Lawyerly law stuff that's interesting

Basically Edward Elric is a pedo and a sex pest. It’s a known fact in the industry.
Someone in the industry said as much and he sued them for defamation.
He then proceeded to hire the dumbest lawyers ever and show everyone how he assaulted someone as part of his defense.

Doucette has been covering since it began. And it’s been years.
He calls it the threadnaught and it’s so massive and long lasting that I think it broke Twitter at some point, but basically him and every lawyer there is was proven 100% correct and now all the anime nerds are flipping out and pretending that it didn’t all happen the way he said it would.

Edit: NPR picked it up:

Also, his legal representation was comically inept in their conduct of the case. F’rinstance, by not understanding the court’s rules (and also trying to commit fraud on the court), they ended up withdrawing the evidence that might’ve been helpful to their client.

It’s known. He tried to do it to a former girlfriend of mine around 12-13 years ago.

He loved the slightly stupid evangelical girls.

A big thread of how it all went, hilariously and stupidly, wrong that isn’t the Threadnaught Itself, which broke Twitter can probably can’t be read at this point anyway (bonus the gif is of Vic explaining how he assaulted someone, you know in defense of the defamation of someone claiming he assaults people):

It is it’s own giant thread, because everything about this is a shitshow and trying to capture even part of the incompetence is akin to writing War and Peace.

Tired: Judicial activism
Wired: State legislature activism^H^H^H^H^H voter nullification

Trump’s RICO lawsuit against the Government, the Clintons, and everyone in the world who has annoyed him has been summarily dismissed, with a flourish. https://storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.uscourts.flsd.610157/gov.uscourts.flsd.610157.267.0.pdf

Plaintiff’s theory of this case, set forth over 527 paragraphs in the first 118 pages of the Amended Complaint, is difficult to summarize in a concise and cohesive manner. It was certainly not presented that way. Nevertheless, I will attempt to distill it here.

Defendants now move to dismiss the Amended Complaint as “a series of disconnected political disputes that Plaintiff has alchemized into a sweeping conspiracy among the many individuals Plaintiff believes to have aggrieved him.” (DE 226 at 1). They argue that dismissal is warranted because Plaintiff’s claims are both “hopelessly stale”—that is, foreclosed by the applicable statutes of limitations—and because they fail on the merits “in multiple independent respects.” (Id. at 2). As they view it, “[w]hatever the utilities of [the Amended Complaint] as a fundraising tool, a press release, or a list of political grievances, it has no merit as a lawsuit.” (Id.). I agree. [ouch]

Plaintiff’s Amended Complaint is 193 pages in length, with 819 numbered paragraphs. It contains 14 counts, names 31 defendants, 10 “John Does” described as fictitious and unknown persons, and 10 “ABC Corporations” identified as fictitious and unknown entities. Plaintiff’s Amended Complaint is neither short nor plain, and it certainly does not establish that Plaintiff is entitled to any relief.

More troubling, the claims presented in the Amended Complaint are not warranted under existing law. In fact, they are foreclosed by existing precedent, including decisions of the Supreme Court. … But these are emblematic of the audacity of Plaintiff’s legal theories and the manner in which they clearly contravene binding case law.

Many of the Amended Complaint’s characterizations of events are implausible because they lack any specific allegations which might provide factual support for the conclusions reached. … What the Amended Complaint lacks in substance and legal support it seeks to substitute with length, hyperbole, and the settling of scores and grievances.

In presenting a pleading, an attorney certifies that it is not being presented for any improper purpose; that the claims are warranted under the law; and that the factual contentions have evidentiary support. I have serious doubts about whether that standard is met here.

To say that Plaintiff’s 193-page, 819-paragraph Amended Complaint is excessive in length would be putting things mildly.

But even if Plaintiff’s RICO claims were timely, they still fail on the merits at every step of the analysis. Under RICO, it is “unlawful for any person employed by or associated with any enterprise engaged in, or the activities of which affect, interstate or foreign commerce, to conduct or participate, directly or indirectly, in the conduct of such enterprise’s affairs through a pattern of racketeering activity . . . .” … Defendants argue that Counts I and II of the Amended Complaint fail to satisfy any of these elements. I agree. While Plaintiff’s failure to satisfy any one of the RICO elements is sufficient to grant Defendants’ Motion, for the sake of completeness I address them all below.

Because Plaintiff has failed to allege the essential elements of an injurious falsehood claim, this count must be dismissed. And as for Count IV, the conspiracy allegations are formulaic, conclusory, and implausible.

In Count V, Plaintiff sues: his own Deputy Attorney General, Rod Rosenstein; former Director at the FBI, James Comey; former Deputy Director of the FBI, Andrew McCabe; lawyers for the FBI, Kevin Clinesmith and Lisa Page; an official with the Department of Justice, Bruce Ohr, and his wife Nellie Ohr; and an FBI agent, Peter Stzok, for malicious prosecution. But Plaintiff was never prosecuted.

At its core, the problem with Plaintiff’s Amended Complaint is that Plaintiff is not attempting to seek redress for any legal harm; instead, he is seeking to flaunt a two-hundred-page political manifesto outlining his grievances against those that have opposed him, and this Court is not the appropriate forum.

Fundamentally, Plaintiff cannot state a RICO claim without two predicate acts, and, after two attempts, he has failed to plausibly allege even one. Plaintiff cannot state an injurious falsehood claim without allegations of harm to his property interests. And Plaintiff cannot state a malicious prosecution claim without a judicial proceeding, but he unsuccessfully attempts to misconstrue, misstate, and misapply the law to do so anyway. Moreover, Plaintiff’s statutory claims premised on the DNS data rest on a misconstruction of the conduct those laws proscribe and the harms they remediate. Because Plaintiff was unable to cure his Complaint even with all its shortcomings clearly laid out for him, and because most of Plaintiff’s claims are not only unsupported by any legal authority but plainly foreclosed by binding precedent as set forth by the Supreme Court and the Eleventh Circuit, I find that amendment would be futile and that this case should be dismissed with prejudice as to the Defendants that have raised merits arguments.

(7) I reserve jurisdiction to adjudicate issues pertaining to sanctions.

Reading that, I was wondering if there would be sanctions, and then I hit the end. I think a Nelson ha ha gif would be appropriate here.

The Onion’s amicus brief to the Supremes is a thing of beauty.

To be clear, The Onion is not trying to compare itself to Jonathan Swift; its writers are far more talented, and their output will be read long after that hack Swift’s has been lost to the sands of time.

Don’t forget the footnot.

11 See Gulliver’s Travels and A Tale of a Tub from aforementioned
hack and rejected Onion freelancer, Jonathan Swift.

Damn came her to post that, it is truely wonderful.

I’d love to be the proverbial fly on the wall when judge and his clerk read it.

Yeah it’s just loaded with fun stuff, but also citations up the wazoo. Good stuff.

It is the best explanation of parody I’ve read, and certainly the funniest ever written.

Today is the day when arguably the weirdest bit of UK legal pageantry happens, the Quit Rents ceremony.

Basically, every year the City of London pays the monarch rent for part of Shropshire and a building in London that doesn’t exist any more. But that’s not all. The rent consists of two knives (one of them blunt), six horseshoes and 61 nails.

Durham is personally prosecuting his last attempt at winning a criminal case resulting from his enquiry, and it’s gone a bit weird as he ends up turning on / impeaching his own first witness.

Code is law is cryptocurrency nonsense but it looks like the Canadian courts will be looking at a case.

'Code is law' defence to be tested in case of allegedly stolen crypto | Canadian Lawyer.

I post this one for fun. Florida condo owner gets into massive lawsuit fight with condo association, represents himself, does a bunch of ugly and bad faith stuff, gets declared a vexatious litigant by the trial court, appeals that, goes even further off the deep end, and then is ultimately ruled to be a vexatious litigant by the appellate court. This means he cannot file any more lawsuits or motions unless a properly licensed attorney does it for him.

Some quotes:

In the years between Tiffany’s original complaint and
amended complaint, Rosen filed over eighty motions, responses and letters
with the trial court—many of which were irrelevant to the case, reasserted
claims that were previously rejected, personally attacked opposing counsel
and accused the presiding judge of misconduct.

Throughout the proceedings in the trial court, Rosen consistently
engaged in overly contentious and litigious behavior. As an example, Rosen
filed five motions to disqualify Tiffany’s counsel, four motions to impose
sanctions against Tiffany’s counsel and nine motions to disqualify the
different trial court judges assigned to the case.

Rosen has also repeatedly personally attacked opposing counsel, the
presiding trial court judge and the members of this Court in his filings.1
Rosen repeatedly calls opposing counsel a liar, refers to the trial court judge
as vicious and vindictive

And the capper, which is in a footnote (chef’s kiss):

(Written by the 3rd DCA Panel):

1 Rosen has stated the members of this Court are “idiots,” “morons,”
“dishonest” and “unprincipled.” He even claims, “when I die and go to hell, I
want to see the entire 3rd DCA panel there to greet me!”

And that, ladies and gents is how you get barred from the courthouse door. It’s not easy, but it can be done.