Door To Door

The office I work out of doesn’t actually have a receptionist or actual staff that works there all day long. Additionally, all of us who do work there are out working at a hospital or surgery center (or home, my home is really my office) most of the day. Point is, when I’m there, I’m usually all by my lonesome. The office is part of a big center, but it ain’t ezactly in the swankiest part of town (VegasRobb and frequenters to Vegas: it’s up the street from UMC). My boss was working there one night, around 11-ish, when a dude in his 60’s came up and rattled the (fortunately) locked door. He was clad solely in his briefs, and I don’t mean he was a lawyer. Sooo, it’s a good habit to leave the door unlocked only when you are actually opening it and moving through the doorway, if you catch my drift.

BUT! I left it unlocked today, because I was farting around in the back and was expecting the Gas guy to drop off a new liquid nitrogen tank (we store heart valves and veins in liquid nitrogen, a brisk -190 C). It was raining out, and I didn’t want to hold him up at the door with that big fucking tank on his handtruck, getting wet and cursing my dark soul and vowing to make me wait all day for him next time. The door buzzes when it opens, anyway.

After dicking about in the back, I sat my ass down at the front desk and cried softly to myself as I read posts from JonR. and Brian Koontz intimating at what a horrible, horrible person I am for, like, posting stuff on the internet.

Suddenly this dude shot in the front door and came right up to my desk. The reception desk is one of those typical of doctor’s offices, tall in front so it’s abdomen-level to a standing visitor, and sunken so it’s chair-level to the receptionist. I’m sitting there chilling in front of the snazzy front office PC, waiting for the goddamned Gas guy, and now there’s this dude.

Rather, a friendly-faced fellow in a shirt and tie (and windbreaker to shake off the drizzle). Flashing a practiced grin, he bombarded me with a rapid-fire slew of pure huckster solicitation. Punctuating his sales pitch for the various odds and ends he was plying was him pulling those same things out of his bag, which was slumped against the front of the desk (I assume - I never saw the dude enter, nor his bag). A calculator! A CD case! Random other barely-related office/convenience items! I lost track as he handily piled these things on top of the desk.

Why did I lose track? No, it wasn’t for the sheer volume of them (there were only about four, including the calculator and the CD case). It’s because…well…because he was [size=2]black[/size]. There, I said it.

I reassessed my sitch, as Faith from Buffy would obnoxiously say. Alone, off-balanced, (black) guy reaching into his bag incessently, cheesing and pitching the whole while. Dressed nice, though. Who robs joints like these in mid-day? In the, you know, crappiest business sector in town…

Then he said, this guy looked at me, eerily calmed himself, and said:

“Wait, I have something really special to show you.”

He reached into his bag and pulled out a box, about one foot square. What could you put in a box like that? He laid the box on the desk. He opened the box. He said:

“Check this out.”

It’s a gun. A fucking handgun. I don’t know what kind, who knows what kind these days. He hefted it and pointed it at me. His expression is flat. I don’t know what’s coming next.

Oh, wait, not really. It’s a gift box with a wristwatch, pen and money clip. He’s going on and on about how it’s special and he never offers it for this price but all I can do is scream in my own head

THANK GOD THAT’S NOT A FUCKIN GUN.

Sad, no? I know, it’s your classic “Crossing the street” morality/sociopsychology experiment, but boy did I ever fail it. I did, however, buy later that day a “No Solicitors” sign and tack it up in full view. And kept the door locked.

If you’re a closet racist your best bet is to stay in the closet with the rest of us man.

No Solicitors, Bill? Come on, don’t be a pussy. Just get that ‘NO FUCKING NIGGERS’ sign you’ve been eying. The one with the neon, and the animatronic klansman curb-stomping Malcolm X. Wait, which smiley denotes that I don’t actually think you’re a racist? Aw, fuck it, I’ll pick one at random. 8)

It rains in Vegas?

Several years ago, I worked in an office in a pretty divey part of town. I went in one Saturday to get caught up on some work. When I heard the door open, I popped out of my cubicle to see who it was. Instead of someone who worked there, it was this big disheveled guy who staggered in, he waved to me as if to say “I’ll just be a minute” and stumbled into the bathroom. He spent literally 30 minutes (and by literally, I mean at least 30 actual real-time minutes, not some namby pamby “10 minutes, but I was uncomfortable” crap) in there making noises I didn’t realize a human could produce in addition to some impressive vomit, fart, and shitting noises. Meanwhile, I got done with my work and had to just wait for this guy to finish expelling whatever from whichever orifice. Finally, he stumbled out without a word, and even though I was going to leave right away, I followed him to lock the door so that no other weirdo came in before I was able to shut my computer down. I ventured a look into the bathroom out of curiosity, and was physically hit (ok, slight exaggeration there) by a piss/shit/vomit stench that lingered well into the next week.

But at least he wasn’t black. :wink:

Dude, if your life was a horror film, that would be the part where the audience is screaming DON’T GO IN THERE!

Yes: http://weather.yahoo.com/forecast/USNV0049.html

Hey, I’ve been in a horror movie. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.

For Christsake’s Bill. It’s obvious you have to think like them, if you want to out smart them. Next time a black man comes into your office with a bag you keep your hands out of site under the desk. You tell him never mind what’s in the box he wants to show you because what is really interesting is the 357 pointed at him from under the table. Next you tell him you want your wallet from out of his bag. When he asks you how to find it, you tell its the one with Bad Motherfucker on it. After that you start to quote the Old Testament. Guaranteed he runs out of the office, possibly even leaving his bag of stuff for you to pillage.

You need any more help with the black folk, you just let me know pal. Who’s your buddy, right?

I was up in my parents’ ski house in Tahoe for the weekend, and this year they got a new locker in the Members’ Locker Room. So when I was using it for the first time there was a black man using a locker a couple away from our new one. I walked over, said hi, shook his hand. After a couple seconds of talking he said “Oh, you’re not security!” I said “Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry, I’m here to throw you out because you’re black.” He said “Sorry, the black fleece confused me.” Turns out that he has people come up to him with “Are you sure this is the right building for you?” on a regular basis. I don’t get it. It’s not like being black correlates with anything at all when you’re at a ski resort. Anyway, he seemed glad that someone was unsurprised at his color.

Yeah, Mike, as soon as you get him believing that you’re not like the rest of them, you sidle up close and ask him if it’s really true what they say and if it would be okay if you took a little peek. Guaranteed he runs out of the office, possibly even leaving his bag of stuff for you to pillage.

You need any more help with the black folk, you just let me know pal. Who’s your buddy, right?

:)

Hey, I’ve been in a horror movie. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.[/quote]

Were you children or corn?

A child. Technically, one in Malachi’s gang. My sister actually got to kill someone. :)

Tim, that’s definitely the most I’ve laughed recently at anything on the internet. For whatever that’s worth.

It is only becaue my manager has tasked me with writing a self evaluation before the end of the day. Of course this means I have to post in EE about everything under the sun until about quarter to five, then spend 15 minutes doing the dirty deed.

I wish I could get Doug Erickson to write mine for me!

At my job I have more of a problem with old men coming up to me and saying “I get so happy when I see a SWEDE doing this job.” And getting flyers from our not-at-all-nazis-honestly-party.
Of course, that’s not quite as annoying as having to remove an ungodly amount of stickers put up by racist assholes.

It is only becaue my manager has tasked me with writing a self evaluation before the end of the day. Of course this means I have to post in EE about everything under the sun until about quarter to five, then spend 15 minutes doing the dirty deed.

I wish I could get Doug Erickson to write mine for me![/quote]
Coincidences abound! I was stuck here waiting for the gas guy, and looked what happened.

(BTW LOLZERS @ Hajji!)

I had to do a double-take; I read 737. That would be much more interesting. How you’d fit it under the counter is beyond me, though.

I had to do a double-take; I read 737. That would be much more interesting. How you’d fit it under the counter is beyond me, though.[/quote]

He’d keep it in his pants, of course. Didn’t you know that Elhaaj brings the thick inches?

Wrong forum, ass. :wink: