OK, I’m going to start with a few thank you toasts, so everyone please make sure you’re topped off.
First off, thank you, all of you, for being here tonight. I know that I can speak for S and K when I say that it means so much that you’re all here to share this special occasion.
K, you look absolutely beautiful, you’re radiant. I know your bridesmaids played a big part in helping you get ready for tonight, and they really helped to make this evening as wonderful as it is. So my first toast is to the bridesmaids! Thank you! (at this point folks applaud. Wow, I can make a crowd do stuff!)
(at this point one of the attendant types puts a drink in my hand). OK, hold on one second - I’m a couple of toasts behind (drink). OK, now I’m ready to go!
Next, I’d like to thank a few folks who were involved in the ceremony. Our usher, C, thank you. (applause!) Our readers, D, P, and K’s Aunt B. Thank you! (applause). And also to our ring bearers, I know J had to go to bed but K is still here. Thank you buddy! (applause)
Next, I’d like to thank my brother S, for giving me this opportunity. Standing at your side today was such a great honor. I can’t imagine having a better brother, and I know I speak for all of our gathered friends and family when I say we are so proud of you. So here’s to my brother - thank you! (applause).
Finally, I’d like to thank the parents of the newlyweds for putting this amazing evening together. B and S, and my folks C and B. Thank you so much! We are all (interrupted by applause). We are all going to remember this evening for decades. Thank you!
OK, before I continue. K and S, if you could indulge me for a moment. K, can you please put your left hand on the table on front of you? Thanks. S, can you please take your left hand - that’s the ring hand, right? Please put your left hand over K’s. Just hold it there. Thanks!
Alright, I know it’s traditional for the groomsman in my situation to share a funny story about growing up with the groom. I’m not going to do that though - I’m really not a very funny person, and honestly the two minutes I’ll save by skipping the story is two minutes closer we all are to cake (they all laugh here, much to my gratitude).
Next, I think I’m supposed to talk about how wonderful the bride and groom are together. Honestly, I can’t do that. (wtf’s from the audience). Not because they aren’t wonderful together - anyone who spares them a passing glance can see it. S and K are perfect for one another, they’re amazing together. There’s nothing I can say that can possibly match the way K smiled as she came down the aisle this afternoon. No words of mine can possibly equal the look in S’s eyes, when he put the ring on her finger. That K and S are deeply, wonderfully, magically in love is obvious, and it would be ludicrous for me to try and say something that they haven’t already said for themselves. So I’m just going to move right along…
OK, now, according to the internet I’m at the point of the speech where I have to talk about how K had changed S for the better. Here’s the amazing thing: she hasn’t, not really. The thing about K and S is that they really didn’t change each other at all. They were, from the moment they met, perfect for one another.
This brings me to my closing thought; please, just bear with me one more moment - after this I’ll be handing the mic over to the lovely maid of honor, E. Anyway, I know it’s a cliche, and I apologize for that in advance. But I’ve heard it said, that marriage isn’t about finding someone you can live with. It’s about finding someone you can’t live without. Like all good cliches, this one has a bit of capital-T truth in it. So S and K, let me congratulate you, on behalf of everyone here, on finding someone you can’t live without. (cheers, much acclaim, etc).
(at this point the band guy thinks I"m done, I go to hand him the mike then snatch it away). Oh, one more thing. S and K, that whole hand thing - that really wasn’t anything. I just wanted S to see what it was like to have the upper hand one time in your marriage. (laughter, applause)