Do you think you can imagine peak major-tournament Scotland? No, more Scotland than that. No, still more Scotland…
Thankfully, in FIFA17 the 2022 World Cup isn’t in Qatar, so the Scottish fans won’t have to celebrate any victories with a cup of tea and a quiet cheer. Our opening game is against South Africa and gives us the opportunity to start off with a positive result to launch us out of the group into the knockout stages, but the game is cagey all through the first 45 minutes without too many chances either way.
Then, at the start of the second half…
I’m excited because it’s a nicely taken goal, it’s my first goal at a major tournament and it turns out to be the winner too.
England beat Mexico 2-0.
On matchday two we have the Mexicans in and the game is somehow even more dour than the first half against South Africa. Right on the stroke of halftime Mexico have a long range effort that Jordan Archer just about tips over the bar, but that’s it really.
The second half doesn’t improve, but then on 87 minutes Grant Hanley gets bored and does a flying tackle off about a five step run up that practically decapitates a Mexican forward and gives them a penalty. They score and hold on to win 1-0.
England beat South Africa 2-0.
Mexico are almost certain to win over South Africa, so now all Scotland have to do to progress is beat England in the final game with qualification on the line for both teams.
By this stage I have about 35 caps for Scotland and in every single one the Attacking Midfielder just behind me in the 4-4-1-1 formation has been Ryan Gauld. Not only have I never seen Ryan score, I don’t recall seeing him even get a shot on target, so when we work a good move right from the kick off against England I’m excited… then I see the cross is going to Gauld…
So, if you want something doing, BARRY MCGARRY is going to have to do it himself. Shortly after Ryan’s miss, we press England high up the field, Gauld wins the ball back and does something he’s actually good at - passes to me.
If that wasn’t enough, I do my own action replay about fifteen minutes later, when a nice turn on the edge of the box puts the ball on my left foot again, with the same result again.
What follows, is something like a 28 Days Later remake, with Scotland playing the survivors and Harry Kane as all of the zombies. He draws several saves from Jordan Archer and then in the second half when a header cannons back off the bar, Kane collects his own rebound and fires past the prone Archer, only to see that shot hit the inside of the far post, roll all the way along the goalline, hit the inside of the near post and bounce clear.
Dele Alli hits the angle of post and bar so hard the ball almost bounces to halfway and then even John Stones has a try, with a cross/shot/terrible miss-hit that bounces on top of the crossbar and out.
The referee adds five minutes of stoppage time, just to give me a heart attack, but somehow we hold on for a glorious victory over the Auld Enemy!
Which is why I’m confused when the game drops back to the main menu and I’m in my red and white Atletico kit and not the blue of Scotland.
I go and check the international standings and find out two things - First, Mexico beat South Africa 4-0. Second, the standings are sorted by goal difference and then goals scored. Which means…
Jesus Scottish Christ.
