I Just Figured Out Why I Hate Million Dollar Baby

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1

It’s been nagging at me for awhile now. I mean, MDB is at worst a very good film, IMO. Eastwood deserves a place as one of the better directors of his time (and a far better director than actor, really). Hillary Swank is as awesome as ever. Sure, it’s a tough watch, but it’s supposed to be. It has genuine pathos and aching dialogue and scenes. So, why do I hate it?

Because I rented the fucker to see Girlfight 2, that’s why. Hey yeah, I got a solid, 4-star tour-de-force in its stead. But I wanted to see bitches punch each other in the face. I wanted some sort of grittier, muted Rocky. Raging Bull meets, well, Girlfight. I wanted to pull for the plucky, spunky Swank and triumph alongside her in the end.

Yeah, well, sure didn’t get that. OMIGOD THIS FILM HAS A TWIST! Yeah, maybe too big a one IMO. It’s like “Who got Boys Don’t Cry in my groovy fight pic?” WTF? It’s like going to see a feel-good romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts and having it turn into a horrific bloodbath horror flick. Wait, never mind, that would be awesome.

You get my point. But MDB gets a pass on this, because it’s fucking good. And my Moms did say “It’s not what you expect.” AND HOW. Still, remember all them stupid-ass films Robin Williams made early in his film career? The World According to Garp. Toys. Popeye. Those films just plained sucked anyway, but one of the primary reasons is that you thought you were getting Robin “cokefiend” Williams in some placeholder role while he got to be him. Hey, it worked in Mork and Mindy. Instead, some bullshit, hackneyed, awkward, ersatz melodrama that fucking ruined the whole experience. But that experience wasn’t all that hot to begin with, and neither was the end product.

I mean, I realize the tough bit about MDB. If you know the twist, it fucks up the film. The twist is precisely the jarring abruptness of tragedy, striking anytime, anywhere, sending a presumed life’s journey of success and triumph into nearly faultless misery, sadness, and heartache. But man, that wasn’t what I was there for, you know? C’mon Clint, give us a break. I know where to go, usually, if I want to sob quietly into my box of Dots.

And I still want Girlfight 2, though. And I want Swank to star in it.

2

Amen. I went into it expecting an awesome sports movie. I got half an awesome sports movie and half a shitty Lifetime special. Bleah.

3

Dear Bill,

I attended your post today expecting a humorous commentary on the state of modern cinema. I had my popcorn, I had my soda, and I was all set.

Then, you threw this reference to The World According to Garp in it, lumping it in with a few other Robin Williams titles, as if to imply that Garp was a bad movie. Need I remind you that this movie also feature John Lithgow as a transvestite?

Your post reminded me of how upset I was after viewing what was purported to be Girlfight 2 with Hillary Swank.

Sincerely,

Mystery

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The other reason is because Clint Eastwood cried.

5

Fair enough. I hated Garp, Lithgow regardless (I don’t particularly care for him, anyway). The reason for his goofy name was trite, the final scene was forced, and the entire subplot with the cult or whatever of women with their tongues cut out, like a tranny Lithgow, might sound super-groovy to mention but really didn’t do much for the film, IMO. With Williams starring in it, it carried the with it the misguided notion that it might be a comedy, which is wasn’t. My point stands.

6

Hey, and I liked Toys. LL Cool J, come on. I’m going back to California…I don’t think so.

7

Yes, the first hour of it is groovy and creative. The last parts with the jumpcutting clips of the little robot tanks fighting the National Guard or whatever with some lame action music playing…retarded.

8

I would like to weigh in on the “Million Dollar Baby” is teh ghey camp. In fact, I would say MDB is actually not a good movie in the least. Is it bad? Not really, but I thought its Oscar wins were a bit of a travesty (except that I put less weight on the Oscars every year I pay attention to them).

MDB is bad melodrama tacked onto a decent sports underdog story. Everyone plays a boring stereotype, half the cast phones it in (including Clint himself) and I don’t think the transition from one type of story to the other could have been more awkward. It felt like I was back in 10th grade, and I just finished reading the goth chick’s weekly creative writing assignment where the seemingly simple story ends in retardedly brutal tragedy because “life is real.”

But in MDB’s case, you get an insultingly bad stereotypical white trash family (I can’t stand white trash, but even I was put off by how crazy this was… wearing Sea World T-shirts to the bedside?), you get Clint’s conflict awkwardly set up with a stupid scene with his priest… Swank trying to keep the whole thing from completely devolving into a movie of the week. And the whole ending felt false. I always imagined that when someone flatlines in a health care facility, even with a DNR, somebody comes pronto and checks it out just to make some face time. Instead, Clint gets his moment and somberly walks out of the hospital, with his shit all tored up. Does MDB2 cover Clint’s murder trial in a similar movie of the week fashion?

Morgan Freeman’s VO work is just about his least inspired effort. It felt almost like he was giving the monthly sales numbers over a speaker phone.

Anyway, I don’t think people should dislike MDB because they got hoodwinked, they should dislike it because on top of the hoodwinking, it’s not a good film. Are there worse? Sure. But I don’t think it’s too soon to rethink these recent classics (Crash, Brokeback, Chicago, A Beautiful Mind, Gladiator, American Beauty… you’re next).

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Yeah, that ain’t happening IRL. But, I’ll tell you, that stereotypical WT family I’ve seen many a time. It’s forgiveable. And, as hinted, Swank apparently can make me see any goddamned film. “They took m’leg, Boss.” That line still gives me chills.

Morgan Freeman’s VO work is just about his least inspired effort. It felt almost like he was giving the monthly sales numbers over a speaker phone.

Oh, I’d put his VO for War of the Worlds a notch below. There’s another film that tried to do some things I didn’t give a shit about it doing. Oh good, potential pedophilia and molestation in my alien attack flick. Super.

Anyway, I don’t think people should dislike MDB because they got hoodwinked, they should dislike it because on top of the hoodwinking, it’s not a good film. Are there worse? Sure. But I don’t think it’s too soon to rethink these recent classics (Crash, Brokeback, Chicago, A Beautiful Mind, Gladiator, American Beauty… you’re next).

Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind are Exhibits A and B for the dumb politics the infest the Academy Awards. I think ABM is awesome and Crowe and Connelly are spectacular in it. Having Crowe get the nod for Best Actor from Maximus and not be allowed to get the two-fer (because OH NO HE MIGHT BE CONSIDERED AS GOOD AS TOM HANKS THEN, which he is) for ABM is queer and stupid. And Gladiator was a very well-made film, with a groovy cast, but it sorely lacked the soul of Braveheart and failed to resonate with me. Joaquin Phoenix is a stellar actor, but he’s not very good at being menacing.

American Beauty? Abysmal. Who here saw the trailer that made you think the daughter and her beau were the film’s focus? Oops. The film’s climactic point revolves around a Three’s Company-esque blowjob mistake sight gag, of all things, and the actress slotted for the eponymous title role is anything but pretty. I’d go with, freakishly skinny and kind of alien-looking. I paid good money to see those tits?

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I paid good money to see those tits?

I hope you’re referring to Mena Suvari (whose alleged sexiness I’ve never understood). Thora Birch is rather hot (well, not in “Ghost World” which she put on 30 pounds for, but she’s damn good in that movie).

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Garp was, of course, a far better novel.

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All my students think I’m nuts for not liking Gladiator, and they all think it’s because I’m a Rome nerd who hates historical inaccuracy, but that’s not it at all. It’s for this stuff you list and more.

Crowe strikes one note through the entire movie, making his character boring. The love story never went anywhere, the hints at incestuous stuff at the beginning were never developed. The theatrical release never explains the Praetorian docility at the end. The editing is too fast to really make the gladiator battles interesting. I got the impression it was shot too darkly as well, but that might have been a theater thing.

Crowe’s Oscar was payback for The Insider, I think. And he didn’t get it for Beautiful Mind. So he got his Oscar for his worst performance of the three pictures.

Still haven’t seen MDB, and I know all about the twist. Is it still worth seeing in any case? My wife doesn’t know, so she might “enjoy” the shift in focus.

Troy

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My number one complaint about Gladiator is that they already spent too much time on the stupid incest plot. Thank Jupiter they didn’t develop it even further…

Also, Ridley Scott says in his commentary that the love story “not going anywhere” was intentional because it wouldn’t fit Maximus’ character, what with his undying loyalty to wife and family and ancestors.

I thought the gladiator fights were great, some of the best pre-gunpowder fights ever committed to film IMO. Scott did over-abbreviate the fighting in Kingdom of Heaven but Gladiator just hit the sweet spot.

The extended cut is definitely recommended to fill in some plot holes, though.

14

I’m still pissed that Titanic beat LA Confidential for best film.

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I was fairly young when I saw Garp and I remember being very shocked at the ending.

Just like The Matrix, I missed out on the hype when it came to Gladiator. I saw on DVD and thought it was good, but all the hype had me thinking that I’d be walking out of the theater high on adrenaline.

I thought Million Dollar Baby was good. I enjoyed the performances. I don’t get the talk about the male actors phoning it in or just collecting a check. That’s the same Clint and Morgan I remember from Unforgiven. They really weren’t major players in the story. It wasn’t about them.

16

Well, exactly. It didn’t need to be raised at all. But there it is, mostly because it is your standard “incestuous Imperial family” plot point. It is almost required in the post I, Claudius environment.

Also, Ridley Scott says in his commentary that the love story “not going anywhere” was intentional because it wouldn’t fit Maximus’ character, what with his undying loyalty to wife and family and ancestors.

Maximus never tells whatshername to piss off because he’s already married in the afterlife, IIRC. But a romantic subplot that starts and stops, the youthful history between the two…maybe it was just the actress I found unconvincing.

The extended cut is definitely recommended to fill in some plot holes, though.

This is what I keep hearing, so I may have to wander into that valley some time.

Troy

17

I thought Gladiator was decent, but I haven’t been able to watch it again. As for Phoenix, he’s not supposed to be menacing. He’s supposed to be slimy. There’s a huge difference. He’s a guy that thinks he is a warrior…a hero…but he isn’t. That fits my historical vision of Commodus quite well.

Just out of curiosity, why isn’t this in the movies forum?

18

Bill: You didn’t like Popeye? I’m crushed.

Troy: as to the extended version of Gladiator, it fills in some of the holes big time. One particularly good scene which went missing from the theatrical version was of Commodus and the Praetorians because they had lied to him about Maximus’ death in Germania. Another good scene is of Commodus hating his father posthumously (in front of a bust of Aurelius). Ridley cut them for pacing reasons, but they’re good if you’re at home and not looking for an action flick.

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I know, but IMO the film wanted to wear the Big Drawers and be a sweeping, triumphant, heroic epic to rival Braveheart and Ben Hur, but having Commodus be sort of sheepishly antagonistic just imparied the conflict between Maximus and Commodus. I mean, the only thing it had going for it were the arena battles, since the love angle was lacking and the main protagonist/antagonist conlfict was awkward, if more realistic. But, like, who needs realism? Braveheart had William Wallace still in deep love with his woman from the beginning, but nailing hot French pussy precisely because of it. And the combat was friggin’ killer, on par with Gladiator and easily arguably superior in many places. Any film where blood splatters and hits the camera is a winner in my book. And it had bad bad guys and not-so-bad, guilt-ridden bad guys. Gladiator wanted to be all of those things, but it wasn’t.

Just out of curiosity, why isn’t this in the movies forum?

Because I rented MDB on DVD and watched on my TV. No, actually, I’m just stupid.

Yeah, and that makes it worse. 2 Best Actor nods non-sequentially are okey-doke, so if the Academy had fucking done it right from the get-go, they wouldn’t have screwed Crowe out of the awards he rightfully earned, instead of giving him the one he didn’t.

Still haven’t seen MDB, and I know all about the twist. Is it still worth seeing in any case? My wife doesn’t know, so she might “enjoy” the shift in focus.

My opinion? Yes. She’ll cry, the wife. Hell, I almost did. Swank is phenomenal in it.

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Of course. Birch has delightful, pendulous, yummy breasts PAGING DIRT DIRT YOU HAVE A CALL ON LINE ONE. Anyway, Scarlett Johannsen was the hot one in GW.