Jack Handey

You guys know of Jack Handey, right? He’s a humorist or comedy writer or whatever you want to call it. He wrote those “Deep Thoughts” bits on SNL, among other things.

I usually find the “humor” pieces in The New Yorker painfully self-conscious and unfunny, but every time one of Handey’s pieces shows up on their “Shouts & Murmurs” page I find myself giggling like a schoolgirl. Here’s the latest one for your reading pleasure.

He’s got a shtick, for sure, but the shtick sure makes me laugh.

Thanks- I love his stuff.

“I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves. But you have treated me like an intruder. Maybe it is not me who is the intruder but you.”

“You may kill me […] but you can’t kill an idea. And that idea is: me chasing you with a big wooden mallet.”

Run, little Martian baby, run!

I just started reading the New Yorker last month, and I was really shocked when I got this latest issue and saw that there was a piece by Mr. Deep Thoughts! So, so much better than that Noah Baumbach thing a while back.

Huh. I always thought he was just a character played by Al Franken, since Franken’s the one who read the Deep Thoughts on SNL (wasn’t he?).

FYI, Jack Handey was an SNL writer.

I thought Phil Hartman did it, and I thought the same thing about him until a few years ago.

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

I like that one. But that site didn’t have my favorite, which went something like

If you ever fall off a really tall building, you should go limp and pretend to be a dummy. Somebody might catch you, thinking Hey, free dummy.

That site had both of my favorites…

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.


I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

This was the one I always remember…

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”

Still cracks me up to this day, it is just so friggin sadistic… :lol:

FWIW, I think the Jack Handey stuff started in National Lampoon in the early 80s. I’ve still got stacks of the mag in boxes somewhere, and I know there were Deep Thoughts in a lot of them. Man, I still miss Lampoon.

That tadpoles one is hilarious. I’m gonna have that stuck in my head for a couple of days.

I hadn’t read/heard this one before:

If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don’t stop and start thinking of what other words have “under” in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy.

If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. Then if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, “Hey look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off to go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening, when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Hell, I feel like copying the whole site.

You are correct, sir!

April 1984. Considered by myself and my friends as the funniest NatLamp issue EVAR.

That “wounded seal swimming to shore, because where does he think he’s going?!?” one is the funniest one, IMO. I love that one. Although “Tadpoles is a winner!” is a very close second.

You are correct, sir!

April 1984. Considered by myself and my friends as the funniest NatLamp issue EVAR.[/quote]

I know I had the issue with the “Tadpoles” in it. What was on the cover?

Here’s something fun from that issue.