Forget Riddles... Jokes!

[edit=here’s all of them, from some blog]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife’s house.’
The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.’

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

John Many Jars is th3 winnar!

-How many Marines does it take to change a lightbulb?

  1. One to hold the lightbulb, 50 to rotate the house.

Penis walks into a bar and sees a vagina sitting at the counter. The penis walks up and says “Come here often?”

That would make a truly excellent Andy Kaufman-style standup routine.

A buddhist monk walks up to a New York Hot Dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Rene Descartes walks into a McDonald’s and orders a Big Mac. The cashier asks him if he’d like fries with it and after a moment Rene replies, “I think not.” He immediately disappears in a puff of smoke.

Two Labrador retrievers and a Great Dane are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation.

The Great Dane turns to the brown Lab and says, “So why are you here?”
The brown lab replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the
drapes, the cat, and the kids.
But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my
owner’s bed.”

The Great Dane says, “So what is the vet going to do?”

“Gonna give me Prozac,” came the reply from the brown lab. “All the vets are
prescribing it. It works for everything.”

The Great Dane then turns to the yellow lab and asks, ‘So why are you here?’

The yellow lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it.
When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night
when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you?” asks the Great Dane.

“Looks like Prozac for me too,” the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to The Great Dane and asks what he’s at the vet’s
office for.

“I’m a humper,” The Great Dane says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, car exhausts, whatever!
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself, I hopped on her back and
humped her silly.”

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, “So, Prozac for you
too, huh?”

The Great Dane says, “No, I’m just here to get my nails clipped.”

I vaugely seem to remember that there’s a term for things that initially sound like jokes, but they’re really just non-sequiturs.

  • Alan

Something Awful?

Shaggy dog stories?

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to do it, and twenty to sit around muttering “Pfft… I can do that.”

SA is the origin of those, funnily enough, from the “realistic jokes” thread.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. A couple of hours later, they emerge with a greater understanding of one anothers’ cultures and the beginnings of a lifelong friendship.

Those realistic jokes are awesome. I’ve had a running gag with some friends from, gosh, fifteen years ago?, for existential knock knock jokes. They go something like this:

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: It’s me. Hey, what are you doing?
A: Not much, just hanging out. I was going to watch TV. Come on in.
Q: Hey, you got a new couch.
A: Naw, I’ve had that for a while, it was just in the other room. You want something to drink?
Q: What do you have?
A: Um, cokes, there’s just one beer left. You can have it if you want.

Etc., etc.

-Tom

In Irishman walks by a bar.

IT COULD HAPPEN.

This one sounds better if you say it out loud, I suppose.

There’s a lady being rung up by the cashier at a grocery store, when she notices how sexy the grocery bagger is. He asks her if she needs help taking her groceries out to the car. She says yes.

As they’re walking out to the car, she she puts her arm around him and whispers in his ear, “I’ve got an itchy pussy!”

He looks at her strangely and answers, “you’ll have to point it out to me, all these Japanese cars look the same!”

What’s yellow and swings through the cake shop?

Tarzipan.

I’ll get my coat.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick!

hyuk hyuk hyuk

OK. Make up jokes. No cheating, we all have Google!

What do you call a tiny little bearded blue guy drunk in the gutter.

Papa Smirnoff.

What do you say to a fat woman jogging down the street?

Keep on jogging.