Depression 2018


#61

See a psychiatrist, for sure.

On awkward silences: when you meet the psychiatrist, remember that it doesn’t have to be a conversation until he/she decides to make it one. It’s about you — the shrink will respond to you later. Just start talking and keep talking until the shell you describe starts to crack.

Once you make that crack, I’ll bet the tension inside you will take care of pushing out the rest of the talk the shrink will need to diagnose you. Don’t even think about avoiding embarrassment or keeping secrets (unless you murdered somebody or something) — just let it all flow. The shrink has certainly heard much worse.

Meds may help that shell crack some more, and then maybe a dedicated therapist will do you more good. But what others say above about a match is true. And therapy may not be necessary. Meds may help you lift and carry the weight. Let the shrink guide you; he or she can see things in you that you can’t.


#62

I like my psychiatrist a lot, but feel there is not much left that he can do. I am starting to have fun at my job, but I am unable to work long hours. I have few attachments (thankfully, for everyone else), so there’s not much keeping me here either. I am probably too chickenshit to kill myself though.


#63

The world is a much better place with you in it, Yak.


#64

It’s definitely a much weirder place. But that’s saying the same thing.


#65

Getting into therapy is tricky because I have to time it just right. Often (usually when I have a big project to focus on or am able to really dive into a hobby and generally able to avoid thinking about myself beyond the most superficial level) I feel okay and don’t think I really need to talk to someone. Or at least not enough to go through all of the effort to do so. But then when things head south, they very quickly pass into the territory I’m in now, where my disgust and outright contempt towards myself are strong enough that I’m actively hoping that I fail. And this gets extra tricky to navigate because the antipathy towards myself is great enough that I become apprehensive towards anyone looking to help in a “the friend of my enemy is my enemy” sort of way.

But even when I’m able to thread that needle, the act of engaging a therapist can prove to be daunting. Even assuming it’s a perfect fit (which I haven’t found yet–though I suppose more my fault than theirs), it’s difficult finding someone in my general area who accepts my insurance. Then I tend to work longer hours than most therapists (who don’t seem to be available on weekends), and I’m close to mechanical in the predictability of my habits so any unusual absence at work would surely be remarked upon. I know I could technically just say I have an appointment and that would be that, but if it comes down to not getting help or have people know I’m getting help, the latter is not an option. It was easier when I worked centrally downtown, but now it’s probably at least a 20 minute drive each way to the closest available therapist.

So I guess for now, I keep my head down, find something to focus on, and try to avoid catching my reflection in mirrors.


#66

Just my 2c, but I think a gaming group in particular would be much better than this. My experience is that seeing movies, watching sport, or just drinking with other people can be great fun but it can also inspire loneliness depending on how comfortable you are with the other people in the group. I think it is because movies/sports relies on passively watching something with others, it’s very easy to go the entire time without saying anything to anyone or ever feel any belonging.

Meanwhile, participating in gaming groups even with complete strangers is so social because everyone is interacting through the game, and you never have to think of what to say next. Boardgaming is the easiest way to bond with someone, in my view.

Anyway, you probably know all this already, just thought I would chime in, I hope things improve for you!


#67

I know that feeling. I have gotten it with groups over a certain size. I have never gotten it with the same people in groups of just one or two — I think that’s the difference. Try it out?


#68

Dude, just go. There’s no such thing as a perfect time, and trying to convince yourself otherwise will just allow your depression to justify putting it off.


#69

I hope this is not too kooky, but this really jumped out at me, because it is something I am trying to work on.

I grew up being trained that things were very binary. Either the Democrat or Republican side was “right”. There was always a “right” and a “wrong.” If something did not work out, there always had to be a “fault.” It’s my pet theory that geeks and others who love analysis are particularly prone to this. They believe they can find an “right answer” for anything so long as they think hard enough.

Getting that out of your head, or at least thinking about it constructively, might be helpful. Your particular example just jumped out at me.

There does not have to be someone at “fault” because you have not found the right therapist yet. You just have not found the right therapist yet. For things like therapy, there is not always a fault. It’s just whether you work well with that particular person or not.

Working on not assigning internal blame for things just because they did not work out (or needing to assign blame to anything) is a helpful skill, I think. It also lets us make decisions (and fail) without always needing to believe it was the wrong decision just because it failed. Some times, things don’t work out, and it does not have to be someone’s (particularly your) fault. :)


#71

Hope you’re ok anonymgeist.


#72

Less not-OK than when that post was written, at any rate. And thank you.


#73

I wish you lived near me. You could totally be yourself, and feel like you belonged if you were around me I think.
Maybe those I’ve met here on QT3 might feel different about me I don’t know :)


#74

I hate to hear it, @anonymgeist, that sounds like the worst. I feel like I can relate in my own way - I lived on the east coast a few years before I moved out to Seattle, in Charlotte specifically, and those were the loneliest years of my life. I moved there for work and didn’t know anybody, and all my friends were pretty much work acquaintances, and they all had families and kids and I was just a single guy. I joined a few clubs, dated a bit, but nothing ever clicked. I got really down.

It sounds like you do have friends and activities available so you are at least not stuck inside your own head all the time, I know that can suck. I hope things pick up for you.


#75

Last night was rough, but while today is slightly better, I’m still white-knuckling it Wages of Fear-style today as it feels like things will split either really high or really low. And seeing that there are a lot of ways things can go wrong in a day and very few to go right, I know which I’d bet on. So I’m trying my best to stay distracted right now and avoid any thoughts at all about myself, the future, anything related to relationships/dating or happiness in general, but there’s not much at the moment that is bringing me joy. And I’m trying to avoid self-medicating with alcohol.

Fingers crossed!


#76

In solidarity with you I will watch one of the Movie Club Losers tonight; likely Bullitt or Caliber 9.

I am saving Point Blank and The American Soldier for the weekend.


#77

I really should have put some money down on that one.