From the TSA

Everything else
1

From The Transportation Security Administration

Here is the list of what you CAN and CANNOT bring aboard an airplane as carry-on items.

I will now provide some highlites:

Corkscrews – Yes
Knitting Needles – Yes
Toy Transformer Robots – Yes
Meat Cleavers – No
Ice Axes – No
Scissors (metal, pointed tip, under 4 inches) – Yes
Tools (under 7 inches) – Yes
Screwdriver (under 7 inches) – Yes
Hand Grenades – No
Gel Shoe Inserts – No
Cheez Whiz – No

All items on the above list are genuinely on the list, just as they appear. LOOK for yourself!

Analysis: Why would you need a corkscrew in business class? In first-class they open the champaigne for you. Knitting needles I can think of a few ways these are worse than any 9/11 boxcutter. Praise the lord that Optimus Prime is allowed on the plane. They really should specify that Autobots are allowed, Decepticons NOT - because Megatron supports the Taliban. Ice axes really should be allowed… I saw “Alive”, didn’t you? I can think of about 10 ways to kill you with a 7 inch phillips screwdriver, and that’s without trying really hard.

Cheez Whiz is far more unhealthy than we thought. What is the government hiding? Obviously they know something about Cheez Whiz that we DO NOT. I smell conspiracy!

2

The TSA is fucking retarded. No Gel Shoe inserts but you can bring that other shit?

3

There’s a law about not bringing hand grenades on a plane? I didn’t realize that was a common item people tend to bring along on trips. Well, that and the meat cleaver - cause you know - everyone likes to butcher their own food when they travel.

4

KY and/or spermicide Jelly – Yes (even over 3oz)

… just to help you pack.

5

Hahah my favorite is:

Sabers - No

6

Light sabers?

7

I think they mean Cavalry Sabers, but they don’t specify, so probably both.

8

Great! Just hide a glob of Cheez Whiz in your 15 oz. tub of KY Jelly, pack some melba toast, and you’re all set.

9

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. Four-inch scissors are OK? Do they not realize that scissors are just two knives with a hinge? And what qualifies as a “tool?” Small blowtorch? Dremel tool?

H.

10

Sure, but what are you going to do with a knife on a plane? It won’t help you get in the cockpit. If you just wanted to start stabbing people, you could do that anywhere. Come on, let’s not be a bunch of wusses.

11

They could also mean the Buffalo Sabres, which is sort of going to suck for away games.

My favorite is:

“Hand Grenades: no”

I’m glad they cleared that up for us.

12

Plastic explosives… No.

13

True the knife wont help you but I bet all your tools under 7 inches will!

14

Have I ever told you guys my gurka knife security at the airport story?

15

Geez Louise, did these guys not see The Big O? DON’T TRUST THE LITTLE METAL MEN, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.

16

No argument there, but relative to gel inserts? Or Cheez Whiz? I would think scissors would be a larger threat.

H.

17

nope.

18

Ok, so in Feb. 2001 I went to Nepal and as a souvenier (one of the very few), I bought two gurkha knifes. They look like this:

gurkhaknife.jpg700×369

About, oh a foot long (just the blade is a foot long). So it’s August 2001 and I’m bringing one of them home to my parent’s place. My Mom was a teacher at the time and asked me to do a quick show and tell about my trip. Anyway, I never check baggage when flying and just had the thing in my carry on. I guess I forgot it was in there when I went through security.

So I hop through the metal detector and they are waiting for me, two security guard on the other side. They ask me:

“Sir, is there anything in your bag we should know about?”

Me, being the big dumb idiot I am, fake a British accent and mockingly say “I don’t think so there, gub’ner!”

“Mind if we check your bag?”

Sure, I reply. They take me over to the little desks they check bags on. Then two Maryland state police troopers start following us. Then two more. So now it’s 4 real cops, 2 airport cops, and me totally oblivious. I mean, I noticed them but I thought maybe they were headed somewhere else until they followed us. Then I start worrying. Then I start thinking. Then I got serious, but not too serious. In earnest, I’d call it.

Right as the woman is pulling out the knife (in scabbard), I remember its in there.

“Oh, that!” I say. “I forgot that was in there.”

“Sir, why do you have this.”

“I’m going home for a trip to my parents and I just got back from … blah blah” I told them the truth. “It’s strictly ceremonial”, I lied. I had cut many many branches off trees with it in Nepal.

“Sir, you’re going to have to check this.”.

Two officers followed me back to the check in desk and we put it in a box and I checked it on the flight. Then they gave me a warning and let me go catch my flight.

Yeah, that was before Sept 11 and before the TSA.

19

I don’t know that it’s Cheez Whiz per se, it’s a ban on things in popellant-based spray cans and a ban on foodstuffs in jars (also includes peanut butter, jelly, etc.).

Makes for an OK soundbite, but the reasons behind both bans (especially spray cans) are understandable.

20

I guess it’s not peanut-butter-jelly-time. :(