Cure global warming with giant Republican batteries

Bruce Sterling cracks me up.

Specifically, he’s got a patented “lignocellulose fractionation”
process that turns cornshucks, grass, even some kinds of
garbage into booze that you can burn in your car. His fuel
cheaper than gasoline today. He claims he can sell any quantity
to anybody for a buck-ninety-nine a gallon.

So okay, get this pitch: it’s the American solution to climate change. It’s all about giant, hybrid, boozy SUVs. These SUVs carry, not dainty little hippie batteries, but COLOSSAL REPUBLICAN batteries, batteries big enough to power your house. At night, you plug in the batteries and suck clean wind-power out off the grid.

You drive around your neighborhood on Texan and Kansan wind-power. Wind is always a patchy resource, but GIANT AMERICAN CARS become the STORAGE UNITS for American wind. You run your HOUSE off your car battery when the wind isn’t blowing. The huge American car fleet is America’s un-interruptible power

While away from home, you buy American booze, i.e., recycled Iowa corncobs, and even weeds off the side of the road, all enzymatically cracked and turned into white-lightning car fuel that you can DRINK AT TAILGATE PARTIES. And since these grasses fix carbon into the soil (through their roots), THE MORE YOU DRIVE, THE FASTER THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT GOES AWAY!

Furthermore, in order to cure the atmosphere quickly, you definitely want to drive a BIG car. A really big American WHALE of a car. You might want to consider dumping your house entirely and moving all your possessions into a giant, booze-fueled, wind-powered Recreational Vehicle.

Well, we’ve got do so SOMETHING. I mowed for an hour and a half today, and it’s 97 freakin degrees. Our average is about 86 this time of year. It’s gone up 10 degrees! I almost killed myself out there.

You hear that, Republicans? PEOPLE ARE (ALMOST SORT OF) DYING HERE!

The solution? A fully enclosed air-conditioned lawnmower.

Oh man that would rule.

Like this?

Powered by 107 octane petrol, of course.

But what do you care? You have your air-conditioned lawnmower. If the Earth’s mean temperature goes up as a result of the lawnmower’s emissions, just crank the AC.