DERPSPACE: Encounter at Regula O.S.S. |OT| A bold new space game by Gordon Cameron


#81

Our Customer Service department has exhaustively researched this issue and concluded that if you lift your PC two inches off your desk, and then drop it, it should resolve itself.


#82

As a special treat we’re releasing our first DERPSPACE Lore Injection ™. Enjoy!

History of the Derpassian Empire: Vol. I: The Gathering Storm

After fifty thousand years of peace, the Derpassian Empire found itself at a crossroads. The Warrior-Priests had, for the past several centuries, slowly been accruing power within the vast bureaucracy of the God-Emperor, Derpillian XIV, who had been made feeble and ineffectual by hundreds of years of life-extension treatments. On the Fourth of Szaglunvx, A.D. (After Derp) 53215, the Warrior Priests made their move. With astonishing swiftness, they performed a series of coordinated assassinations, effectively isolating Derpillian from those who might protect him from his increasingly treacherous and hostile palace retinue. The first assassination took place under the light of the Six Waning Moons, as the plaintive cries of famished Qub Pigeons echoed through the alabaster chambers of Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Nibh tellus molestie nunc non blandit. Maecenas volutpat blandit aliquam etiam erat. Proin sagittis nisl rhoncus mattis rhoncus urna neque viverra. Cursus metus aliquam eleifend mi in nulla. Adipiscing tristique risus nec feugiat in. Gravida in fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci. Magna fringilla urna porttitor rhoncus dolor purus non enim praesent. Sem nulla pharetra diam sit amet. Ac turpis egestas maecenas pharetra. Neque volutpat ac tincidunt vitae. Eget nunc lobortis mattis aliquam. At risus viverra adipiscing at in tellus integer feugiat. Purus sit amet luctus venenatis lectus magna fringilla. Magna eget est lorem ipsum dolor sit. Consequat mauris nunc congue nisi. Ornare massa eget egestas purus viverra accumsan in. Turpis egestas pretium aenean pharetra magna ac placerat. Amet justo donec enim diam vulputate ut pharetra sit.

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#83

I started saying the story out loud, then it evolved into some sort of chant, with the volume steadily increasing, and increasing, and increasing, and I just couldn’t stop, then the flies buzzed, OH DERP, THE FLIES,THE BUZZING, THE FLIES, ZZZGZGZT!!! then the phone rang and I suddenlwait where am I?


#84

Our fantastic art team has just completed this image of the 300-foot tall statue of Derpillian XIV that can be seen in the homeworld’s capital city of Derpopolis:

And here it is rendered in-engine:

O/
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#85

OMG, they DID get Gary Oldman! Awesome!

Look, for years, I’ve just wanted a modern update of Fucklancer. If that’s all DERPSPACE turns out to be, I’ll be happy. If they manage to get in some of this extra stuff like face mapping and sataball and a whole planet made out of city graphics, that’s just gravy.

-Tom


#86

The hype train starts here!


#87

Will there be Z minus 10,000 galactic meters?


#88

/˳˳_˳˳!˳˳X˳˳!(˳˳_˳˳)[˳˳_˳˳]


#89

I heard they hired a team of linguists to invent the Derpassian language. It’s gonna be the most real, the most authentic ever!


#90

This is what my parents did with me. I demand royalties.


#91

I’m not jumping in until ship insurance is implemented in alpha 2.0. I don’t want to lose my Derpassian Frigate.


#92

You should’ve backed the Kickstarter campaign, all backers got lifetime insurance.


#93

Stretch goal.


#94

Gross :P


#95

As someone who has spent too much time on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, I can promise you that Roy Rogers still exists. French fry holsters for everyone.


#96

Here’s another DERPSPACE Lore Injection™ ! Enjoy!

History of the Derpassian Empire Vol. II: Derpillian Makes His Move

Derpillian XIV knew he was surrounded by enemies. He had lost four food tasters in the last three days and had become so paranoid that he would only eat raw Qub Pigeons that he caught himself from the rooftop of his 6,000-story palace tower. Under cover of night, wearing a rare Regulan Cloaking Cloak that made him appear little more than a vague iridescent shimmer in the light of the Six Moons, Derpillian made his way across the vast sprawl of Derpopolis to the ancient temple of the Derpassian Sybil, which had stood on the Nineteenth Hill of Derpopolis since time immemorial, its crumbling columns and moss-bedecked masonry bearing mute testimony to the durability of the state religion, Cosmic Pantheism. Passing through the shadowy arches into the rectory, Derpillian heard a dry, brittle voice call out to him: “Cast off thy Cloaking Cloak, Emperor. There are no disguises in the realm of the Sybil.” Obeying this stern command – for even a God-Emperor knows not to take lightly the edicts of the Sybil – Derpillian replied, “I have come to seek aid in a time of great crisis, for the hour of reckoning is at hand. Will you assist we poked our heads out of the cottonwood thicket, and looked up and down and across; nothing in sight; so Jim took up some of the top planks of the raft and built a snug wigwam to get under in blazing weather and rainy, and to keep the things dry. Jim made a floor for the wigwam, and raised it a foot or more above the level of the raft, so now the blankets and all the traps was out of reach of steamboat waves. Right in the middle of the wigwam we made a layer of dirt about five or six inches deep with a frame around it for to hold it to its place; this was to build a fire on in sloppy weather or chilly; the wigwam would keep it from being seen. We made an extra steering-oar, too, because one of the others might get broke on a snag or something. We fixed up a short forked stick to hang the old lantern on, because we must always light the lantern whenever we see a steamboat coming down-stream, to keep from getting run over; but we wouldn’t have to light it for up-stream boats unless we see we was in what they call a “crossing”; for the river was pretty high yet, very low banks being still a little under water; so up-bound boats didn’t always run the channel, but hunted easy water. This second night we run between seven and eight hours, with a current that was making over four mile an hour. We catched fish and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness. It was kind of solemn, drifting down the big, still river, laying on our backs looking up at the stars, and we didn’t ever feel like talking loud, and it warn’t often that we laughed—only a little kind of a low chuckle. We had mighty good weather as a general thing, and nothing ever happened to us at all—that night, nor the next, nor the next. Every night we passed towns, some of them away up on black hillsides, nothing but just a shiny bed of lights; not a house could you see. The fifth night we passed St. Louis, and it was like the whole world lit up. In St. Petersburg they used to say there was twenty or thirty thousand people in St. Louis, but I never believed it till I see that wonderful spread of lights at two o’clock that still night. There warn’t a sound there; everybody was asleep. Every night now I used to slip ashore towards ten o’clock at some little village, and buy ten or fifteen cents’ worth of meal or bacon or other stuff to eat; and sometimes I lifted a chicken that warn’t roosting comfortable, and took him along. Pap always said, take a chicken when you get a chance, because if you don’t want him yourself you can easy find somebody that does, and a good deed ain’t ever forgot. I never see pap when he didn’t want the chicken himself, but that is what he used to say, anyway.


#97

We’ve made excellent progress in ship insurance. You’ll be able to purchase it through the website http://covered-derpassia.com* which will feature a wide array of highly affordable plans offered through an extremely efficient marketplace exchange. Premiums for the high-deductible plans begin at $147.56 per month, scaling upward depending on age, size of family, and preexisting conditions (such as tribble infestation, homicidal ship AI, etc.).

Note: do not click on http://covered-derpassia.com .


#98

Man I miss the Fixin’s Bar.


#99

You guys all have your own ways of enjoying DERPSPACE, but I know how it’s gonna be for me.

There’s a whole galaxy full of adventurers getting hurt. Laser wounds. Plasma burns. Limbs bitten off by exotic predators. What do they all need? A visit to the doctor’s office. And that’s where I come in. I’ll ask each one (in fluent Derpassian of course) for their insurance card and make sure that their address & phone number are up to date. I’ll get them to sign their name in the Derpassian alphabet when needed. And most of all, I’ll make sure to never violate Space HIPPA by disclosing their medical information to the wrong person.


#100
Summary

Edit: filth hidden because someone works where a little skin is offensive, even though the extra click completely destroys the initial impact of the content. NOTE: contains offensive content, parental discretion advised