This one is hard because there’s such a major (indirect) self-destructive component to my depression… when it really sets in, my dislike/disgust/loathing is enough that I don’t want myself to get better or feel better.
That said, I do get out for a brisk ~45 minute walk each weekday, and generally do a set of push-ups each morning.
And, as of a few days ago, I decided to (at least try to) give up alcohol. Which is probably not helping my current irritability/fragility, but should be good in the long-run if I can stick to it.
Today’s been a bit rough though… I’ve had to slink off to the restroom a couple of times now to quietly cry, and I’m glad our small office is pretty deserted so there aren’t many people around to see just how red my eyes are.
I’m amazed you manage to make it to work and countain your feelings.
I know you don’t care about praise and consideration from others, but to me, that’s a hell of an accomplishment right there.
That’s excellent news that you found an outlet that helps. Threads like this are great and we’re always happy to help as much as we can, but it’s not exactly an immediate response format.
Venting again: been struggling hard today with the feeling that I’ve wasted my life, I continue to waste my life, and I don’t know how to stop wasting my life.
Loneliness is overtaking me, and the current circumstances aren’t exactly helping.
It’s one of those days where I really have to avoid looking in mirrors.
On the plus side: I stopped drinking over a week ago. Been especially rough trying to manage my emotions without that method of numbing, but it’s been easier than I expected to stay away. Cutting it out fully helps… when I tried to limit it to one day, it inevitably spilled over and eventually became an every night thing.
Umm, you have your photography, which you seem to be really good at. From what we have talked, you have a successful career as well. Dive into your hobbies. Exercise as well. I go riding around on my bike and it takes my mind off of things and when I get done I feel like I accomplished something.
For the drinking, I have a problem with it myself. I have pretty much cut back, but I went on a tear a week ago. Drank too much a few days straight. Then I stopped again. Every time I stop, I notice that for at least a week I am grumpy and depressed. Maybe the same for you?
I appreciate the encouragement re: photography. I think the “wasting my life” feeling is centered around relationships/companionship. It’s something I have a deep desire/need for, but I’ve spent my entire life alone (like I’ve said, my most intimate relationship was a handful of chilly, awkward dates with a woman who said she only went out with me as a last resort not to end up alone). It’s becoming increasingly crushing and smothering. I don’t know how to deal with it.
That is freaking amazing. On the loneliness front, do you have a pet? I realize that does not substitute for a girlfriend, but after my wife took off my cats were an amazing source of companionship to me. When I am crumbling from loss, I pop my legs up on the L of my couch, I put on one of my favorite shows, “Father Brown” from the BBC on Netflix, I grab one of those ultra soft blankets and cover my legs, then one or both of my cats hop on on me. I sink into the couch, and think deeply about how soft it all is and talk to my cats just a bit. Then relax and watch the show. That has become my sanctuary where I try to pull myself from the edge of despair and loneliness.
Can you find a way to replicate this? It is so peaceful and I’d love for you to have this too.
Yeah, I have two cats that I’m extremely attached to, and they really help. But it doesn’t fill the same need. Though, hell, it’s entirely possible if I were to actually end up in a relationship, it still wouldn’t fill that hole. Which is a bit terrifying, now that I think about it…
My guess is it’s not so much your looks, but your insecurity. I know I wear mine on my sleeve.
I don’t know what to say to the loneliness part. We sound similar, but I accepted that I am never going to be in a relationship again. I don’t know how I did that, I just did. I don’t worry about it anymore. I have my cats and my stupid electronic toys I spend way too much money on. That’s my life, but I am ok with that.
It’s a transition to one day at a time. Don’t ever look at the future and what you may miss, but look at the here and now and what can I do to fullfill today.
You’re probably right. But I look in the mirror and often just see a monster fit to be laughed at and spit upon. It’s hard to make it through sometimes.
I don’t know if this is helpful or constructive at all, but no one else is going to think so. I’ve had issues with social anxiety and stuff like that in my life, where I’d be sorry freaked out that everyone was paying attention to every little slip-up I made or stuff like that. It took me a while to really grasp that that was just me, no one else was paying that close of attention and if they were, no one cared if I said something stupid or anything else like that.
That feeling of loathing you describe when you look at yourself in the mirror is coming from you. Others aren’t looking at you like you’re a monster or someone to be spit upon. People in general aren’t going to look at another and have that kind of feeling or reaction.
Anyway, please take care and try that crisis line you mention. I’m sorry I don’t know how to help but I do know people and they do not think of you in such a way.
Sorry to hear the line didn’t help this time, but don’t give up on it (or other similar options). What didn’t help one night might be just what you need on another!
Maybe it would help if you sought out some groups of people with common interest to you… Say a photography group or book club or the like. I know it’s not the same as a romantic relationship but it can help to have sympathetic friends to chat with. Granted these times dictate that this is going to be an online thing but still having human contact with another person is a good thing, even if it is only over the Internet.
I’m currently part of a large format photography group online, but there’s very little “social” aspect to it (doesn’t help that I seem to be the only member under 65) and it’s pretty much limited to technical discussion. I’ve tried other groups in the past, but never felt like I fit in and so they’ve ended up being more distancing than anything. It’s something I have a great deal of trouble with online or in person.
