Joanna Dark, I would like you to meet Mary Sue

Matt got a copy of Perfect Dark: Initial Vector in the mail. Matt is smart, he’s not reading it. I’m not smart. I will read any damn thing that I see. I am only halfway through it so far.

Ms. Dark has almost every single defining trait of a Mary Sue.

Physically she is in tip-top shape, lithe and gorgeous. She has distinctive hair, red with a blonde forelock, that is described as natural for no other reason than to downplay her interest in her own appearance. Her eyes are blue, but not some common form of blue. They are bluer than anyone else’s, and flash and sparkle with every emotion you can imagine.

She is also better than everyone else. Not only is she the youngest person in the story, she is also the fastest and strongest. Faster and stronger than a supersoldier on wacky drugs that make him super fast and strong. She is more agile, more stealthy, has a more accurate shot than anyone else and appears to be perfectly ambidexterous. She is sexy but unaware of it, which we are informed makes her even sexier. In fact, there is not one character immune to noticing how attractive she is. She’s smarter, able to take in incredible detail in a moment or escape without anyone noticing.

Emotionally, no one can know the depths of her pain. She was born paralyzed, her spiral cord severed in two at her neck. It took years of therapy for her to learn to walk and become the wonderous specimen of motion that she is today. Her father died, a death she agonizes over constantly. She revels in her survivor’s guilt.

Everyone loves her. Manipulative characters get her where they want her and then feel bad about it. Older characters yearn for her and chide themselves for lusting over a kid. While she flips the bird to a supersoldier she has thoroughly humiliated and who knows he will be tortured because she got away, it’s said that he’d have fallen in love with her that very moment if he didn’t hate her so much.

She plays holographic first person shooters for days on end, until she is so sweaty that her clothing clings to her body. Finally another character comes in and rips off the hologoggles and says “Joanna, you have to take better care of yourself!” while she internally reminds herself that she has to play to train because her father died.

What I am trying to say is that I wish she would die some horrible, unglamorous death. But she won’t. If she dies, everyone will mourn and the lion and the lamb will lay together and everyone will reflect on what an incredible role model she is.

While the author loves her to pieces I just wish I didn’t feel like I have to finish anything I begin reading, because so far it has been 148 pages of torture. Only 151 more to go.


Step away from the book and put it down, if you know what’s good for you!


I smell a graphic novel in the making!

So esentially, she’s Bruce Wane with a vagina.

I will read any damn thing that I see. I am only halfway through it so far.

Oh how true this is.

Batman isn’t loved. In fact, even other superheroes think he’s a jerk.

They just don’t say that shit to his face.

Disappointing to here it’s so poor. The author is Greg Rucka whose comic work is outstanding. And yeah, he has written quite a few Batman comics.

Hmm, I have to read it, then.

I’m trying to figure out why anyone over the age of 13 would want to read a novelization of a video game.

The fact that this particular Mary Sue was created by a guy makes it somewhat scary.

My own Mary Sue moment came some 200 years ago when a friend convinced me to read one of the Conan books. The first couple of pages had him escaping from some city, killing everything in his way. He then jumped silently from the city wall into a tree right above a guard. It was at that point that I threw the book into the trash.

Baldur’s Gate 2 has a pretty awful novel too (I’ve reviewed a few game books, which is my excuse, and I’m sticking to it) which kicks off with the main character walking stark naked through the streets of Amn because Irenicus pinched his pants, and adds a whole lesbian sub-plot between Imoen and Phadra in the Drow City.

I finished the book. It maintained a steady level of suckitude.

That is sooo hot.

Robin loves him. In a way that the others will never understand.


Is it by Greg Rucka?


I would love that idea if it wasn’t delivered via Steam. Can’t say what it has to do with this book though.