The last Depression thread was years ago, so I am making one here so as not to notify everyone who was on the old one.
I just realized that I made a mistake that I think will cost me my job. I work from home for a small hourly wage. It isn’t enough to keep us afloat, and our savings are gradually shrinking. I have informed my supervisor about the error, which is really a series of errors over a long period of time. She has not replied to me yet. Not a word. To be perfectly frank, I do believe that I deserve to be fired.
I always did well in school. I went to University, and did well there too. Then I went to law school, and did, well, sufficient to graduate. I never worked hard. I never took anything too seriously. I glided along on what I could do based on whatever natural gifts I had, and it was enough.
I couldn’t get a job in law after I passed the bar…not a real one, in any case. I eventually got a job with a friend of mine who had an internet company. I did a terrible job but they kept me on for years, until the company was bought out. Then I did nothing for a while, and got this job, which I have also fucked up.
I hate work. I have always hated work. I have never, ever been able to focus on my job. I don’t understand why everyone else in the entire universe is able to put their head down and get shit done, and I just can’t. It’s pathetic. I have no marketable skills, as I never worked hard at getting any. I never wanted to do anything, and I still don’t. I had the resources, the backing to go out and pursue anything, and I have done nothing. I dream. About games and lines on maps. History, philosophy, psychology. Useless shit. I have two beautiful children and a wonderful wife who loves me and understands me as well as anyone ever has. I have completely failed them.
I’m tired. I’m so, so tired. I have felt my whole life that I don’t belong here. That there’s something not right with me. I’m on medication, but it doesn’t fix this. My back pain keeps me from standing or sitting for a long period of time. I’m riddled with sadness and anxiety and depression. I just wish I could be gone, but gone in a way that wouldn’t hurt anyone who loves me. I know that is impossible, so I continue on. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any friends. I don’t have anyone to talk to: I can’t bear to do this to my wife anymore, and my mother has so many problems of her own, I can’t possibly weigh her down with mine. I just don’t know what to do.