Crazy Things My Father Believes To Be True

I went on vacation and went down to Oregon to visit my father this past weekend. He’s 63 years old and watches FOX News all the time and listens to Rush Limbaugh on the radio. He also reads a lot of wacked-out conspiracy theory books. Unfortunately, all of this panic-driven information has given him some odd views on the state of the world. Some of them are oddly in conflict, but that doesn’t seem to phase his firm belief that they are correct.

  1. Obamacare and socialized medicine are part of a general push to bring the USA into a merge with Canada and Mexico. The new currency would be called the Amero. This American Union would fall under UN control. My father believes that this would undoubtedly cause another civil war with gun owners being the last bulwark of freedom.

  2. Personally owned firearms should only be permitted to people that are or were in law enforcement jobs or the military. Like in Heinlein’s Starship Troopers, my father thinks that only people that have given service to the country should have all the constitutional rights given to them. (No. I have no idea how this works with the above belief.)

  3. Hillary Clinton is secretly still on the WalMart board of directors and works to bring worker’s unions under the heel of the government as part of a conspiracy to get people “indoctrinated” to the American Union idea.

  4. Gays marriage is okay because they have the most to lose in the coming American merge. Gays are smart and have good jobs, so they’ll be the first against the wall when the new order takes over. We just have to get them to buy guns like the founding fathers intended.

  5. Gays shouldn’t be in the military because that makes it too easy for terrorists and foreign enemies to make fun of our troops which is bad for morale. Also, gays are perverts and will undermine discipline. (I have no idea how gays are supposed to own guns if only ex-military members are allowed to won them.)

  6. Illegal immigrants are part of the conspiracy to weaken the country and get us all to speak the new American Union language. It also preps us for the merger by mixing us all together.

  7. Mitt Romney and Obama is a false choice given to us by a shadow goverment to make us think we have a say in the direction of the country.

  8. Unions are an evil institution that keeps the free market from working the way it should. They are only one step above communism. Plus, they are mostly controlled by the government liberals anyway.

  9. Paying taxes is a privilege that every US citizen should be proud to do to keep the country strong. Everyone griping about raising taxes, even the rich, are a bunch of entitled whiny babies that may also have ties to criminal organizations and foreign interests that would like nothing better than see the US go under. (Why would someone want to keep the liberal-controlled shadow government strong? I don’t know.)

  10. The Koch Brothers are controlled by the UN as is Rupert Murdoch.

And that’s just a sample of the things he told me. It’s gotten to the point that I just nod and keep my mouth shut whenever the crazy starts coming out of his mouth.

Keep in mind that my father’s last job in the military was being the NCO in charge of all equal opportunity investigations on his base. He really loved this job and felt that it was his duty to investigate complaints fairly and mete out justice to soldiers that he felt were commiting grievious harm to the reputation of the military. What happened? I wish I knew.

Not that your dad will give even the first semblance of a shit, but in case anybody was curious, here’s a summary of why the North American Union is a stupid idea that nobody has ever actually proposed.

That’s exactly the type of thing the liberal shadow government would write to keep people docile. ;)

Duh. Gays can still be cops. Which is convenient, because they can provide their own uniforms.

Yeah, I kinda believe number seven myself, just not so much sooper sekrit Illuminati as much as unelected technocrats and power brokers who just keep rolling along regardless of which administration holds office. But that may not be what you meant.

No, gays shouldn’t be cops either. Any position of authority is out because their inherent perversion ruins the position of respect. Plus, their swishy mannerisms makes it hard to fight. (No, seriously. He said this.)

I am starting to believe in the shadow government idea. It doesn’t seem to matter who gets elected as far as foreign affairs as all presidents do the same thing, use the military.

But much of what you say there isn’t because your dad is old, it’s just the philosophy he has bought into. I listen to local conservative talk radio and there are people who call in who are young, old whatever and clearly crazy.

May have the beginnings of a good pulp novel or specialty board game for Kickstarter on your hands.

Or at the very least, a new CBS pilot for that Chuck Lorre fellow.

Do not play the Steve Jackson Illuminati game with your father. It’ll just blow his mind.

No, no, no… DO play Illuminati with your father, and record it, and share it with the Internet!

I also believe in 7, but I believe it to be the end result of a generally bumbling and inactive government, not the result of a keen and focused uberpower. Many years of working with various government agencies has strengthened this belief.

ps. It sounds bad but I kinda like the fact that my government is generally bumbling and inactive. I’d be more afraid of a government that efficiently accomplished every task it set its mind to.

Let me fix that for you.


Wal-Mart as the secret attack plan for unionizing everyone is priceless. About the only more unlikely thing I can think of is Henry Ford’s undead corpse being the plan.

Your dad seems to have a crazy mix of right-wing and left-wing extremist beliefs all mixed up into a stew of awesome strangeness.

And yeah, #7 doesn’t seem all that crazy anymore, sadly.

The bar mitzvah of Henry Ford’s undead rotting corpse being part of the plan?

Im going to file this thread under the ‘American’s are awesome’ topic heading in my mind.

Have you considered that you dad might be just lonely, not loony?

Talk radio, the lead lined pipes of america.

I can buy into 7 and 9. The others not so much.