Death, and Grief.

Thanks for sharing your story, Tyler. It’s a wonderful tribute to Aaron that you have learned to live with your grief instead of moving on from it. I wonder if it’s the death of a child that inspires one to incorporate grief instead of leaving it behind. I lost a nephew many years ago, and my sister and her husband have definitely used his death as a catalyst to become active volunteering and serving on the board of the NJ Sharing Network, and my nephew’s memory is kept alive every day through his story that is told to encourage others to donate.

I’ve been talking about the crazy April snowstorm we’ve been having here in UT in the weather thread but I never thought it would lead to signing in to work this morning to find my coworker of 20 years died last night, shoveling his driveway.

He and I weren’t close friends, but we’ve been working together at the same company on the same team for two decades now. He’s my age (45), was totally healthy by all appearances. Not a pound overweight, never ate junk food, only ever used a standing desk, that sort of thing. Latest wave of the snowstorm hits last night, he goes out to shovel and it’s game over.

My father died a couple years ago but in comparison the sheer unexpectedness of this one has really rocked me. My father was old, he was ill for some time, so it was something that was expected when the news came. Meanwhile, my coworker goes out to shovel snow last night (just like I was doing!) and he’s dead.

I’m not just saying this because he’s gone, but the guy was a genius. I’m not using that term lightly. He was the architect and tech lead at our company, the guy with the vision. Any thorny problem anyone got stuck on over the past couple decades, he batted 1.000 figuring it out. “Irreplaceable” was the most commonly used adjective to describe him and we’re all going to be experiencing just how true that description was for years to come.

He and his wife have an adorable girl about five years old. She is a total fish who loves to swim at every opportunity and every year they would go on vacation and we’d hear all about how they couldn’t get her out of the water. We were about due for the annual story. I’m just heartbroken for the both of them, to have him taken away so unexpectedly. It fucking sucks.

Thanks for letting me share here. I’m pretty rattled and needed to type it out to help me process the news.

Sometimes, just through proximity and time spent talking to each other, coworkers can be closer than friends and family. My condolences, he sounded like a good guy.

As I have grown older I have learned that death isn’t just something we all have to look forward to but it is also damn indiscriminate. I am at that age where I expect people to die, but it still surprises you sometimes. A couple years ago a friend who I thought was probably in the best shape of any of my old group just dropped dead in his back yard while doing yard work. I had seen him a few years ago and he looked great, didn’t drink or smoke and loved to work out. Three years ago someone I worked with died on the freeway on the home, just a couple minutes in front of me. A guy I worked with after that started having sleeping problems and his back was giving him hell. He finally decided to take some time off work. When I came back from a vacation I was told he had died of cancer.

Death is sadly a part of life and grief is how we deal with it. Some deaths you expect and they don’t seem to hit very hard but it’s those that come out of the blue that effect you the most. You don’t have any time to prepare yourself for it. I grieved for my father but when he died it was time, it was for the best and I could accept that. But when someone is there one day and gone the next without any warning it is disturbing and hits you where it hurts.

Time heals, but with some deaths you will always feel it. Talking about it is a good thing. Your company may even have grief counseling available. Use it if you feel you need it.

Holy cow. I didn’t know that was a thing for healthier people. And your other friends/colleagues? Sorry to hear about them too. Makes me wonder if I might be in trouble tackling things in my backyard in my current state. I didn’t think healthy people could just die like that without some kind of longer indicator. Seems so unreal.

It’s usually something they didn’t know about, or maybe something hereditary that finally caught up to them.

One of my good friends in grad school just “up and died” (as my grandma would have said) one day. His wife took the dog out for a walk and when she got back he was dead. I’ve been told that the coroner was unable to find a definitive cause of death, so our best guess is (a) something being hidden (typically suicide or drug OD, but if it were so there would be some cause of death listed) or (b) something misfired in his heart or brain or something somehow and some god just struck him down. Early/mid 30s, no health issues.

Ugh, makes me sad every time I think of it.

One of my best friends went that way in 2019. Fucking sucks. He lives on in my and many other people’s memories.

@KevinC sorry to hear this, it’s horrible, particularly with a young child. Thanks for sharing.

That’s terrible, and terrifying. Sorry for you loss, Kevin.

Around 25 years ago one of my extended friends in his mid 20s at the time just dropped dead. One minute he was there, the next he was gone. An aneurysm or something similar, I forget. It’s always haunted me, in the back of my mind. One minute everything could be fine and next you’re gone.

So sorry about your coworker, @KevinC. It’s so hard when it’s sudden and unexpected like that.

A couple of years ago another Kevin, a friend from the Seattle improv community, went to bed one night and just never woke up. To say Kevin was beloved was an understatement. In the last show we did before the pandemic, my son and I were doing a Jet City show that had four teams playing. We knew Kevin was going to be in one of the segments, so we invited him to play with us as well, because he was brilliant and amazing fun for both the players and the audience. Well, all the other teams had the same idea, and that night Kevin played with all of us. Which ended up being a really fun meta-theme. That’s the kind of guy he was – we loved him as a performer and we loved him as person.

He wasn’t the healthiest guy in the world, but nobody expected him to just be gone.

May things suck about getting older, and one of those is starting to see so many people we care about go. It’s extra crappy when you’re pretty sure there’s nothing after our time on earth.

My heart goes out to your work friend’s family.

Interesting that this popped up today. It’s the 5th anniversary of my dad’s death. It was not unexpected. It was, in fact, a blessing for him as he was bedridden, blind, and probably had at least early dementia (not helped by the other things). It was a place where he never wanted to be. He was bedridden for the last 3 or 4 years of my life including time in long term care.

I had conversations with my department chair at the time as my dad deteriorated. My chair’s mom had been murdered as she was walking along the rural road near the resort she and his dad owned in northern Minnesota (ironically, near where I live now, even though we worked together in Kansas). The philosophical question: better to go quick or not.

For me, I’d love to go by surprise or at least quickly (not murdered of course). Dying in my sleep seems better to me. But it’s just me–no spouse, no kids, no significant other of any sort, so I don’t have to worry about leaving loved ones behind.

I miss my dad more than I can say even though I’m incredibly happy he’s no longer suffering. After it first happened, I would have stress dreams about it. I still dream about him regularly, but now he’s well in my dreams. He’s now how I remember him from most of my life instead of the end of his life. It’s oddly comforting to me.

Also, my grandpa died in his 60s while shoveling snow. I’m now 50, and I think about that a lot when I shovel. He was thin, but a smoker. I’m fat, but not a smoker. (My other grandpa lived to nearly 101, so the genes are mixed.)

Seems like hiring a guy to shovel snow might be a good idea. Obviously not a close friend.

Since my near-heart attack four years ago my wife, the RN with decades of cardiac step-down patients, forbids me from shoveling snow. Fortunately our son is 15 and 6’2", so he can move the stuff around readily enough.

RN sounds like they have it right! I had previously heard how often shoveling snow can lead to heart attacks but this all really brought it home, like I’m sure your near heart attack also did. I’ve always treated it as a basic chore like washing the dishes, but I don’t think I’m ever going to approach it the same way anymore. To be honest, at this point I’m just going to be paying some kids to do it and if I’m in a situation where I have to clear it, I’m going to take it a lot more seriously.

My wife’s grandad died shoveling snow. If I do it it’s strictly a max of a half shovel at a time.

  1. Don’t shovel first thing in the morning. Most heart attacks occur first thing in the morning, when your blood is most likely to clot. Give yourself time to get up and moving before going out and grabbing the shovel. You’ll also give the sun a chance to warm up things a bit.

  2. Warm up before shoveling. Shoveling snow is exercise. It’s hard work. Take a few minutes before to stretch, move about and get the ‘blood flowing’ before undertaking any strenuous activity, including shoveling snow.

  3. Use a smaller shovel. A shovel full of wet snow is especially heavy when the shovel is big. It may take a little longer, but many small loads will be better than fewer heavy ones.

  4. Dress appropriately. Cover your hands, head and mouth. Covering your mouth with a scarf will help you inhale warmer air and can help avoid respiratory problems.

  5. Shovel in shifts. If you need a rest, take a rest. Taking 15 minute breaks can help lessen the load on your heart.

  6. Watch for warning signs. Tightness in the chest, lightheadedness and dizziness are all signs of a heart attack. If you suspect you’re having a heart attack, call 911.

I’ve had the same warning about snow shoveling - one of the people I worked with for quite a few years was a MD/PhD and he would always ask me to be careful. “Look Jim, I’m not calling you fat or out of shape, but a lot of people die shoveling. Just take it easy out there, ok?” I think this was because he didn’t know how to code, so my death would have been rather inconvenient for his PhD thesis work.

https://www.nationaljewish.org/conditions/health-information/health-tips/winter-tips/heart-attack-snow-6-tips-to-prevent-a-heart-attack

Yeah, I use a snowblower for this reason.

Still shovel the walk up to the house, and I know to take it nice and slow.

My father passed away last week, on April 2nd (my wife’s birthday, and also the birthday of his also-deceased brother, go figure)

It’s been weird. I’m still processing it all. Technically he died due to complications from Parkinson’s Disease, which he got at a pretty young age (well, technically he died from loss of oxygen from asphyxiation, but whatever).

I knew it was going to come sooner or later, but all the mental prep in the world still doesn’t quite prepare you for when it actually happens. And it’s weird being in your late 30’s and being one of the only folks you know in your age group with at least one missing parent.

I feel like my brain is blocking out a lot of the grief as a safety mechanism, but I can’t _un_block it. But I wish I could so I could let the floodgates of emotions open.

So sorry about your dad, @cmwolfe.