Yo, dude. Let me take a minute to catch up with you. I don’t suffer from depression, and I’m not a qualified professional, I’m just another dude. But I’ve known some folks with depression, and I know how they’ve talked about it. And you may recognize right now that your brain is fucking with you. Because in a very real sense, your brain is your enemy. It’s also the thing that keeps you moving and breathing, so it’s a complicated relationship.
Can I ask if you’ve ever been to see a therapist? Do you take any medication? Because if your answer to either or both is no, I would urge you to consider seeing someone. I don’t know if @Ephraim still hangs around these parts, but I’m pretty sure he is a professional in these areas, and I imagine he’d say something much the same. If you have or are seeing a therapist, or are on medication, I would urge you to tell them about this, because what you’re doing doesn’t seem to be working for you. There’s no reason you have to feel this way. Nobody is without worth, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking so.
It’s none of my business, and you don’t really know me, so I wouldn’t think less of you if you read this and think, pssh, whatever. But your friends and family can’t really help you with this, much as they’d like to. You need specialized assistance here, and I hope you talk to someone.