I am a gamer. I say it loud. I say it proud. I’ve been a gamer since the early 80s, and have owned every console since the Atari 2600 and have had a gaming computer since my Apple IIes.
Recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and my life started to implode. I had to go on disability from work, the wife started eyeing the door, and the money started to dry up. I had long swathes of time at home. Time to take care of the backlog, right? Well, I did that. It was alright. But then I had more time. I did what I always wanted to do. I started playing EVE Online. I started MOBAs, now that I had the time to git gud.
I got gud, but it was empty. People are toxic. Especially in these games.
The last bastion of my joy: Paradox games, which I have clocked 1000s of hours are more and more multiplayer balanced.
I am (was) a professional, middle-aged, working in a field where you don’t really talk about gaming in conference calls or meeting rooms. I don’t have the time or inclination anymore to devote; and there really aren’t games that are doing it for me anymore.
Imagine seasons changing outside, and I’m still plugging away, except that I’m now back at work. My illness is in remission enough to let me work, and I’m rebuilding what little is left of my life, begging creditors for time and trying my best not to lose all hope.
I’ve talked to some people in our community, most notably about survivors depression, and how, no matter how much of a second chance I’ve been given, I can’t seem to pull out of this. I don’t know how much of this is the depression, how much of it is that I’ve become too much of a fossil that hasn’t grown with gaming, and how much of this is that I’m just done.
I have a hard time meeting people, and its taken a lot out of me to write this. I’m setting myself up for the trolling and the lambasting, but its my last ditch effort to stay in the hobby that I love so much and one of the last things I have to hold on to.
I don’t know what to do. I feel utterly alone, and have lost basically everything I love.
Thank you for opening up. That took a lot of guts.
I don’t have any experience with what you have been through or what you’re going through, but I feel for you. It’s great that your illness is in remission. That’s really wonderful. As for your guilt and/or detachment, I am not sure what can fix that. I feel unequipped to offer you advice. But the one thing I will say is that it sounds like you need to be part of a community - a support group of survivors, or a meetup sharing a common interest or a gaming group or something. Things are so tough when you’re all along and when you don’t have people to support you. So I would encourage you to get out there. Yeah, it’s hard, putting yourself out there. But I think you see that trying to go it solo won’t work.
If you’re interested in online gaming communities, I know of one that would be supportive and welcoming of new people, but they play mostly MMORPGS. Right now they have people playing in ESO and a larger presence in GW2. It’s a very family-friendly caring group of people, and they’re quite active, so you’ve got a shot at finding some common-minded people. If you’re interested in trying to hook up with them, let me know and I’ll shoot you the info.
But all I can really do is offer some encouragement: hang in there, keep plugging away, and try to find a community.
Good luck.
Axis, I know you and I have talked about this before, but you’re doing the right thing to reach out to people. But reaching out to us is only the first step.
Depression can be a medical condition and it’s treatable. You’ve obviously got a lot going on in your life, and it can all feed into clinical depression. It can all turn into a vicious cycle. You need to talk to a doctor about this aspect of your well being, even if it’s just to try a mild anti-depressant (my primary health care physician prescribed me one over the phone when I was recovering last year).
In the meantime, you really need to stop with that MOBA nonsense. You’re better than that. Also, I’d like a paragraph or two about why Victoria II is Paradox’s best game of all time. Of all time! And when you get a chance, jump into some async games with us. I’m still up for a game of Twilight Struggle and I promise you, I’m not good at it. Also, Dave Perkins and crew have a whole social circle of folks playing the kind of games you’d like. You should jump into one of those threads.
-Tom
P.S. Yes, what Charlatan said about support groups! A thousand times yes. Literally the very first thing I did when I was diagnosed was Google “cancer support group”. My situation would have been so much more difficult without that group.
Welcome to the forum axisandallies.
I hope you find some camaraderie here and more importantly also offline in your real life.
Speaking strictly of the games you mention, I’m afraid you’ve given me nothing to work with. I haven’t played Eve, don’t like MOBAs, and haven’t played any Paradox games. Have you played The Witcher 3? Sometimes escaping at its best is losing yourself in an entertaining story with colorful characters and interesting narratives.
It sounds like you need the help of your support group, and other things beyond the scope, perhaps, of the games sub-forum, but I hope you at least get some more joy out of gaming, if that’s something you feel is an anchor to try to get some joy.
Just to echo what Tom was saying, please, please, please, seek help for your depression. It’s not something to fuck around with. Of course, the worst of it is that when you’re depressed, even reaching out to get that kind of help is a huge hurdle. Please make that effort.
I suspect there are lots of others here on the board who can write more eloquently about depression and the need for help. As someone who has been there a number of times over the last 30 years, all I can say is that I feel for you. Depression has (repeatedly) stolen my love of gaming from me, such that games I should be enjoying turn into joyless slogs. When that happens, I try to set gaming aside, if only so that it’s not ruined for when I am able to experience happiness again. A lot of the time for me it’s just getting through the days, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that Qt3 had been immensely helpful.
For me, medication and regular light exercise has been the key to keeping depression at bay or minimizing its effects. I honestly and sincerely hope you find something that works for you. Most of us haven’t been through the kind of trauma you have, and the fact that you’re still with us means you deserve respect and admiration. If you ever want to chat, or you find yourself in the DC area, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You mentioned that you worried you were opening yourself up to trolling and lambasting, but, honestly, I suspect you’ll find there’s a great deal of love and sympathy here in Qt3-land.
Medication, cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness should be your first priority.
A proper long term support group should be your second.
I’m not really a huge Paradox gamer, though I have been playing a little bit of Stellaris recently, and I’d totally be down for some multiplayer.
FWIW I have some idea what you’re going through. And really, line 1 of this post is what you should go do this instant. I’m not American and can’t really speculate on the feasibility of those three things if you have to foot the bill yourself, but it’s difficult for me to imagine there aren’t more or less gratis options.
I appreciate the kind words from everyone. I am looking into getting help. I just feel a lot of loneliness. The emptiness that I feel no matter what I do is disturbing. Going to a group is going to be difficult for me. I have low self-esteem on a good day. At work I can talk in front of board rooms with no problem because of my ambition. Opening up about myself in person in front of people is going to be odd. Anyway, again, I thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I hope I get through this.
You’ll get through this. I’m impressed not only by your courage in posting here, but also by your obvious intelligence and the quality of your writing. A lot of people on the internet can’t put three sentences together, and you write like a pro. Those qualities suggest you have a lot to contribute, whether it’s at work or in a game of Twilight Struggle against Tom.
I have close relatives with depression, and we’ve used some of the treatment options Tom mentioned. They’re not magic overnight cures, but they do help.
I don’t know you from Adam, but…
I’ve been in and out of similar shit. Not really knowing if the latest health crisis (“crisis” really, because each individually would be minor but for the overarching issue) is the beginning of the end, or…?
What I’ve learned from my own situation is that the end-of-the-world shit is temporary. Not because I’ve been granted so many reprieves, but because every day that I have is dependent not on the doctors, but on what I think. Literally, what I think.
I can be happy or miserable, and that’s on me. The medical shit is going to be what it is, and there’s literally nothing I can do about it.
I just try to get through the bad days without fucking up the rest of my life (in my case, trying to not be an asshole to my wife/kid/family), turn the mediocre days into good ones, and enjoy the good ones for what they are.
Stay strong. Or, at the very least, don’t let the disease own you. It may kill you, but it doesn’t have to own you if you don’t let it.
I can completely understand that concern, but no support group is ever going to ask you to open up, share anything, comment on something, or even talk until you’re ready. The immediate value comes from knowing that you’re not alone and hearing other people discuss their experiences. I cannot stress how valuable that is. For many people, the process of sharing is a longer term proposition and the professionals who conduct support groups would never push anyone into it. I’ve been in support groups at three different points in my life for three very different situations, and all I was ever asked to say was my name by way of introduction. Anything beyond that came entirely on my own terms.
-Tom
Also please don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s all too easy to believe that this should be something you could soldier through on your own, and that’s just not necessarily the case at all. If you could simply control a mood disorder you wouldn’t have a mood disorder.
Hardest thing is when they leave you, or look to, because of something that’s been foisted on you. Undermines the meaning of your entire existence, which is probably what you are feeling now. The utter and vast emptiness.
In my experience it is taboo, probably because it is devestating to a person’s spirituality, and it is a human cruelty we refuse to acknowledge.
You have been changed by what’s happened to you.
I was in a similar situation. What really helped me was a prescription for anti depressants. I don’t like taking medication, so this was a big deal for me to even try them. It was given to me as a way to help me sleep at night, not depression. I was only sleeping an hour or two in a row. Before taking them neither I or my Doctors acknowledged that there was some depression going on. It might not work for you, but it could be worth a try.
The other things I tired were new genre’s of games. I bought a lot of humble bundles. I watched a lot of Netflix and Hulu, again shows in genre’s I hadn’t seen much of before. Basically I was searching for something I could connect to. What I found was that those connections were to things that weren’t there previously.
I think one thing about gaming is that what makes a game great is that it disguises what you are doing. Nearly all games are essentially repetitive tasks, but we don’t care because they are fun. But if you aren’t getting that sense of enjoyment from them because of other factors, then it leads to that sense of emptiness because all that is left is going through the motions.
What I’m suggesting isn’t that you should stop playing, but maybe, if you can get past the worst of it by whatever means (and a number have been suggested) maybe you will start to be able to feel what it was that has made you a gamer for all these years.
Hey axis dude, i dont have much to say but this: that is one courageous fucking opening post man!
Ditto, dude, really took some guts that.
And you won’t get no trolling or lambasting around here. I personally (thankfully at this stage) have nothing from my life experience that can help me closely understand what you are going through (beyond what my basic human empathy allows), but there sure as hell are others around there that can and by the responses already, they will be here to support you. We all will.
The next leap of courage is taking some of the advice on offer and from what you have written, I have no doubt you have it in you to do that too.
Look after yourself!
Have to agree with all of the above. For whatever it’s worth, this is a great forum filled with opinionated-yet-tolerant individuals ready to talk about pretty much anything. Even in R&P where people get their hackles raised every now and then, everyone is pretty good about keeping that stuff compartmentalized. Welcome, and major kudos for putting that out there for us.
Hi axisandallies,
Thank you so much for your post, you a far braver man than I! I really relate to so much of what you wrote! Especially "I don’t know what to do. I feel utterly alone, and have lost basically everything I love. ", totally relate to that…
I’m in a somewhat similar situation. Lost my job, my wife left me (because I suspect partially for my health issues and because of my inability to continue regular work- were still friendly at least - its hard to be angry at her, its a lot to take on). I want to believe its going to get better, but I’m 50 and the neurologist are stumped, so it looks like I’m going to have to live with some impaired cognitive functions and some more than mild short term memory issues that have developed quickly over the past few years. I’m also struggling with depression, and the meds are helping but when I try to dispassionately asses my situation, I find it difficult to find much to be optimistic about.
So it feels like gaming is also my last retreat. Even still I’ve been having conflicting feelings about my love of this hobby, but your post puts it in perspective somewhat, at least gives me something to think about. My challenge, I can’t play most strategy games anymore due to the impaired function, which is extremely frustrating and humiliating (used to be pretty good strategist- and wrote more than one hint guide from prima back in the day). Still, I can skill play rpg’s pretty well, and been replaying a lot of my favorite classics.
A part of me feels like this being the focus point on my life means of retreated for the rest of it. Its true I guess partially, but when you suddenly find yourself struggling to stay employed, its hard to build a robust life or feel good about bringing anyone into that instability. It feels selfish.
Thanks to everyone again for their kind words. Because of them, I feel like today i’m having a better day than normal. I’ve actually found a support group that looks like something I might want to check into. They meet on Tuesday, and I will go. Today I found some time to work on some old Warhammer miniatures that I bought and threw in a corner. Clipping and building seemed to occupy my time pretty well. It’ll take me probably months to paint them. I have to say, Im looking forward to it. Hearts of Iron IV lands tomorrow, too. Ill give that a whirl. Again, thank you all so very much. I hope you don’t mind if I check in from time to time to keep you updated. As some of you have noted, you are having similar situations. Hopefully we can get through this together.
I feel for you. I have no idea what it’s like to be diagnosed with a life-threatening condition, but things can get better. Support groups is a good idea. You can also try Yahoo Meetup groups as a way to interact with people. In St. Louis there’s one for boardgames, for example. There’s one for going out to cheap restaurants. There’s also one that’s just for socializing where I met a beautiful soul I now live with seven years and running who has really picked me up.
If you can present in boardrooms then you can probably figure out a way to talk yourself into putting yourself out there a little bit in other situations. Use whatever lets you get up in front of business people to go to something else and interact with friendly people. The overwhelming majority of people are nice and supportive in person. There aren’t that many bad apples. Don’t fear people face to face. Most of them are hoping to like you.
One last thing I’ve learned about myself, so I don’t know if applies to others, but some days now and then just seem to be really down days, days where everything seems like a struggle. What I learned is just to get through the day, lay my head down on the pillow, and when I wake up chances are the next day I will feel completely different. I almost always do.