Dear abby:

Abby, my teenagers are a bunch of monsters! Our 14-year old son has had a number of run-ins with the law over his vandalism and I strongly suspect he’s been experimenting with the marijuana. Recently he was in another fight at school and is in danger of being expelled.

Our 16-year old daughter has been staying out all night, as a result her grades are plummeting and I’m seriously worried she might end up pregnant. The last time I confronted her, she reeked of alcohol and called me a “dried up old b****.” Both of them are totally disrespectful, unmotivated, and completely out of control.

At this point I’m so disgusted I couldn’t care less if I ever see either of them again. My husband is torn. He gets upset when I talk about them or mention how they treat us.

I’m at my wits’ end. What should I do?

-PULLING MY HAIR OUT IN KANSAS

Dear PULLING MY HAIR OUT: No problemo, babe. Just pile the gang into minivan and take a drive on over to Lincoln.

Dear Abby,

Please help me! My oldest daughter is pregnant and it’s threatening my career in public service! It’s so embarassing, OMG! And her boyfriend is a hoodlum hockey player! Can you imagine?

My husband is a part-native fella, and he just thinks its normal, like racing snowmobiles in the wildnerness or shooting animals from inside a helicopter. He’s no help at all!

What should I do? My kids already have enough problems with the weird names we gave them.

  • GOV IN WASILLA

Dear Gov: I’ve heard that running for a high profile national office is probably not the best solution . . .

That article is so sad. :(

My thought is that those parents should have to leave their parts in a jar by the door.