Depression 2018


#21

Well you seemed to be resigned to it, so maybe it’s a good thing? Since you didn’t seem to like it? Time to dive into that hobby you love and make a living at it. ;) We’re here for you man.


#22

Perhaps a blessing in disguise. It might be stressful in the short-term, but you clearly weren’t very happy there.


#23

I was in this position and I started using a product called Back Up by Nada Chair – I use it all day at work, and generally when I’m home on the computer. Total life saver. I sound like a random bot spammer here but it really helps! It’s vastly different than an ergonomic cushion or whatever. You don’t even touch the back of of your chair when you use it. When my back is particularly bad I can’t sit at all in a regular chair, but sitting in this thing is relief.


#24

What Brian and Misguided said. I’m sure you feel stressed now but hopefully you land something you like better. I hope things work out. Don’t pin your self worth on your job - people are so much more than that.


#25

@Mark_L I want to hear about your game thoughts. You said you have many of them, and I’d love for you to share them to chat about. Whether it’s wanting to play certain ones, game theory, or what you do play that you want to get back to.


#26

Not sure where you live or what money you’re looking for, job-wise (in fact, I guess I don’t know anything about you), but some positions always have openings, which at least helps in the interim. Especially since you have a degree, becoming a trainmaster or some other railroad employee might be workable.

One man I knew only had a HS diploma, was 56, and had just been driving taxis for the past 10 years, but he got hired on for just under 6 figures. Kinda sucks, but I always like to look for more opportunities.

Also, make sure you are getting out into nature. It has proven benefits to one’s mental health.

-BQ


#27

Ahhh i can’t take this shit anymore.

I just want to get a camper and go hiking for the rest of my life.

It feels like crawling up hill for 20 years, only to look up from staring at your feet and hands, watching every stupid step to see… hill, more hill, going up forever. And sometimes i have to stop and ask; why am i climbing up this hill again?

I feel like i need to make a big life change. Either live the drop-out lifestyle i never did, or enter politics. The rat race is starting to kill me.

Maybe i just need a long run… and take up drinking. I’m sure one of these will help!


#28

The part that sucks for me is that you run up the hill, and then look back and wonder whether you’ve wasted your life.

Our society assails us with a constant bombardment of messages about doing meaningful, fulfilling things. About how no one ever sat in their death bed wishing they had worked more. About going places, having experiences, kissing the girl, writing the poems, drinking the wine with friends.

It then also promotes 60 hour work weeks for your entire meaningful adult life, so that you are drained, tired, and empty.


#29

I wouldn’t mind fighting the good fight to the last breath for everyone else, but just to advance my pole position a few notches gets old.

Is it because i’m studying for some professional licensing exams, the house is a wreck, the yard hasn’t been mowed in three weeks, and it all feels pointless when the world is falling apart around us? Maayybbee…


#30

My lawn is so bad it literally gave up trying to grow (except the crabgrass).


#31

Dude. Mow the lawn. You will feel 100x better. I have never regretted mowing the lawn, even when I ran over a dead squirrel, and holy shit that smells bad.


#32

Yuck!

But you’re right, doing even small physical tasks has always given me a positive feeling. Task completion can be therapeutic. Wash the car, spend 40 minutes at the gym, go clear up a stack of unread mail, anything.


#33

I mowed the yard.

But i didn’t edge.


#34

Really? What did it smell like?


#35

Don’t be such an EDGELORD (geddit?)


#36

I just fell down the rabbit hole of seeking those clips out. I really need to revisit Kids in the Hall.


#37

You’ll never leave.


#38

Using my riding mower is one of my great joys in life.


#39

I got one this summer. It does feel good. I feel like a little kid on his tractor.


#40

So I’ve been finding it more and more difficult to go on. Not that there’s a crisis point approaching right away, but anytime my thoughts stray towards the future or myself in general, it’s like staring into a deep black pit and I don’t see any way of pulling away. Moment to moment, things can be okay… I don’t mind my job, and outside of that I get a few moments of joy from photography and video games, but beneath all of that there is this feeling of being hollowed out and sucked down. In the past, I’ve tried to talk about this to various friends (who have since largely drifted away) and the conversations almost universally landed with “So what do you want me to do?” and I didn’t and still don’t have an answer. And so I distract myself, with alcohol and various hobbies; anything to avoid looking at or thinking about that worthless, contemptible center.

Never had anything approaching a relationship and can’t imagine that happening now. Honestly and truly, there is nothing I wish for more than a healthy intimate and emotional relationship, but there is not a fiber of my being that believes I am either capable or deserving of such a thing.

On an intellectual level, I know there are people who care about me. Or at least, believe they care about me. And I wish they were right and justified in feeling that way. But at the very center of my being, there is zero sense of value, and on the occasions where someone does express a positive feeling (most often with a performance review at work, but sometimes on a more personal level) it just triggers a deep sense of shame, sadness and contempt towards myself that I have been deceptive and have misled them into thinking I am something I am not. But people could tell me all they’d like that they care, and that I am valuable, but the truth is that on a very core and fundamental level, I know that’s not true. It’s like trying to convince me that I’m a turnip–it doesn’t matter how detailed and impassioned your argument might be, it’s very simply not true. They are mistaken. And I am complicit in this misunderstanding and should feel even worse for having misled them. People think they care, but that’s only because they don’t realize just how terrible I am.

And that’s not even to mention the internal monologue that won’t shut up about every mistake I’ve made, every joke that didn’t land, every post that should have been more insightful and articulate, and every laughably unrealistic hope or dream; a monologue that won’t let up with “Just shut up, you worthless piece of shit. This is why you are the way you are.”

But right now, in this moment, it’s not terrible. I’ve still got Red Dead Redemption 2 to finish. And I just sent off a few rolls of film to the lab for development and I’d like to see how those turned out. And then… if I just keep focused at the ground in front of me, there’s another step to take.

Maybe this should have gone in the “I’m Drunk Tread”.

Happy Friday!