I’m sorry to ask this question here, but I trust my fellow gamers to help me out here…
Well, my parents were out of town this weekend and my girlfriend and I sort of got in the hot tub and things got hot and we just sort of did it, you know. It was hot, man, but now I’ve got a problem…
How do you get the sperm out of the hot tub afterwards?
Sorry to be so up front about this question, but my parents are coming back and they love nothing better than to sink into the hot tub after a long road trip. This has got me totally freaked out.
My girlfriend said to just go ahead and leave it, that the chlorine would take care of it, but I’m kind of afraid that if things went wrong that my mom could get pregnant. That would be wrong, dude… I can’t tell you how fucking wrong!
So, please, dudes, help me out here. What do you use to get the jizz out of the jacuzzi? A leaf net? I’m fucking goin’ nuts here tryin’ to figure out how I’m going to explain this if I can’t get the ball juice.
Ummm…I’m not expert, and I certainly feel for you situation, but I wouldn’t be too worried about getting your mom pregnant. I don’t think the sperm will survive for long in a hot tub. In ideal conditions, sperm has a lifespan of about 72 hours. In a hot tub, I’d expect that to be way less. So, don’t sweat that part. Seriously, don’t sweat that part.
I really don’t know what to do to “get rid of it”, though, so you may just have to be prepared to 'fess up.
Crank up the heat and cook it off?
Draw a picture of an unfertilized egg and set it next to the Spas and watch the poor little bastards as they jump out of the water one-by-one, and onto the picture?
You can’t just drain the spas, clean it and fill it back up?
For a long time, my mom has told me that I was born of a besmirched bathtub. However, my sister apparently came from the lower ring - at least that’s what I tell her.
If there’s any sort of chemicals in that water at all, then the little wigglies were deader than fuck the instant they hit it. The BIG question here is - WHY THE FUCK WEREN’T YOU WEARING A CONDOM… DADDY? Please name the child Chet or Erik - if it’s a girl, Sparky.
Now, that’s not a real “incident” in my opinion. A “real” incident would be like what I had several years ago. I was 18, just got home from Basic Training, and my highschool girlfriend decided to give it up. She had previously told me she wasn’t a virgin. She lied. Now, I’ve got my mom’s car and a big puddle of blood in the seat. Nah, she won’t notice THAT will she? So, I stop down at the carwash and try to do something with it in the middle of the night - which is the cue for the town cop to pull over and say “Hey, what’s up? How’s your mom? WHAT THE HELL DIED IN YOUR MOM’S CAR?!”
That, sir, is a situation. Also, figure into this that my mom was DATING said cop at the time. Now you have hilarity.
That is funny-but I believe that you stole that story from an episode of ‘Who’s the Boss?’,except it was the old lady who was somehow supposed to be so hot that lost her virginity in Tony’s car and made the mess.Boy,was Tony pissed!
Once sperm comes in contact with oxygen it no longer lives as it does internally. That’s why if you jack on your girls face it doesn’t “swim” up to her hair. It’s dead!
This is an Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex moment. Imagine the little sperms.
“What? He’s in a hot tub? It’s not enough now we have to swim up the birth canal? Now we have to backstroke through 500 gallons of water? Maybe the sperm of Mark Spitz could do this, but last I looked the only medal this guy has is for masturbating the most times to the same issue of Cosmopolitan – I lost a lot of close relatives to that issue. Uh, you guys go without me. I left my speedos in the locker. Ew, it’s so murky out there – don’t they ever change the water? I could get a disease. I’ll probably impregnate a frog by mistake. Is now the wrong time to admit that I flunked sperm swimming class? Does anyone have a pair of water wings I could borrow?”
I got the visible strands of sperm out with a spaghetti strainer, which I hid under my bed because we’re out of detergent.
Mom and dad get home, and everything seems cool for awhile. Then what happens but they call me into the living room. At this point I’m seriously sweating. Mom puts a video tape in the VCR and there up on the screen is me and my girl on video, going at it buck naked on the sofa (we started there, then went to the tub). Turns out they have one of those fucking “nanny cam things?” So what do we spend the next five minutes doing but watching this fucking video in silence. Then I got sent to my room, and haven’t heard what the hell they’re thinking about all of this yet. I haven’t gotten out of my room yet, as I don’t want to face the parents and hear what they have to say about all of this.
I guess I should have known they would have been suspicious about the skidmarks on their leather sofa, but what a bunch of fucking assholes these parents think they are. shit… My girlfriend probably thinks I’m a pussy now.
Good Lord, kid! That’s quite a weekend you had. Do you mind if I jot some of this down? I’m writing the screenplay for American Pie 3, and there’s some good stuff here.
Here’s what I’ve got:
You’re mother is approaching the door to your room, where you just finished having sex with Stiffler’s mom. When you hear her knock on the knock on the door, you launch Stiffler’s mom out the window, and you hide in the closet. Getting no answer, she opens your door and begins snooping through your room (as all mothers do). Looking under your bed for girlie magazines, she finds the “semenized” strainer. She grabs it and leaves wondering how it got under there. Cut to next scene:
“IT’S SPAGHETTI NIGHT!”
In the scene after that, you find yourself superglued to Shannon Elizabeth, and you live happily ever after (although she doesn’t).
