folks over for dinner, because that is taken at face value. The same things goes for “declining for reasons of politeness for a couple of times before saying yes” - that shit doesn’t fly here, no in general means no and yes usually means yes, as some confused folks have learned the hard way.

Can I recommend coming over here? Eh, it’s not bad, but if you expect the land of humourless workaholics, you might end up slightly disappointed. If you want to make friends, be prepared to join a club (Verein) and maybe talk to your neighbours. Otherwise you might come to the conclusion that the average German has the sociability of a frozen iceberg in winter. That’s not quite the truth, but compared to some other countries in the EU, there’s no hugging and kissing strangers around here.
Also, since it comes up as a joke: German humour is no laughing matter is pretty similar to British humour, minus the puns (German hasn’t that many homophones to go around). It can be surprisingly dark at times.

I would expect people in Germany to refer to their beer as being better than decent, but maybe there’s some truth to the tales that say that the highest German compliment towards food is “it’s edible”, or “for the price, you can’t complain”.

About that beer thing…

Personally, I’d rate some of the Belgian stuff higher that the the common beers you can get around here, but I’m no connoisseur (the only beer I drink habitually is malt beer, and since that’s fattening as fuck it’s a rare treat).

You also are quite wise in the way of German praises. Getting no comments means you did a satisfying job. Getting praise from a local means you REALLY did impress them. Sub-par performance normally elicits a groan and/or distorted face/side eye, while things that can result in damages or injuries will get you yelled at.

“Net geschimpft is Lob genug!” - “Not being scolded is praise enough!” -Swabian words of wisdom.

Upgrade from 47%

I love this.

I found an old book called “German Laughs - 700 years of German humor” in an antiquarian bookshop in Berlin, and it was actually quite thick, and I was aware of the stereotype that Germans are either appallingly cheesy or totally humorless, so I was fascinated by that.

I was in a rush, so I ended up leaving it (along with a few other cool finds) and I still feel terrible about that. I could’ve known all the secrets to making Germans laugh!

[nods sagely]

Should someone gift me with a couple million, Uruguay is the dream.

I had some friends who came to Ecuador after giving Uruguay a try for a few years. They were not fans. They said the constant damp was maddening.

The two places where I’ve spent the bulk of my life are St. Louis and DC.

I am damp-immune at this point.

It was mold-crawling-up-the-walls damp, according to them.

Should be similar to Buenos Aires, right? I’ve been there in January. It was pretty damn hot, but I don’t recall the humidity being miserable.

They were in Montevideo. I know they said they liked to culture but the dampness was intolerable. They said they were always sick.