Seems like I’m not doing so well health-wise. The depression I’m sure doesn’t help. Docs might have to get more aggressive with treatment. That means more time off work, losing more, and the endless bills keep stacking up. Looks like I might be losing my house.
There should be some kind of option to help someone keep their house under medical duress. It sometimes depends on the state you live in too. What’s challenging is not knowing what you’re actually fighting. Many of us have extended support networks, and that is what you really need right now, but they are disease specific. I have a lot things I’d like to suggest but having no clue if you’re dealing with Cancer, Parkinson’s, AIDs, Lupus, requiring a transplant due to organ failure, or crippling rheumatoid arthritis I can only give the vaguest of advice. At one point I was going to suggest volunteering at Red Cross to help you feel better, so you see your impact on the world and know you matter, but if you’re house or bed-bound that would be a useless suggestion.
Many diseases in and of themselves cause literal depression as part of the disease. Just as likely as plenty of medications can cause depression and crushing anxiety.
You’d be surprised how many of us walk the fine line between life and death here at QT3. I almost lost mine again this past Memorial weekend. And when I was in a coma years ago one of the medications they had me on to help with pain and to keep me from ripping out the ventilator equipment, Fentanyl, causes major psyche episodes in 20% of those that receive it. A sadly huge % of doctors don’t even realize this when they put patients on it so they don’t prepare the patients or their families for a sudden crush of depression and anxiety. As I’ve offered before. You can always pm me and I’d be happy to talk in confidence with you. But you have to want the help.
One other thing to consider. I don’t know where you live, but if you live in some area where they don’t give a crap about healthcare (hello Mississippi), you may not be getting all the treatment options that may be available.
I’d also like to offer some advice on your ability to enjoy hobbies. If you can get a mood altering drug (if it does’t cause you anxiety) like low dose marijuana that could really help you not care so much about the crap and sit back, relax, and enjoy some gaming with less stress and less junk cluttering your mind. I’ve never done an illegal drug, never drank, etc. but I’ve seen what an amazing transformation marijuana has on stage IV cancer patients, and if I feel like I’m at the hopeless stage of my own disease I plan on going the edible routes, or hopefully there will be a prescription pill by then.
What really made me a convert was this documentary I watched on young women in their 20’s who had just 6 months to live due to endstage cancer. One of them was using the nebulized version of marijuana and she had finally put on weight and said, it was the weirdest thing. She was at the worst point of her life, and she had never been happier or more relaxed. She said she couldn’t imagine having had to go through that without the prescription as it helped her on multiple levels. She knew she was going to die but no longer cared and it helped her enjoy each day so much more without breaking down or being so depressed. She was able to handle the situation much better than anyone else, but it was not a drunk/drug type existence. It was very zen with lots of smiling. I think the effects f the brain and the pain relief it provides, without hitting the nerves like an opiate or downer is what really does the trick.
I think I’ve hit the end of my rope. I’ve been trying. I really have. I’ve kept up with group sessions. I’ve seen a therapist. I can’t break through. I feel trapped. My work is suffering. I’m really no good to anyone. Thank you all so much for your kindness. I’m gonna keep on going for as long as I can. hopefully something will change.
I can’t imagine the depths you’re in but this sounds so final… please don’t do anything drastic, please keep hanging in there. I wish there was some way I could reach through the screen and give you a hug, to let you know that you should keep on fighting.
Have you expressed your frustrations to your therapist? Maybe breaking through this barrier will be the action that turns things around for you. I dunno, words are so inadequate to express the empathy I have for you.
Granted, this is an internet forum where people are largely anonymous, but you’ve reached out here and made some connections. So you can connect, you can be a part of a community. That’s something.
I dunno if you’ve reached out to these places but I’m just putting the info out here - do what you have to to survive.
National Suicide Prevention LIfeline
1-800-273-8255
IMAlive - http://hopeline.com (an online crisis network) 1-800-784-2433
Please don’t give up.
If you are that sick you should not have to worry about work at all. Get on disability ASAP so you can be at home and relax when your health is hurting you the most. You’ve already said your work is suffering so letting go of work may not be that bad, Having work off your mind will be a huge burden off your shoulders. Yes the cut in pay will suck, but if it helps your mind and gives your body some much needed rest, then do it. Also look into bankruptcy. I believe there is a special form of bankruptcy due to medical concerns. Call around for some attorneys to see if they can help you with both issues or at least refer you to someone that can help.
If you can get someone to help you with your life, which we can tell is overwhelming you, it will be good for you. I remember times when I kind of felt like you do, I thought I’d feel that way forever… but things changed for the better. And I didn’t throw my life away.
Such deep depression can sometimes make things seem worse than they are and squash your mind’s ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So you may have hope but the chemical shortage of serotonin causing depression absolutely will not let you see that.
Hi everyone. Been actually feeling a little better lately. Maybe the meds are kicking in a bit. Making progress with my therapist, too. Thank you all so much for everything. I actually have some interest in a game that Tom was playing called Odin Sphere, too. I played Muramasa, so this looks up my alley. I just have to wait for a sale though. Can’t really afford AAA prices anymore. 😔
Hopefully this is a trend going forward. I feel like crying that I feel something other than sadness and despair. You guys helped me through this and I can’t thank you enough.
Good news, man! It’s hard, but stick with the meds and the communication.
I’ve been slowly catching up on this thread (having lived with and loved someone who went through huge chunks of this same process over the last several years, it was very hard for me to read), and I just want to say how glad I am that there has been some improvement for you, @axisandallies.
Honestly, if you still have the drive and the determination to push yourself into social outings, therapy appointments, and medication regimens, you are well on your way to–well, not defeating, but certainly fighting–this beast depression. When it saps your will to even try to get better is when it’s at its most insidious and dangerous, and in doing so, it makes it hard to even see how badly it’s hurting you.
So, consider this a great big thumbs up of extraordinary pride at your fighting spirit. Keep it up!
Also, just to note: if you’ve got a PS2, or a backwards-compatible PS3, the original release of Odin Sphere can be had used for like $12-14 for that! It’s still absolutely gorgeous, if perhaps not HD. . .
So great to hear positive news, @axisandallies! Honestly, though we don’t “know” you IRL, my heart ached when I read your earlier posts, and I’ve been worried and sad that nothing seemed to help.
We’re here if you need to talk… er, type… and everyone here wants to help you get to a positive place. So happy to hear things are trending up.
What platform do you have that plays Odin Sphere?
Yaaaay!
I have a PS4. It looks like it’ll be gorgeous in HD!
So happy to see you in good spirits! Way to go, man. High fives! Please keep it up. I’m rooting for you!
Actually woke up feeling good this morning. Have an early appointment with my therapist. Poor guy has early hours to take care of al the crazy/poor like me.
Any morning Inwake up I’ll count as a win. There were some dire days as little as a week ago. Surprised at how quickly things change sometimes
Glad to hear you’re doing better. Keep fighting the good fight!
Looks like I’m starting to do better. My doc said that you guys are a lot of what’s positive in my life. So again thank you all. I might be sending out some friend requests on PSN if that’s ok. Also if anyone has Odin sphere I’d love to watch you play while I wait for a sale.
I am proud of you, a&a! The only way to affect change is to admit that there is a problem and then to do something about it. It took a lot of courage to ‘out’ yourself here and even more courage to follow through on your positive actions. It’s all one day at a time from here on out. Keep on hanging in there.
I’m so happy to hear your having some good days! I relish those days too! :)
My mother is in an “assisted living space”. Let’s call it what it is. A place that old people go to die. I did not put her there. My brother, who is a total scumbag, along with his witch, I mean wife, did it without my permission. As soon as he got her there we got her dog. Now he has power of attorney. Which he did in a seriously nefarious way. Since she’s been there her mind has been going bad. I’m as about as depressed as I can be. Only gaming stops me from being a total wreck. What a fucking awful life.
Shit, I’m sorry Rich, that sucks. Is there anything you can do?