Losing my Dad and not sure I can keep it together

I’ve been on QT3 a lot. Almost all the time, as it’s been the one constant in my life this year which is partly why I come here now. We had to rush my Dad to the hospital Thursday and this morning got news his heart is giving up. I have to go for HOSPICE meeting this afternoon.

I really can’t describe how devastating this is. My Dad spent months and months in the hospital with me over the years, wasting precious parts of his life at my bedside. He stressed and worried, and it made me sad he felt that way when I just wanted him to be happy. I felt like it was unfair, he should have a child such as myself with so many health problems, taking away some of the joy parents should have watching their children grow up. He was extremely active in church and the church choir. Donated time to many organizations and was of course an amazing father. And now, after all that - we won’t have a proper way to celebrate his life because of COVID. My Mom won’t have the company and warm embrace of friends and distant family. We won’t be able to have a huge gathering of people, all those who lives he touched. It’s so unfair, and I worry about my Mom.

I’m weak. Physically. I’ve been losing weight for months, and still having trouble recovering from surgical damage from the spinal resection. I’m exhausted and worried that I won’t be able to do all the things I need to do to help my family. I race between normality when I post here, to abject terror and sadness. Making things so much worse on top of all this, is the future of this country hangs in the balance. Sometimes I feel myself just shutting down, I want to run away and crawl into a hole. I don’t know how I can get through this being the strong support my Mom and younger sisters need.

I never thought I’d outlive my parents :(

Really sorry to hear this, Jeff, but you can get through it! You have no choice so you might as well make the best of it all. Find gratitude where you can and hang tough for your mom’s sake. No regrets.

For what it’s worth, I would be a shell of myself if my children were to pass before me.

Free advice that you can feel free to ignore if you want to. Give your dad the best that you can. I assume you’ve voted so at this point all that mess is beyond your control. Be like Elsa and “let it go.” Take care of yourself and focus on enjoying your parents together while you can. Allow yourself to feel how you feel.

Jeff, I think everyone on this board recognizes that you’ve been dealt a foul hand. You’ve played it with as much grace and dignity as is possible. You’ll be in my prayers tonight.

Sorry to hear it jpinard. Hang in there. I lost my Dad in July so the pain is still very fresh. If you’re not exposed on a regular basis, maybe you can get tested and spend some in-person time with your Mom? I know that’s tough to navigate in Covid times. We had a tough time with that in our family too. I am exposed daily at work, so I mostly spoke to Mom through the door and walked with masks on outside with my brothers.

jpinard, I don’t know you, but I respect the hell out of you. You are one of the most astoundingly strong people I can imagine. I lost my dad and my best friend this month, and I have had some bad days, but I look at your posts and I marvel at what you have been able to get through. You inspire me man, and days will get better.

Absolutely.

This too. Stay strong.

I’m so sorry @jpinard, that really sucks.

I am sorry to hear this. With everything going on, and that you’re going through, I’ve got to think that whatever support you are able to show right now means a LOT to the rest of your family. I hope you’re able to figure out a way to get your mom some of the help she needs from a distance.

I’ll second this. Do what you can for both your dad and mum, and know that so much of what is going on in the world right now is beyond your control. Hang in there @jpinard.

Seeing my Mom cry is killing me.

I’m so sorry @Abif @Rock8man

Hey Jeff, sorry to hear about your dad. It sucks to lose a parent, especially if you’re close to them.

I would encourage you to share what he means to you before he goes. However you can. I guarantee dads loving hear their sons tell them stuff like that!

Sending all the virtual hugs Jeff

So sorry to hear about this Jeff. Losing a parent is awful.

If appropriate, maybe tell him how much he means to you, and also reassure him that you’ll do what you can for your mom and other loved ones.

My heart aches for you, brother. I’m sending all the good vibes I can your way.

So sorry for what you and your father are going through, JP. Sending positive thoughts your way.

My condolences, jp. Be there for your Mom, you and your sister can help her together, and help each other. Go tell your Dad how much you love him, he’ll be so grateful.

Also, as a father, I can also say that it would destroy me to outlive one of my kids. So he did a great job helping you thru your hospital trips.

I respect you too, jpinard. I remember when you first came around here and took a beating from the then-dominant population of the board, never getting nasty and hitting back, remaining in earnest, and not quitting. I remember realizing, this dude’s pretty fucking tough.

And you are so forthright and able to make yourself vulnerable that anyone can see that playing through the pain is one of your superpowers, so you’ll be all right. Go do your thing with your family. Good luck.

Nicely put, JMJ. Nicely put.

Hang tough dude.

Jeff, your dad would never regard time spent helping you recover as time lost. His presence helped your recovery, that much is clear from how you write about him and clearly love him. Stay by him, stay strong, and more than ever give strength to your mum. It will be painful, it always is, but when the pain fades you’ll be left with the best parts of him.

Huh, I really don’t want to derail the thread, but if people were beating on the always-awesome @jpinard then I’m really glad they’re not the dominant population anymore.