Just do it like you are a teenage girl writing in her diary.
July 17th, 2006
Today I was out driving around and I totally saw this guy who looked completely suspicious. His car was totally grody and his tail light was more busted than Stephanie’s grill. Needless to say, I totally ran his plates and he came up like, totally suspended on his license. And get this, the plates on the car? Diary, they like, weren’t even registered to a car that looked ANYTHING like the car I was looking at.
So I totally pulled this guy over. I’m all like, license and registration? He’s all like, I don’t have any, I know I’m suspended. And I was like, “you know I can totally arrest you for this?” He’s all like, “yeah, wouldn’t be the first time.” I was like, “Well I’ll tell you what.”
And I was totally about to just write this guy a ticket when I saw him trying to jam a pastic baggie down between his seat cushions. So I totally know that he’s hiding drugs, but I played all dumb like, “Excuse me sir, please step out of the car.” He totally did, like a dumbass and then I asked him if I could look through his car, which he said was fine, which was like, I dunno, ok.
So at that time, Diary, I asked my partner to let him try on those fancy bracelets that my dad makes us carry everywhere. He put them on and they looked good. So I’m scrounging inbetween his seat cushions, totally finding like, cassette singles of 80’s songs that I totally loved but hadn’t thought about in a long time.
Anyways, I found the guy’s pot, but I’m supposed to act dumb about what it is until some scientist does some crap with it. So I’m all like, “I observed a greefy leafy substance in a small plastic baggie.” I asked the guy if it was his, and he was like, “no.” And I was all like, “Seriously? Then can I have it?” And he’s all like, “Sure.” So then I was totally like, “HA! Then it is yours! If it was somebody else’s, you would have said you’d have to ask them before I could have it!” He totally looked down at his feet and I know he felt dumb.
I was all like, if it’s your pot though, you have to tell me. Because I can’t write you a ticket for simple possession if it isn’t yours, I have to take you to the station and do a bunch of stuff to you and make you sit there for a while and get yelled at. If you want to get yelled at by Detective Jarkovitz, that’s fine, but whaTEVS.