Games Journalism 2011: It Sunk Lower

[liminal]

NeoGAF gets annoyed at a measy 8/10 review of uncharted 3.

Fanboy frothing isn’t unusual online, but it’s rare to see such a nicely collated list of examples from a forum I thought was one of the more sensible ones around.

Hereis the movie trailer version of a Jon Rowe dramatic reading of NeoGAF’s latest litany of ineptitude. The use of the word “journalism” when referring to a review is part of the joke. Right? Isn’t it!? I hope so.

[PeterGinsberg]

I’d generally try to avoid picking on weird personal game review sites, but this review is a bit too fitting for this thread:

Dark Souls Review: The Failure Of Game Design

I dare you to try to parse this sentence:

Dark Souls sadly can be perceived as a game with too much to offer in its simplistically designed extreme difficulty, but the fact is in terms of any realistic elements both RPG and even action adventure, there is a translucent disregard for detail in gameplay design coherence and the deadly caustic combat button-mashing system which creates a flawed combat experience against bosses and enemies alike.

Also fun to note that the one guy who runs this site lists random fake people around the world which were involved in writing his incoherent reviews.

[CLWheeljack]

Wow.

Also, “translucent disregard”.

[kerzain]

I’d generally try to avoid picking on weird personal game review sites, but this review is a bit too fitting for this thread:
http://whatifgaming.com/dark-souls-review-the-failure-of-game-design

I dare you to try to parse this sentence:

Dark Souls sadly can be perceived as a game with too much to offer in its simplistically designed extreme difficulty, but the fact is in terms of any realistic elements both RPG and even action adventure, there is a translucent disregard for detail in gameplay design coherence and the deadly caustic combat button-mashing system which creates a flawed combat experience against bosses and enemies alike.

Dark Souls, sadly, can be perceived as a game with too much to offer in its simplistically designed extreme difficulty. But, the fact is (in terms of any realistic elements), both RPG and (even) action adventure, there is a translucent disregard for detail in gameplay, design, coherence, and the deadly caustic combat button-mashing system which creates a flawed combat experience against bosses and enemies alike.

[PeterGinsberg]

A noble effort kerzain, but your commas aren’t going to save “translucent disregard” and “deadly caustic combat button-mashing”. And that’s not even getting to the content of what he’s trying to say! You can call Dark Souls a lot of things, but it is objectively not a button masher.

[Foxstab]

I dare you to try to parse this sentence:

Even I am stumped.

I’d try “gameplay: design coherence”, parenthesis included.
However, it is an unavoidable problem that his run-away sentence is a complete grammatical nightmare and should not even exist in its present form. (I’m too tired to even try, so add some translucent shit to make my pathetic sentence even more troublesome of a satire).

[kerzain]

A noble effort kerzain, but your commas aren’t going to save “translucent disregard” and “deadly caustic combat button-mashing”. And that’s not even getting to the content of what he’s trying to say! You can call Dark Souls a lot of things, but it is objectively not a button masher.

Commas, can fix anything.

[Brian_Seiler]

I criminally use too many words as a way of life, and that excerpt hurts even me. Also, what writing class taught this guy to use this many adjectives without forcibly conditioning him not to both use an adverb (never, never, never use adverbs, ever), in an adjectival clause, no less, AND phrase the entire sentence in, like, infinitely recursive passive voice?

[divedivedive]

Commas, can fix anything.

Verily, commas are the donuts of the writing profession.

[Foxstab]

I criminally use too many words as a way of life, and that excerpt hurts even me. Also, what writing class taught this guy to use this many adjectives without forcibly conditioning him not to both use an adverb (never, never, never use adverbs, ever), in an adjectival clause, no less, AND phrase the entire sentence in, like, infinitely recursive passive voice?

Same here. And he’s not even using the right ones!
I mean, seriously now!

there is a translucent disregard

Why not “blatant disregard” as is the norm?
Or perhaps even “obvious disregard”?
Heck, if you’re so hang on that particular matter phase then perhaps “transparent disregard”?
Why must he make use of “translucent” out of all manner of possibilities?

He’s insane, I tell you! INSANE!

[Anaxagoras]

Commas, can fix anything.

They, are a powerful tool friend. Much, like a firearm, they can be a great help or they, can destroy that which they were, meant to save. Use them, with care.

[sinnick]

Why not “blatant disregard” as is the norm?
Or perhaps even “obvious disregard”?
Heck, if you’re so hang on that particular matter phase then perhaps “transparent disregard”?
Why must he make use of “translucent” out of all manner of possibilities?

Because it’s not quite transparent.

[CLWheeljack]

hase then perhaps “transparent disregard”?
Why must he make use of “translucent” out of all manner of possibilities?

That’s pretty easy, actually. He either thinks translucent means the same thing as transparent, or that it means “almost transparent, but not quite”.

[Foxstab]

They, are a powerful tool friend. Much, like a firearm, they can be a great help or they, can destroy that which they were, meant to save. Use them, with care.

That was more of a Shatner-syndrom than abuse of commas, honestly.

[sinnick]

How about this quote:

Darks Souls is undoubtedly a sadistic representation of a game title that is more intentional in its ethos of difficulty in making it the game it is where suffering plays a thematic element throughout gameplay.

[Foxstab]

Re-phrasing it is taking an easy way out. We don’t opt out of challenges and hardships here, young man!

[sinnick]

So, poking around the site a little more, I think English must be that guy’s second language. And I don’t mean that mockingly – I think he’s probably a dude who genuinely wants to write some stuff, but doesn’t have a grasp on the language. Okay, he should learn, but I’m not going to make quite as much fun of him for that.

I mean, at least he has a sense of humour:

It is with pleasure that we provide the millions of anticipated readers what they have been waiting for since the dawn of 2011: the video game industry’s most exceptional and gratified WhatIfGaming 2011 Game Of The Year Awards ceremony, presenting its official Game Of The Year awards before anyone else with a collective decision from industry experts and WhatIfGaming editors worldwide through its defined rigorous selection process which focuses on industry and developer recognition.

Also this:

The highway of our heart never ceases to the speed limit.

[kerzain]

I just realized that review is the product of a team effort.

Stream-of-consciousness might work for William Falkner, but Stuart Blair and Usman Ihtsham have a ways to go before proving they’re capable of using it well for gaming journalism.

[Foxstab]

Also this:

I think something just died inside of me.
I think it was the colon.

[divedivedive]

I think something just died inside of me.
I think it was the colon.

OK now that’s pretty funny. I totally COL’ed (chuckled out loud).