Effing birds. Here I am, in my nice new house, and these FUCKING PIGEONS just have to try to build their nest on my roof, right under the eave above my home office window. I’m playing Splinter Cell and it’s SKRIIITCH SCKITCH SKRITCH I’m jerking off to ampland porn and it’s SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH. Every week, I get a busted pigeon egg frying on my driveway, because there is no real place to nest on my roof, but that doesn’t stop this idiot pigeon. I go outside and spray him the face with my hose, and he flies to the next house and sits there on the edge of the roof, waiting for me to go back inside my house. Jerkoff bird. HELP ME KILL IT.
Either poison them or shoot them. Or the rage will continue.
My veterinarian-to-be fiancee would kill me if I told you how to kill them.
Plus it’s usually illegal to do so.
Instead I’ll offer this site as a solution to your woes.
The best thing about this deterrent? You’ll feel just like a Viet Cong guerilla, leaving behind punji stakes for careless GIs.
Though killing the bird might be satisfying, you’re probably better off preventing the birds from nesting. Have you thought about those small metal spikes that give a place that jaunty medieval fortress look?
Edit: Ephraim beat me to it.
Does your house not have roof access or are you just a gigantic, flapping vagina?
Both. I’d need a 20-foot ladder to get to the eave of my second-story office window. Do they make poison feed? I don’t want to just straight up poison them with antifreeze or whatever, as I’ve heard that might poison a wandering mouser kitty that thinks it got lucky with all the dead birds laying around.
My friend Dave says you can get a pellet guns or you can get the bird spikes. But you’d be more satisfied with the pellet gun. 40 bucks at Walmart for a decent one, then you go all Lee Harvey on them.
Spikes mean you give the problem to your neighbor. Pellet gun means you solve the problem for everyone.
btw, now that you own a house, you should also own a fiberglass ladder. Pick one up while you’re at walmart.
My asshole friend Dave says you can get a pellet gun, or you can get the bird spikes. But you’d be more satisfied with the pellet gun. 40 bucks at Walmart for a decent one, then you go all Lee Harvey on them.
Spikes mean you give the problem to your neighbor. Pellet gun means you solve the problem for everyone.
btw, now that you own a house, you should also own a fiberglass ladder. Pick one up from home depot on your way to walmart.
What’s ampland porn?
Find out for yourself. type it into google.
Screw the neighbors. Get the spikes.
Get a Hawk (yes, capitalized). Pigeons first and then the cats that have been annoying you. There is a childrens book that can guide you through this. I’m surprised you haven’t read it.
There used to be a hawk across the street, nesting in a large Tudor. He (or she) used to swoop on the pigeons who decided to nest on the same broken bricks as well. Coolest thing I’ve ever seen mainly for the midair grabs and the pigeons refusal to relocate. The next year both the pigeons and hawk were gone.
Ah, the rats of the sky. Don’t use poison, because you will totally kill non-pigeons if you do. And then you’ll just have a bunch of corpses on the roof. I say go with spikes.
I’ll just add this: Bird Spikes that look like improvised white-trash antennas or a Red-Tailed Hawk?
If you poison the pigeons, your neighbors with cats will sue you for killing their pets. Or shoot your ass. Use the spikes.
I got shat on by a pigeon tonight. You need to terminate those fuckers with extreme fucking prejudice.
Aren’t they supposed to explode internally if you feed them Alka-Seltzer?
A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a “whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon’s head off” situation.
Ohhh noes they invaded Bill’s house!
