I’ve been on QT3 a lot. Almost all the time, as it’s been the one constant in my life this year which is partly why I come here now. We had to rush my Dad to the hospital Thursday and this morning got news his heart is giving up. I have to go for HOSPICE meeting this afternoon.
I really can’t describe how devastating this is. My Dad spent months and months in the hospital with me over the years, wasting precious parts of his life at my bedside. He stressed and worried, and it made me sad he felt that way when I just wanted him to be happy. I felt like it was unfair, he should have a child such as myself with so many health problems, taking away some of the joy parents should have watching their children grow up. He was extremely active in church and the church choir. Donated time to many organizations and was of course an amazing father. And now, after all that - we won’t have a proper way to celebrate his life because of COVID. My Mom won’t have the company and warm embrace of friends and distant family. We won’t be able to have a huge gathering of people, all those who lives he touched. It’s so unfair, and I worry about my Mom.
I’m weak. Physically. I’ve been losing weight for months, and still having trouble recovering from surgical damage from the spinal resection. I’m exhausted and worried that I won’t be able to do all the things I need to do to help my family. I race between normality when I post here, to abject terror and sadness. Making things so much worse on top of all this, is the future of this country hangs in the balance. Sometimes I feel myself just shutting down, I want to run away and crawl into a hole. I don’t know how I can get through this being the strong support my Mom and younger sisters need.
I never thought I’d outlive my parents :(