I can’t believe it actually happened :/. I’m so sorry for her, yourself and your family.
My condolences, @Tyjenks. I lost my mom to cancer when I was older than your kids, but even so I can say that the strength and honesty with which my dad, like you, sometimes sheltered us from the pain and fear and struggle of that situation and sometimes shared it with us was a great gift. They are very lucky to have you. Take care, all of you.
I’m sorry Tyjenks. Best wishes to your family.
My condolences to you and your family @Tyjenks. May your wife rest in peace now that she is free of her suffering. Thanks for sharing your burden and experiences with us throughout.
Thanks again to you all. The outpouring here has been mirrored and even eclipsed on Facebook with current, old, college and high school friends on Facebook who have virtually shown up to post memories, loving tributes and pictures. Almost everyone pointed to her joyous spirit, positivity, sense of humor and smile. All of it, including my time here, has helped me, her mom, my kids and our extended friends and family survive the struggle and her passing together.
Whatever I now understand about God can be held true for my wife. Knowing her and being touched by her left you with a part of her that some people have carried for 30+ years. So when you think of her, we can all know that she is still with us in our heads and in our hearts and every single person she touched whether it be directly or indirectly can form a foundation of support and a net to hold each of us up and catch us when we fall.
Ah, Tyjenks. So sorry. Much warmth to you and your family. You’ve got a network of compassion the world over.
I am very sorry for all the suffering your wife and your family have gone through, and for all the happy experiences the cancer has cut off.
I want to think you though for writing about your feelings and experiences. It’s wrenching to read this stuff, let alone experience it, but I think it helps remind me about what’s important, when I get caught up in my day-to-day life.
I’m sitting here trying to hold back my tears @Tyjenks. I don’t think I’ve posted before but I’ve You are an inspiration.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have been reading your posts and admire you for being a great husband and father and also a great writer. Others will be helped by what you wrote.
Thanks Tom and to all of you for your kind words and caring. All things considered, things are good, if that’s the right word. The kids are struggling, but are able to communicate and talk about it. Sometimes they cry and sometimes they are matter of fact about it and we are still joking a lot.
I have had so much time to think about what these days would be like and what I would say because my brain becomes analytical and pragmatic, that I have seemed to know what to say to them, Rebecca’s friends who had not seen her, people who missed one last goodbye and her brother and sister, I am able to tell them things to hopefully lessen their sadness in reminding them of what my wife wanted and how she lived life. Grieving and then moving on and focusing on what life does have to offer… And it feels good. Rather than bitching about my sadness and anger and having to prepare every day for the next day as well as the end and work and take care of kids, it is like I have been grieving and preparing for “The Big Game”. Well the game is here and the stress of getting ready is gone. My wife is at peace. We all get our lives back.
My wife worried about how the three of us would do without her. She did not talk to me about it, but she talked to others. I slowly took over things she did and we survived. I hope I showed to her that, with support of friends and family, we’ll make it. I’ve been able to talk openly and honestly with my girls about all of that. They get it, I believe. They are so much stronger than I imagined.
As far as I am concerned, we’ve been through the hardest days imaginable. We will miss her greatly, but she was always so positive and wanted people to celebrate her life and life in general that I think it will help us move forward.
Her service will be that way. Nothing too preachy or somber, more a sharing of stories. She is donating her body to science and research, so no casket or viewing. Just a joyful service with everyone who shows. Exactly as she wanted. Our local hangout is closed Sunday’s. Friday will be the service and every employee there I am told is attending the Friday memorial and then most will be there for a smaller get together with burgers, hot dogs, wings and beer on Sunday when they are normally closed. They are happy to do it and many of the people there, patrons and employees alike, loved our family and supported me throughout. The owner was on vacation, got word somehow and said give us whatever we want. The outpouring even from there continues to be amazing.
I am not dreading the coming days. I am looking forward to sharing what I loved about her with people who have similar feelings. I told my kids tonight that I know they were concerned about me and my stress. We had talked about it before. Now so much of that worry is gone and they can be my focus. They can bring problems to me that they may have hesitated in addressing. We will make it as their Mom wanted and we are stronger for what we have been through. My wife is the reason for that strength and in that way she will be with us as our journeys continue.
EDIT: I do realize this all may be adrenaline or some sort of euphoric relief and I could be a basket case once all of these tasks at hand are complete, but for now it is how I am surviving and able to function, so I’ll take it.
That is a wonderful post @tyjenks. Your ability to think and write, and act through all of this… it’s indescribable. I wish I had your kind of fortitude and strength. Your children are so very blessed to have you. And the fact you will always have your wife in them has to be a comfort.
Your community that cares and surrounds you so well, shows how wonderful the two of you must have been in person.
This is today’s example of the pot calling the kettle black.
Heh, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen that phrase used in a positive way. Thanks :)
Very sorry for your loss Tyler.
Can you share a link to the service details? Is there a charity or foundation that you and your wife had in mind for “in lieu of flowers”?
Sure and thanks in advance. Here is the link to her obituary her mom wrote. That is certainly unnecessary, but the UAB Cancer center mentioned is who helped us so much in many ways and, while my faith is all jacked up to Jesus at the moment, the church members at South Highland Presbyterian have been tremendously helpful. People she knew loved her so very much and were over here often and she loved them and just liked the socialization and community aspect. Her faith has always been consistent and solid. I do and did envy that.
The service is tomorrow and it will be a Celebration. No casket. No viewing. No graveside. Donating her body as she wanted meant we didn’t even have to think about that. My youngest daughter has instructed “no black is to be worn” as mommy didn’t want that. Then Sunday our local hangout on its closed day will, by all indications, grill and Beer us for free.
The kids remain so very strong and amazing.!
I also realize I have never shared a picture. My wife beat cancer once a decade or so ago and then began running for the first time more seriously and then did several half marathons. I was told by a friend that sat with her while she was recovering from the long bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction surgery that she was laying in the hospital bed and said she wanted to run a half marathon. She thought it was the drugs. :) Below is her picture after the last one two months prior to the re-diagnosis. This was February 2015. She had been in some pain in her back and elsewhere, but it had been almost 9 years so we didn’t think at all about it being the cancer. It mostly likely was the bone mets in her spine.
Now the first picture I had when looking for this was her flipping me off with a smile as she thought she looked horrible. She did not. This was the follow up with her semi-sarcastic pose and the smile most people remember for months and decades after seeing her last.
Thank you all again.
Here is the better one:
I love seeing the pictures. Thank you!
Through Facebook, I have been able to share and see many. I have also been able to semi-eulogize her with individuals in response to their posts and to groups of friends with mine. Many of her friends over the past decades from out of town have recently friended me and plus I always tag her so they can see them. So it has been nice. I feel like I can help them in their grieving as I have been here and been through some of the saying goodbye and grieving over many months. I am more than happy to share and give back to all of these that loved her and helped us in so many ways.
