Evil Dead 4

Speaking of remakes, and I’m torn as to whether this needs to be its own thread, because the amount of vitriol and hatred that I’m barely containing right now would crash the internet all by itself, but here it goes:

Some Fucking Stripper Who Wrote One Movie Anybody Liked and One Movie Everybody Hated Is Pissing Directly into the Eye Sockets of One of Your Favorite Movies

I probably shouldn’t be quite so hateful towards the prospect, but I just really, really, totally, completely loathe the dialog in Juno with a sort of all-consuming passion that defines me as a person. Sam and Bruce are still producing, and some dude that made a short that Sam likes will be directing.

I didn’t hate Jennifer’s Body, so feel free to think of it as almost everybody.

And while I’m at it, if you’re gonna remake any of the Evil Dead series, the first one is the way to go. Evil Dead tonally is way off from II and Army, so I assume the idea is to remake it to bring it more in line with where the series went.

And seeing as both Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi are involved, I’m not sure how that translates into “pissing directly into eye sockets”. Obviously they think she’s a good pick, right?

Why is Raimi cool with this? Why?

WHY!!???

Brian, you should actually see Jennifer’s Body before you write off Diablo Cody. Juno is awfully twee, but there’s some really good craft there. And you can see signs of it in Jennifer’s Body. For instance, any movie that names its protagonist “Needy” is walking a thin line. But bless its heart for trying. And I loved this exchange between two insubstantial kid characters:

PROTAGONIST WHO KNOWS JENNIFER IS A DEMON, TRYING TO CONVINCE INEFFECTUAL MALE CHARACTER: Jennifer is evil!

INEFFECTUAL MALE CHARACTER: I know.

PROTAGONIST WHO KNOWS JENNIFER IS A DEMON, TRYING TO CONVINCE INEFFECTUAL MALE CHARACTER: No, I mean she’s evil. Not “high school” evil.

Besides, after all the goofing around Raimi did in Army of Darkness, which was more Three Stooges than horror, I’m happy to see the franchise turned over to someone else.

-Tom

Why is the fact that she was a stripper even relevant? Stay classy, Brian.

And after Drag Me To Hell, it’s been demonstrated to my satisfaction that Raimi can’t actually return to the franchise himself. Others disagree, which baffles me, but I’m at peace with that.

Ideally, of course, it would still be Evil Dead 4, with the original Rip Van NOOOOOOO! ending where Ash overslept, and have an aged Ash hilariously misleading and mismanaging a ragtag group of post-apocalyptic survivors in a bombed-out husk of an S-Mart turned fortress, trying to survive against new Deadites with cybernetics and mechs built out of rusted iron, bone, and with ludicrous gallons of blood instead of hydraulic fluid.

I am, of course, being a touch over-dramatic about the whole thing. She’s only doing rewrites and touchups, and if they’re remaking the first film (which the second film really felt like it was already trying to do, so I’m putting them on three at this point), it’s not like there’s a whole lot she can do even if she is as awful in practice as she is in my imagination, since The United States of Tara is apparently a success. So, yeah, it’ll probably be okay, but it’s less fun to report things as though they’re not trying to murder you.

I stand by the stripper line, though, because her entire career seems to be founded on the year she spent in “the flesh trade” or whatever it is her Wikipedia entry says, and it’s also basically the only thing I remember about her when I think of her as a human being, usually immediately followed by “Really?” I might also be getting no small amount of hate for her by proxy through Ralph Garman, because she is apparently good friends with Chelsea Handler, and, well, you know how Ralph feels.

How is her career “founded on the year she spent in the flesh trade”? Juno’s not about that, Jennifer’s Body isn’t about that, and from what I understand The United States Of Tara isn’t about that. Here’s an idea: Why don’t you criticize her actual work, instead of criticizing what you think her work is?

I don’t blame you for the stripper mention. When Juno was the media darling, Diablo Cody’s stripper past was always noted as part of the breathless fawning. They purposely made a big deal over it.

So how about blaming the media, then, instead of calling her “some fucking stripper”? Is Brian gonna dismiss Sam Peckinpah because he was a “fucking lumberjack” before he directed movies?

QFMFT.

Fucking lumberjacks always think they’re okay.

Sam Peckinpah had more directing chops than the average lumberjack, but I’m not convinced Diablo Cody is a better screenwriter than the average stripper.

Oh for chrissakes relax your damn anus. It’s a joke, intended to playfully imply that her actual writing talent is, in fact, secondary to her ever actually getting a job, which only happened after she started her column about being a stripper, which is the only thing anybody ever mentioned about her. I apologize profusely for any offense that I may have caused and throw myself upon the mercy of your forgiveness.

And, for the record, I would make that joke about Sam Peckinpah if he tried to remake one of my favorite movies, particularly if I could find a brief animated clip of the wood court from the episode of Aqua Teen I watched last night.

I’m pretty sure she made a big deal of it herself, I mean she only wrote a memoir about it.

Blame the media? By “media” I assume you mean Diablo Cody herself? She’s the one that literally started her career by writing a blog and a tell-all book about her stipper days. She’s the one that talks about how her stripping helped her become a better writer.

I know you guys want to get all chivalrous here, but Diablo Cody is quite proud of her time in the adult business. (She also worked in an sex novelty store.) She might object to the “fucking stripper” but she certainly wouldn’t mind the “stripper” part.

As for Peckinpah, I don’t think he ever wrote a memoir specifically about being a lumberjack.

I didn’t know that she made that specific claim. If that’s the case, and stripping really does make you a better writer, I’m going to amend my above post and say that it’s very likely that she’s actually a far worse screenwriter than the average stripper.

Considering she won an Oscar for writing, maybe she’s right. But I guess “some fucking Oscar winner” doesn’t have the same kick.

Come on, really?

My guess is that much of the hate directed towards Diablo Cody (I much prefer the nickname “Babbling Brooke”) is actually misdirected hate at the Academy, for awarding the Best Writing Oscar to something as annoyingly self-indulgent and faux-hipster as Juno.

I’ve watched a few episodes of United States of Tara, and while it didn’t really grab me, I also didn’t see any of the trying-too-hard-to-be-quirky stylings that Juno contained. So I’m willing to write off Juno as a first try from a writer who is very willing to learn and change and get better and try other things.

She’s not a hack.

Juno is a mess, though. My favourite bad line is the one where Juno refers to herself as a “freaky girl with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup” What is this, Mary Sue highschool fanfiction? Who exactly are you referring to there, Diablo? Ellen Page? Maybe the costume and makeup people forgot to read that line?