Depression 2018


#1

The last Depression thread was years ago, so I am making one here so as not to notify everyone who was on the old one.

I just realized that I made a mistake that I think will cost me my job. I work from home for a small hourly wage. It isn’t enough to keep us afloat, and our savings are gradually shrinking. I have informed my supervisor about the error, which is really a series of errors over a long period of time. She has not replied to me yet. Not a word. To be perfectly frank, I do believe that I deserve to be fired.

I always did well in school. I went to University, and did well there too. Then I went to law school, and did, well, sufficient to graduate. I never worked hard. I never took anything too seriously. I glided along on what I could do based on whatever natural gifts I had, and it was enough.

I couldn’t get a job in law after I passed the bar…not a real one, in any case. I eventually got a job with a friend of mine who had an internet company. I did a terrible job but they kept me on for years, until the company was bought out. Then I did nothing for a while, and got this job, which I have also fucked up.

I hate work. I have always hated work. I have never, ever been able to focus on my job. I don’t understand why everyone else in the entire universe is able to put their head down and get shit done, and I just can’t. It’s pathetic. I have no marketable skills, as I never worked hard at getting any. I never wanted to do anything, and I still don’t. I had the resources, the backing to go out and pursue anything, and I have done nothing. I dream. About games and lines on maps. History, philosophy, psychology. Useless shit. I have two beautiful children and a wonderful wife who loves me and understands me as well as anyone ever has. I have completely failed them.

I’m tired. I’m so, so tired. I have felt my whole life that I don’t belong here. That there’s something not right with me. I’m on medication, but it doesn’t fix this. My back pain keeps me from standing or sitting for a long period of time. I’m riddled with sadness and anxiety and depression. I just wish I could be gone, but gone in a way that wouldn’t hurt anyone who loves me. I know that is impossible, so I continue on. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any friends. I don’t have anyone to talk to: I can’t bear to do this to my wife anymore, and my mother has so many problems of her own, I can’t possibly weigh her down with mine. I just don’t know what to do.


#2

I PMed you. Let’s talk. I know what its like when things get really bad.


#3

Woah. Back up there, Mark.
I know the suspense must be terrible (I’ve been there), but let’s make sure you’re actually fired before going off the deep end. That said, I realize that this is deeper than just work.

So definitely take up Navaronegun’s offer.
And keep posting here please.
There is lots of level-headed help in these parts if you’re willing to keep talking about it.


#4

When things calm down a bit, let’s talk about that back pain. What’s it from? Chronic pain can take a hell of a lot out of you. Maybe if we can address that a bit, you might have a bit more energy for other things.


#5

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time. I’m not going to pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I feel we are similar in some of the ways you mention - doing well in school but glided, never liking work, having anxiety, etc…

Like Giles_Habibula said, wait and see if you actually get fired. It may work out.

You mention you’ve got a great wife and kids - that is a lot! You haven’t failed them. You love them and they love you. That is worth a lot, being a loving dad and husband. They value you.

Are there any simple steps you can take to ease some of the economic trouble - like cutting cable, not having expensive mobile phone plans, etc? If you could balance the budget that may take pressure off of you. Money problems can easy cause a ton of anxiety.

Like already mentioned, try talking to people - the offer above, your wife, a counselor. You never know where help can come from.

I hope you can get out of these feelings of despair. Sorry I don’t have anything more useful to help.


#6

Although I don’t know much about your particular situation other than you’re well educated and have a beautiful family, as someone who was diagnosed and wrestled with major (clinical) depression 8 years ago including a year of antidepressant medication: feelings of crushing guilt are common and not necessarily grounded in reality. You are awesome, and sometimes just continuing to exist is the bravest thing you can do along your heroic journey.


#7

Mark, we’re here for you. I’ve been in the deepest bowels of depression my own self, so if you’d also like to PM me as well, please don’t hesitate. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been in a lot of therapy. ;)


#8

We love you @Mark_L . Your issues are not your fault, but down to the most basic chemical interactions going on in your brain. Some people are lucky and those connections and the balance of compoundsare just fine. There are others like yourself (me too) where it does not.

If you don’t have an amazing counselor (psychiatrist or psychologist) please get one as soon as possible. Preferably one that doesn’t bring religious leanings into the equation and focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy, plus they can also train you in mindfullness. I’ve had two psych’s. My first was AMAZING. She made amazing progress with me, then she moved from here to LA to do clinical research. Now I have another and he’s nice, but we’re going nowehre. I tell you this because if you have a therapist who isn’t making much of an impact for you, ask for another one. It makes a world of difference.

This is not useless shit. This is the Republican mindset telling Americans they’re of no value unless they’re some big-shot business owner. It’s the same thing that’s been crushing me for years.

Last comment… maybe those dreams are telling you what you should be doing? You’re distracted because you’ve been in the wrong profession(s) your entire life? Just something to think about.


#9

Fantastic advice.


#10

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. I’m doing my best here, and I am sorry to have dumped it out on you. I’m not normally a dramatic person.


#11

Stop it. Communities like this are what this sort of thing is for. We lift each other up when needed. :)


#12

Exactly. We are here, and we are saying that because we mean it.


#13

Please don’t apologize. If it was wrong to dump that would mean I’m even worse since I’ve done that many times over the years.

I’d like you to think about something. If we could get rid of all the Trump-like people and have them replaced with people like you, Earth - would seriously be a million times better. You’re one of the good guys Mark. Don’t let your brain tell you otherwise. Also, your grammar and writing is way better than mine (as I look back on my fractured sentence structure in these posts) ;)


#14

Oh that’s ok. We all have dramatic moments in our lives.

If you do lose your job, maybe you find something better. Ask for help from your wife to help you look, a relative or two, etc. Kind of corny, but remember what Buddha said - most people spend too much time in their lives worrying about stuff that never actually happens.

Don’t know how old you are, but if you are not too old to worry about stroking out, I recommend exercising and wearing yourself out. That after glow makes you feel better.

There’s no real answer. Just remember that you’re not the first to feel this way, so look for help in some way. Others have struggled through it. Tomorrow you may feel better. If not tomorrow, then next week or next month or maybe it takes longer. You can get there.


#15

I’d like to send some positive vibes your way. You have a family, and that is what really matters. The rest of it is just stuff.

I offer shitty advice since I don’t understand depression, and I’m sorry for that. But, I strongly suggest you get your financial house in order. Sell your house, move to a trailer or two-bed walkup, go shoot a deer instead of buying meat, ask wife to take a Walmart job, whatever it takes. There needs to be savings of 10% or more, which points to a positive future of retiring, some day. You don’t need to retire with fancy cars and trips to Europe - walks to the park, reading at the library, riding a bike around town are free.

Again, sorry for the crappy advice.


#16

I was fired from a job once for being sick too much. In truth it’s a job I hated (testing lead for software development) and I didn’t want to be there. I hated the company, the people were dumb and sucked (it was an insurance company, boo), incompetence and backstabbing everywhere.

So, it was stressful, and I hated it, and also at the same time I was experiencing just terrible allergies and my acid reflux was worse than ever.

So one day I call in sick again and they call and fire me. I was really upset for a bit, wondering what my wife would think of me, wondering what this would do to me psychologically, wondering about money, all that stuff. So finally I tell my wife, a pit of despair and shame in my heart.

You know what she said? She said:

“I’m sorry, sweetie It doesn’t matter. We’ll get through this, we always have.”

And that was it. She was glad she got to spend more time with me, I wasn’t stressed anymore, etc. It was a net positive, except for the money of course.

The point is, work, and fulfillment from work, doesn’t really matter. We are all (except the self employed) working for someone else, making someone else richer, working as cogs in big machines. It’s usually thankless and depressing for a lot of people. For a lot of people, the highlight of their day is their lunch break.

Forget that noise. Cherish your family, they love you. Just wait until you or someone close to you gets sick. All that shit just fades away and seems petty and dumb. Live for your family, is my advice. They love you.


#17

Thank you, everyone.

Work is quiet about the consequences of what happened. I don’t know what my future is and it makes me totally on edge. I feel this strange and awful combination of stressed and anxious yet resigned to being let go. I don’t want to do this work. That’s my problem. I’m just tired. Sorry, I’m just kind of rambling. I just wanted to say that I have read everything you all have said and I truly appreciate it.


#18

These sound like wonderful dream and ideas. If you ever have any interest in Dominions 5, let me know. Dominions is very modder friendly, and putting together a mod nation was one of my most satisfying experiences. It allowed me to combine my interests in games and mythology.

We’ve also had people put together fantastic maps.

For me, what helped was finding someone to collaborate with.


#19

Yeah, I lost my job today.


#20

Hang in there Mark.