Gaming "marketing speak" (attempted humor) :)

I’ve had this list in my head for a while. I bought a couple bargain games today, and it had one of these on the box, so it got me working on my list finally. You only have to look at a pile of game boxes or read some promotional material to find these gold nuggets… :)

“Game Experience May Change During Online Play”

really means
“It’s great offline! Online, it SUCKS like a Hoover!”

“Features over 1,000 unique and legendary items!”
really means
“At least 12 of them you’ll actually WANT to use!”

"From the Creators of —INSERT FAMOUS GAME NAME HERE–!"
really means
“The dev team added the third cousin of the assistant to the User Interface programmer of Said Famous Game” [I think about 5 games were from “the makers of Diablo,” though it’s funny you didn’t see their names prominently in Diablo’s credits]

“Innovative, dynamic, thinking AI!”
really means
“The AI won’t notice you when you’re 5 feet away blasting around the corner; however, it will rub its chin thoughtfully in the process. It might even polish its gun!”

really means
“5 million of you goobs out there bought World of Warcraft so maybe the magic will rub off on our game if we mention it!”

“Best --INSERT GENRE NAME HERE-- Game at E3 Show --INSERT E3 YEAR HERE–” [yeah I know, not anymore! :)]
really means
“Our non-interactive game nobody could actually play at E3 had shinier movies and videos than anyone else’s!!!”

“We’ll release the game when it’s done.”
really means
“Then, our customers can commence unpaid beta testing for us!”

“The additional time before release will give --INSERT DEV Co. NAME HERE-- time to deliver a game with the features, gameplay and polish our customers expect.”
really means
“This will give us as publishers more time to make them work overtime, prepare patches and then we can fire them after we release the game! Bahahaha!”

BLURB: “–INSERT GAME NAME-- offers a nonlinear campaign … with no end of things to do. Players will have … many choices. Brings a … different … take on the genre.”
really means
“There’s no point, it goes on forever, it’s boring and uniquely miserable for its genre.”

“Intuitive, easy to use interface!”
really means
“Well, it DOES have an interface! That much is true…”

BLURB #2: “Quite possibly… the BEST game of its type!”
really means
“It’s the only game of its type.”

I thought this was for the ratings basically because people will swear and say all kinds of things online that the age rating doesn’t account for. Kinda like a legal disclaimer.

Myself I prefer the marketing speak video manufacturers do such as:
SE or Special Edition
really means
Less features/slower performance edition or special in the same way the special olympics are special.

Turbocache or Hypermemory.
really means
video card uses system memory for video ram which is slower than if it had its own and its taking some of your system memory.

You’re probably right. I never noticed that its stamped right below the Rating on the box. :) Ah well, I read it my way, because I never saw the warning until after a few games got bad publicity for being a mess online while playing fine offline.

One of my favorite box blurbs (in terms of blandness and attempted honesty) was for the naval strategy game Corsairs. If I remember correctly, it read something like, “If you enjoyed Pirates!, you will find Corsairs interesting.”

It reminded me of some of the fake covers they have in Asia for pirated DVDs. These usually take review quotes -any quotes they can find- about the movies and slap them onto some easily-sourced PR photos or artwork. Which leads me to what I one saw on a pirated copy of The Manchurian Candidate: Big white letters over a closeup of Denzel’s face proclaiming, “…A SERVICEABLE THRILLER”.


“YOU and up to 5,000 of your closest ONLINE friends must challenge the dark Instances of Daggeroth! (and only ONE epic item EVER drops!)”

“500 Mega-Boss battles, 1200 Sub-Boss battles and over 1 million mobs using “smart-challenge” colors so you know exactly what you can handle!”

“800 million Zones of uncanny intensity!”

“2394 Classes with innovative cross class/race/dress/sexual orientation options!”

“40,000 super unique races never seen before!”

“1 trillion swords and million (or so) other items of majestic might!”

“Economically sound Mango currency system!”

"Enslave Nations with Necromancy! Defeat a myriad of Ancient Evil™! Discover a long forgotten Artifact of immense power! All and more are possible in “The World of Daggeroth!”