Funniest Joke Ever

Unfortunately, all I can remember of it is the punchline. Feel free to have a stab at providing the preceding exposition yourselves.

“No you idiot, I said ping-pong balls, not King Kong’s balls!”

Worst. Setup. EVAR.
Second of all it’s rim shot not drum roll. Drum Rolls take place before an event.
Funniest joke I’ve heard lately:

An elderly couple were having dinner with the neighbors. After dinner the wives clear the table and go into the kitchen.
While they’re in the kitchen the elderly man says to his neighbor ‘You know the wife and I went to a very elegant restaurant the other night and had the best dinner I’ve ever eaten.’
The neighbor says ‘Where did you go?’
‘Oohhh,’ Replies the elderly man. ‘what’s the name of that flower you give your sweetheart?’
‘A corsage?’
‘Nono, it’s real pretty and red.’
‘A carnation?’
‘Nono that’s not it, this one has thorns and smells really pretty.’
‘Oh I know:’ exclaims the neighbor. ‘A rose!’
‘That’s it!’ says the elderly man turning toward the kitchen. ‘Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?’

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.

The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him
Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, “But they are twins.
If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

A very rich maharajah decided to give his daughter and his
kingdom to the guy who would bring to him the most precious
ping-pong balls. Indeed, some days later a guy brings a pair
of golden balls, while another brought a pair of diamond ones
and a third brought a ping-pong ball made of a very rare
mineral found only in a remote part of the Amazon jungle. The
maharajah was ready to issue his decision, when suddenly a
beat-up guy holding a pair of watermellon-shaped black
things, shows up screaming “hold it, I brought them”… The
maharajah says “But, these are not ping-pong balls”. Then the
guy, startled, says:“Ping Pong balls? Shit…I heard King Kong’s balls”

Eh. But I’ve got a better one.

Little Johnny is in the first grade, and his teacher is teaching the class about Aesop’s Fables. Their homework is to go home and get their parents to teach them a story with a moral.

The next day, Little Johnny stands in front of the class, and tells the following story:

“My mom said that my dad fought in Vietnam. He was a pilot, and one day, his plane got shot down. He bailed out, and opened his chute, and he realized that he had only a flask of whisky, his machete, and his pistol. He drank the whiskey on the way down, hoping it would give him the strength to get back to friendly territory. He landed in a clearing, surrounded by 100 enemy soldiers. He used his pistol to kill the first 50, emptying clip after clip until he was out of ammunition. Then he used his machete to kill another 25 men, but then the blade snapped in two, so he killed the last 25 with his bare hands.”

The teacher was horrified, and asked, “What could possibly be the moral of that horrible story?”

“Don’t fuck with my dad when he’s been drinking.”

One day, after years of hard work at a major bank, Patty Hack was promoted to loan officer, she would approve or reject every loan application that came into the bank.
The first day of her new position Patty was sitting in her office when a small green frog hopped in, then hopped into the chair across from hers. Since Patty was still very happy about her promotion she decided to humor the frog. She leaned over real close and asked if she could help the frog with anything.
The frog pulled out a small snow globe, pointed it at Patty, and shook it.
Patty was surprised by this sudden movement but caught the name ‘Mick Jagger’ written across the bottom of the snow globe. Well, Patty had a little laugh and started to turn away when the frog repeated the gesture.
Her good mood began to dissipate and she tried to shoo the frog away, but every time she did the frog would just hold up the snow globe, and shake it.
Patty was starting to get frustrated so she called the bank’s manager in. When he got into her office Patty pointed to the frog who repeated the globe shaking.
The manager looked at the frog for a minute, then turned to Patty and said ‘It’s a knick-knack Patty Hack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.’

A nun, a priest, and a rabbi are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat…

Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?”

Rabbi: “Fuck the children.”

Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”

A pious man, recently deceased, is standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting to be welcomed by St. Peter. He notices that the man at the head of the line is the Pope! And sees how the Pope is warmly greeted and shown to his home in heaven, a small modest shack.

The next man in line is unremarkable, and after being welcomed by St. Peter, is shown to a huge luxurious mansion. The pious man is surprised and curious and asks St. Peter “Why did the Pope get such a modest dwelling yet that this other guy got a mansion?” St. Peter replied, “We’ve got lots of Popes. That’s the first lawyer who has ever made it up here.”

Now, why did I just know we would get a lawyer joke in there? At least it was a good one.

OK, so when the ship sank, why did the sharks eat everyone except the lawyer? Professional courtesy.

Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think the second would have noticed!

Joke 1)

What’s the best part about eating a bald pussy?

Slipping off the diaper! :shock:

Joke 2)

What does Kmart and Priest have in common?

Boys pants, half off! :D

One of my personal favorites:

Q. What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A. Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

David leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

The real best joke ever:

What do you call a mailman who loses his job?

Just some dude.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were hunting in the swamp. Boudreaux says “Man, Tib, I gotta poop real bad, but I forgot the paper.” Thibodeaux said, “Well, just do what I do. Use a dollar.” Boudreaux walks off behind a cypress tree for 30 minutes. When he comes back, his hands are covered in feces. Thibodeaux said “What took you so long? Didn’t you use a dollar like I told you?” Boudreaux said “Have you ever tried to wipe your butt with 3 quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?”

A couple of years ago, some British scientists sought to discover what was, scientifically speaking, the world’s funniest joke. You can read their findings here. I am not making this up.

FTR, the winning joke was this:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

The moral of the story? British scientists don’t know from funny.

Easily offended please stop reading:

Did you hear about the thalidomide Iraqi?
He was arrested at the border for importing small arms.

Apologies

World’s Best Greek Bus Driver Joke:

Two babies are born on the same day in a small Greek Village and are christened Stavros and Theo, they grow up together, go to school together and when they leave school, Theo becomes the village priest and Stavros becomes the local bus driver. As fate would have it, after a long life, they both die on the same day and approach the Pearly Gates togehter where, as is normal in these jokes, they approach St. Peter. Stavros approaches first

‘Hello, Stavros’ says St. Peter ‘In you go’.

Theo moves forward,

‘Sorry Theo’, says St. Peter ‘You’re not on the list’

‘But I don’t understand,’ replies Theo, ‘I was a priest, I served the Lord all my life. Stavros was just a bus driver and you let him in!’

‘Quite. You were a priest and every Sunday you preached the same sermon and every Sunday the entire congregation fell asleep. Every day Stavros drove his bus and every day his passengers were praying fervently to the Lord.’

Q: What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?

A: An erection.

Reminded me of this one,

‘When I die I hope I go quietly in my sleep like my grandfather. Gotta be better than going out kicking and screaming like his passengers.’