Hitting my lowest point and I need help

Individual therapy is the best thing for you right now. You need to focus on you, first, second, and third. A quality course of medication may help.

Don’t worry about your wife. Worry about you.

You’re being way too hard on yourself. A marriage requires work from both partners to work.

You may have to come to the grim and sad realization, as I had to, that the woman you once loved… is gone.

Good luck.

Unfortunately this is truth. Some relationships are simply damaged beyond repair. Attempts to salvage them only lead to continued misery for both of you and everyone around you, including the children. I can’t advise you on this. Frankly no one here really can. But if it were me, I believe that separation and therapy is the best ways to go. It’s tough to seperate but in many cases its the only way to truly evaluate the relationship. I am sorry you are going through this but understand that you are not in a unique situation. Many millions of people have been right where you are today.

The one thing I will offer is that moving out is a mistake. You have every right to live there, same as her. If she truly does want to end things, you need to stay there until the divorce is figured out if it comes to that.

I am not sure you are at that point yet, but please keep that in mind. Your lives are intertwined and you are not so worthless you should walk away with nothing. This is an important thing to know and remember.

Keep your spirits up. See a professional. Keep doing things for the kids and the home. Make meals. Be a good dad. You got this. :)

I have loved my wife for 18 years. I wrote a long post on Facebook for our 10th wedding anniversary, which was in mid October, about how much I adore her. She now recoils at the touch of my hand. I am so totally devastated. I feel like my life has come apart. I am working so hard to fix my failures. Our home is spotless. I have taken complete ownership of as much of the children related responsibility as I possibly can. But she is so angry, and my presence in the home triggers her. I can’t stop crying.

Give it some time. Do not despair. You are alive, she is alive, the kids are alive and the house is clean. You are doing alright. Keep on keepin’ on and give her as much space as you can, it’s all you can do.

I know that her current attitude tears you apart, and it’s right 'orrible. I find you are showing magnificent character in not going angerbeast over how she’s become. You are OK and really, in time she too will see you did what you could.

And this too wil pass. Hang in there.

Thank you so much. And I want to say thank you to everyone who has been so kind and posted or mesaged to help me. I have been feeling so alone, and it has been so hard. You help more than words can possibly say.

Kurt Vonnegut once wrote an essay about heartbreak. He titled it “This Too Shall Pass”. Keep your head up, my friend, when it’s not down. This too shall pass.

The big thing is “time”. She sees change right now, but may think it won’t last. Stay out of her way as much as possible like you’ve been doing. Be there for your kids as you have been. But the biggest thing I haven’t seen mentioned, is get as much exercise as you possibly can. If you need to leave the house to not be there, hit a gym, any gym and exercise the crap out of yourself. If she sees a physical change in you along with everything else, that will make her pause. But the biggest benefit to you, is it will drastically help with your depression and feelings of no self-worth. You need strength, physical and mental, and that will help on both ends.

I am going to start up the gym on Monday. I have also been dieting, and have lost 8 pounds so far.

And do not forget to hit the bags at that gym. Get someone to coach you a bit on basic punching and roundhouse kicks. Its so good. Just let the fucking bag have it. Have it all.

She spontaneously said she wasn’t going to our friends’ for Thanksgiving, so I am taking the kids by myself. I don’t want her to be alone, so I offered to let her go and I would stay home. She said she’d consider it, but I don’t think she will. She has been miserable all day, because I am here.

My friend, this sounds like a problem with her, not with you. Keep your chin up and be the person you want to be, even if you have to be that person alone with your kids. Let her wallow in her self-pity. It kind of sounds to me like she’s trying to get you to leave her on your own accord and to think it’s your fault. Don’t fall for that - it’s wrong and manipulative. If she doesn’t want to be with you then she needs to walk away… not manipulate you into doing it. Don’t allow her to make you miserable.

Stop. Just stop. This is NOT your fault. If she is unwilling to even acknowledge the effort you are making (late in coming or not) and make any kind of reciprocal effort, then as Clay and others have said, you are not the problem here, at least in this moment (not saying you didn’t contribute to getting here, but this is about dealing with right now).

Even if she comes around, you aren’t going to be able to do what you need to do without recognizing your own self-worth.

Take the kids and go be with family and friends. Don’t isolate yourself on her account. She can still decide whether she wants to isolate herself or not.

This x100.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for any of us not in the immediate situation to assign any blame. I would say to Mark L to control the things you can control and work on having acceptance for the things you cannot control.

People do get through these horrible episodes. Many come through them and after some time has passed find themselves in a better, healthier situation. The kids should bounce back. Kids are good at that. Don’t think this is going to irrevocably wreck their lives.

Women seem to think longer and harder about relationships than do men, so I am guessing Mark L’s wife has been thinking about this for some time. The decision may be more firmly fixed in her head.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I will now and then have a day where life’s burdens seem immeasureably heavy and I’m awash in the futility of just about everything. Usually it only takes powering through that day to wake up the next morning and feel excited about all the possibilities again. Mark L will not get through this in a day, but the arc can be similar.

But isnt she doing exactly that anyway? Making him miserable? Staying there, miserable, hoping she is the one that blinks does not see like a good plan, to me. That’s how spouses end up killing each other. If the situation is at the point he claims it is, it doesn’t matter who makes the first move. It just needs to be made. I can’t see how staying and trying to force her to be the one to move will do anything but make things worse. Of course no one here but Mark L knows the real story as we are only getting his side. That’s why counseling is important. Only someone who understands both sides of the issue can really give him the answers he needs. Get out and get help before it too late, is my advice.

I love my wife. I want to make things better with her. I’m really not trying to say anything hurtful about her. It’s true that there are things I wish she had done differently. I’m in a lot of pain. But I know she is, too. I just want us to be able to be a family again. I’m sorry if anything I said came across as cruel or insensitive towards her. She absolutely has her own side of the story to tell.

I posted because I am so sad and lonely and scared, and I just am desperate to connect with people I guess. My days have been hell. But I absolutely did not intend to rant about her or badmouth her in any way.

It didn’t come across that way to me. You seem to understand her feelings. You are not complaning.

This is one of those acceptance things. This can be a goal but it’s not something you can control.

So if she was the sole financial provider and she was also handling the bulk of the housework and childcare responsibilities, you can understand her frustration and imagine she’s skeptical that these short-term changes you have made will translate into long-term changes.

My guess is she’s thought about this for a long time and came to the conclusion that she wants a different life. You are not going to change her mind overnight.

Control what you can, which is getting the housework done and taking care of the kids. Just do it and don’t talk about doing it. Sleep on the couch. Get the counseling and keep inviting her to it.

Anyway, advice is easy to give and humans are always full of advice for others that they themselves would often ignore, so listen with that consideration.

It’s ok to unload. You can certainly feel that people here will provide a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. And you don’t come across as being unreasonable or overly complaining about your wife.

Just keep in mind that regardless as to what happened in the past, you’re not 100% at fault here, and that you can only be responsible for your own behavior. Which is why people have been encouraging for you to go to therapy, work out at the gym, pitch in around the house, and take an active hand in the kids. You gotta take care of yourself while you deal with the issues in the relationship.