Baghdad – U.S. President George W. Bush leveled up today after defeating level-boss Saddam Hussein in the 3rd dungeon of the Iraqi Republican Palace. Bush, who obtained the rank of a 27th level Barbarian, used two flails inset with Flawless Sapphires to inflict 6-10 points of cold damage per strike on Saddam, who was immune to poison.
Bush earned 5 stat points for his victory and distributed them as follows: 3 Strength, 1 Vitality, and 1 Energy. Congressional Democrats congratulated the President, but suggested that after recent diplomatic squabbles with France and Russia, the points might have been better applied to his Dexterity rating. Additionally Bush used his skill bonus to add a 4th level of expertise to his Iron Skin ability.
Bush, busy teleporting back and forth to Lut Gholein to sell off Saddam’s loot drop, expressed satisfaction with the victory but indicated a measure of disappointment at the lack of useful weapons left behind after the final confrontation. “I was really hoping to get a battle ax inflicting 75 poison over 5 seconds,” Bush sighed, “since we know that’s the weapon he used on the Kurds in 1988. It’s frustrating to see the drop and it’s just a bunch of minor healing potions, leather armor, and a cracked sabre. This was a tough fight and I was hoping to pick up something decidedly better.”
Bush noted that he still believes Saddam left weapons of mass destruction concealed elsewhere in the Palace, and hopes that Saddam’s remaining Vampire Lords might lead him to this weapons cache. “It’s not a treasure hunt,” Bush said. “These dungeon creatures are going to have to participate and help us uncover Saddam’s real weapons stockpile.” Bush added that he expects these weapons to be found in a chest with a blue light emanating from it. “That’s just the way it works,” he said.
While preparations for a victory parade are underway, some cautioned against undue optimism. Secretary of State Colin Powell, in between identifying items for Bush in Lut Gholein, admitted that even though Bush had succeeded in destroying Saddam, the fight was not yet over. “Saddam kept Osama Bin Laden’s spirit trapped in a soulstone in the depths of Tikrit, and while Bush was busy defeating Saddam, his henchmen escaped to the land of Syria with this soulstone, where they hope to take it to the Forge of Damascus and unlock its power of True Evil, unleashing the demons of hell once and for all on this earth.” Bush will have to pursue the soulstone to Damascus, Powell warned. “Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is preparing to open one of those red portals that will take Bush straight to Damascus,” the Secretary of State confided. “From there it’s a whole new act.”
Bush, traveling with his bow-toting sidekick Condoleeza Rice, a level 19 Amazon, expressed confidence in his ability to triumph. “The Bad Guys can keep running away, but I’m just going to keep leveling up and coming after them. We must stand together to see that the forces of light free this land from evil once and for all,” he said, before teleporting back to the Republican Palace to pick up the last few healing potions left from the recent fight.