Life Lessons from Student Doctors

A bunch of student Doctors, sharing the life lessons they’ve learned from working casualty (or Emergency Room, as you Colonial types style it). Funny, funny stuff!

Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you’re on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don’t eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for “Got Coke?”

If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first…and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina…the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).

Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.

linky loo hoo

(The page may take a few minutes to load, but it’s worth the wait. There’s some hilarious stuff in there.)

A+++ thread! Two thumbs up! (One recently reattached!)

Seriously, folks, the examples above are mere tasters, not the best ones. Go read this stuff, I command thee:

Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.

when you get tired of vaginal or anal sex… try transverse colon… there are individuals out there who will pay 1000 bucks a pop to screw a colostomy patient (yes… the colostomy)… more amazingly is there are prostitutes who sell their colostomy…

With the follow up from another poster:

Hey, we had that in our ED! A gay dude that ended up with rectal CA, and got a colostomy - then ended up with the clap in his colostomy!

TMI! TMI! To think, I had been blissfully ignorant of the definition of colostomy.

If you have vaginal vault prolapse, it is a good idea to put a potato up your vagina to prevent the walls from collapsing. After you’ve left the potato in there long enough that it begins to sprout, take yourself into the local ER and exclaim, “There’s a tree coming outta my virginy!”

:o-

oh my fucking god…

learned yesterday…
if you are given a prescription for narcotics wait until the rx is filled before you try to sell them…
pt yesterday with bs pain complaint gets rx for vicodin and trys to sell them over the phone(loudly) in the E.D. lobby…" they gave me 30 vicodin…how about $250? ok meet me here in 20 minutes".
pt overheard by staff who took written rx from pt and ripped it up in his presence…

one two three four five.

When your 15yo daughter gives precipitous delivery to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting to triage c “gas pains”, you should run around the department loudly yelling, “I don’t know what y’all did or who that baby is, but my lil’ girl warn’t pregnant when she come in here”

Holy moly:

If you come to the ER (by EMS of course) with 2 days of priapism which you’ve had before and I aspirate and inject your penis with phenylephrine and it starts to go down don’t sit in your bed and stroke yourself until it gets hard again (not making this up).

When your 15yo daughter gives precipitous delivery to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting to triage c “gas pains”, you should run around the department loudly yelling, “I don’t know what y’all did or who that baby is, but my lil’ girl warn’t pregnant when she come in here”

I’d take that over the 13yo whose mother insists she carry the baby to term any day (far too common an occurrence).

the painless chancre of primary syphilis, the cauliflower-like growths of HPV, the blisters of herpes, and the urethral discharge of gonorrhea/chlamydia can, indeed, all exist on a single penis.

the owner of the above penis presented with a chief complaint of “cuts on my dick”…hmmm

It’s a rainbow of joy.

Nooo! the thread is gone, and I only made it page 23 out of 37 :(

Ah ha, moved! http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=257985

Someone should archive the thread before its deleted.

… and Christmas was saved!