In which we list our favourite jokes told by a character (or characters) in a film

Actual jokes like, not gags in the narrative if you follow me.

I like Hanratty’s joke in ‘Catch Me If You Can’:

Knock Knock
(Who’s there?)
Go fuck yourselves

Does the beginning of Way of the Gun count? Because “shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuckstart her head” is one of the greatest lines ever.

That’s an awesome line (in an awesome movie), but it’s not a joke.

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.”

Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor… I am Pagliacci.”

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Can I quote one from a TV show?

A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, “I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.” The naked lady says…

This guy’s walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up “Hey you! Can you help me out?” The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here!” and the friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”

This reminds me of a joke. This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, “Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I’m gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop.” The bartender looks. I mean, we’re talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, “Now wait, let me get this strait. You’re tryin’ to tell me you’ll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?” Customer looks up and says, “That’s right.” Bartender says, “Young man, you got a bet.” The guy goes, “Okay, here we go. Here we go.” Pulls out his thing. He’s lookin’ at the glass, man. He’s thinkin’ about the glass. He’s thinkin’ about the glass. Glass. He’s thinkin’ about the glass, glass. Thinkin’ about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, foosh, he lets it rip. And he-he’s pisses all over the place, man. He’s pissin’ on the bar. He pissin’ on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He’s pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he’s laughing his fuckin’ ass off. He’s $300 richer. He’s like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha!” Piss dripping off his face. “Ha, ha, ha, ha!” He says, “You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta.” Guy goes, “Excuse me just one-one little second.” Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there’s a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, “Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300.” And the bartender’s like, “What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!” The guy says, “Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you’d be happy.”


Now way could I type it out… but here it is from Hill Street Blues!

Good joke, but, man, can Tarantino be annoying.

So Superman is out flying around one day, horny as hell, and he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself naked on top of the Justice League.

She’s laying out there all naked and spread eagle, and Superman says, “I have got to get me some of that Wonder Pussy!” Then it occurs to him, he can just fly down, get in a few quick pumps, and be gone before anyone notices anything because he’s Superman, right? So he flies down real quick, does his thing, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman sits up real quick and says, “What the hell was that?”

The Invisible Man replies, “I don’t know, but my ass is killin’ me!”

Damn comedians.

“Hey, Billy. Billy! So the other day, I said to my girlfriend, ‘you know, I’d like a little pussy’, and she said ‘Me, too! Mine’s as big as a house’”
(Billy stares blankly)

"Billy. Billy! So, the other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, and I said ‘Geez, you’ve got a big pussy’, ‘Geez, you’ve got a big pussy’, and she said ‘why’d you say that twice?’, and I said ‘I didn’t’.
(Billy stares blankly)

In which we list any jokes we can remember having been told by a character (or characters) in a film

That’s kind of a given in these threads isn’t it?

Ned: “It looks like a mail plane!”
Dusty: “Really? How can you tell?”
Ned: “Didn’t you see its little balls?”

I use this one all the time.

The opening scene of Annie Hall, spoken directly to the camera:

There’s an old joke: Two elderly women are at a catskills mountain resort, and one of them says “Boy the food in this place is really terrible”. The other one says, “Yeah I know, and such small portions!”

You mean Zylon coming in to snark? Yeah, it is pretty much a given.