LOTR humor 8-)

Games
#1

HotdogUK posted this at SimHQ, I thought was worth a smile, or two. :)

[At Bilbo’s 111th Birthday]
Merry: “Omg, I pwn”
Pippin: “Sif, I pwn”
**Rocket goes off
Gandalf: “Pwned!”

Bilbo: “This = shiz, bai foos”
Bilbo has left the server
Frodo: “***!?”

[later, in Bag End]
Gandalf: “Give teh ringz0r to Frodo”
Bilbo: “Sif! It r precious!”
Gandalf: “STFU NOOB!!!”
Bilbo: “ok”
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire

*Later
Gandalf: “Show me teh ring, foo!”
Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
Gandalf: “OMGZ, it R teh ring!”
Frodo: "?"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
Sam has been kicked from The Shire

[At Isengard]
Gandalf: “sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!”
Saruman: “Foo! U R teh noob!”
Gandalf: “***?!”
Saruman: “Sauron pwns joo!”
Gandalf: “Sif, I R leet”
**Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf
Saruman: “Pwned!”

[on the road to Bree]
Merry: “look foos, shrooms!”
Pippin: “Woot! Shrooms!”
Frodo: “Ph34r!”
Sam: “Shrooms!”
Frodo: “PH34R!1!1”
**black rider stops, sniffs, goes past
Frodo: “OMG, packetloss!”

[Bree, in the Inn of the Prancing Pony]
**Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips
Frodo has left the server
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: “OMGz, dc’d”
Aragorn: “OMG, noobz”

[at Weathertop]
Merry: “Mmm, shrooms!”
**MERRY IS BROADCASTING HIS IP ADDRESS!!!
Frodo: “Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz”

the black riders attack
Merry: “OMG!!!”
Sam: “O.M.G!!!11”
Pippin: "*"
Frodo has left the server
head nazgul stabs Frodo’s ghost
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "*… hax!"
**Aragorn lraps into the fray with a flaming brand
Aragorn: “PH34r!!!”
Merry: "LOLOL flamed! "

[on the road to Rivendell]
Aragorn: “ZOMG!Arwen!”
**Arwen rides up
Aragorn: “A/S/L? Wanna net secks?”
Arwen: “Sif! *** is up with Frodo?”
Sam: "teh leet Hax0r "
Arwen: “Firewall?”

**Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses the ford at Rivendell.
Arwen: “PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!”
**nazgul start to cross
Arwen: “LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!”
**the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away
Warning: Connection Problems Detected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
Arwen: “Pwnt”

[at the Council of Elrond]
Gimli: “dwarves pwn!”
Legolas: “Sif, Elves pwn!”
Boromir: “OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!”
Elrond: “STFU tards!!1!”
**Frodo puts the ring on the plinth
Gimili: “Sif ring pwns all!”
**Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters
Elrond: “**sigh, noob”

[Frodo meets up with Bilbo]
Bilbo: “OLOL, me = 10th level thief!”
Frodo: “OMG, u r teh pwn!”
Bilbo: “Do u still have teh ringz0r?”
**Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring
Bilbo: “OMG u tard, I want to TK you!”
Frodo: “sif!”
Bilbo: “ph34r my mithril”

[The Fellowship leaves Rivendell]
**Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains
Legolas: “ZOMG, leet gfx!”
Gimli: “I R dropping frames! FFS”
**There’s an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf
Gimli: “Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1”
Gandalf: “**Sigh. Moria?”
Gimli votes to change map to Moria
Votes 4 of 4 required
Legolas: “lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!”

[The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria]
Gandalf: “FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?”
**The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks!
Frodo: “OMG! ph34r!”
Boromir: “GL HF”
Aragorn [broadsword] guardian
Legolas [arrow] guardian
Gandalf: “gg”

[The fellowship enters the mines of Moria]
Gimli: “OMG!!! PWNED!”

After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a chamber with a large well
Gandalf: “teh bookz0r has some clues!”
Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well
Gandalf: “OMG! noob!”
Merry: “d’oh”
The fellowship hears the ork drums
Boromir: "?"
Aragorn: "?"
Frodo: “…”
Gandalf: “Oh ffs >.<”
**the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orks come
Boromir: “TEAMS FFS!”
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
ork: “OMG! h4x!”
Gimli: “pwned”!
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas: “lol!!”
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli: “Foos!”
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: “ffs, wallhax!”
**The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors
Gandalf: “Oh ffs!”
Boromir: “Omg, its teh boss!”
Aragorn: “Sif noob, we’re not at teh end yet!”
**Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then skewers Frodo
Sam: “OMG!”
Gandalf: “OMG!”
Aragorn: “omg, pwn!”
**Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head
Legolas [arrow] cavetroll
Ork: “OMG! PWNED!”
Gimli: “LOLOOLOL! noobs”
**The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of orks
Boromir: “FFS! Teams, foos!”
**A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orks withdraw
Aragorn: “Now THIS is teh boss!”
Gandalf: “OMG!”
*The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to crumble and fall. Orks shoot at them with arrows.
Legolas: “LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!”
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: “AIMBOT!”
ork: “turn it off!”
Legolas: “lolol!”
The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the balrog
Gandalf: “joo shall not pass!”
Balrog: "?"
Gandalf: “JOO SHALL NOT PASS!”
Balrog: “Sif, noob”
**Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing it to break under the Balrog’s weight
Balrog: “ZOMG! PWNED!”
Frodo: “OMG! Gandalf!”
**The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its whip, entangling Gandalf
Gandalf: “D’oh”
Frodo: “OMG, joo foo!”
Gandalf: “fly u foos, fly!”
**Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass
Gandalf has left the server
Balrog has disconnected

[After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien]
The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel
Galadriel: “For a noob, u r teh leet!”
Frodo: “Sif. I don’t want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?”
Galadriel: "****! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my own!1"

[The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river]
Saurman: “ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and pwnz0r them!”
uruk hai: “leet!”

[stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp]
Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts him
Boromir: “Gimmie teh ringz0r so ** hax can fight teh boss!”
Frodo: “Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!”
Boromir: “Naw, we play on non-pb servers”
Frodo: “STFU noob”
Frodo has left the server
Boromir: "*! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!"

**A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir
Boromir: “OH FFS, TEAMS!!”
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Boromir: “****ing campers”
**Aragorn comes across the battle
Aragorn: “Boromir joo noob! ***!”
Uruk Hai: “Hah, pwn!”
Aragorn [broadsword] Uruk Hai
Aragorn: “I bring joo teh pwn!”
**Aragorn goes to Boromir
Boromir: “Damn lag!”
Warning: Connection problems detected
Boromir has disconnected
Aragorn: “FFS!”

[Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat. Sam ‘sees’ him]
Sam: “Frodo! ***! Invisibility h4x!”
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: “Sam, STFU and FOAD!”
Sam: “Sif!”
Frodo: “Oh, ffs n00b!”

3Nd!!!11

Hotdognz

Apoligies if this has been posted here before.

#2

haha! I never saw this before… this is the best evah!

thanks for the post! made me laff…

#3

For the life of me I couldn’t figure out what “sif” meant, as I’ve never come across it before in all my gaming. I looked it up in a 1337 dictionary. I swear half of those are just made up.

“KAY - A name, also short for ok”

WTFLOL?!?!

#4

Legolas: “LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!”
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: “AIMBOT!”
ork: “turn it off!”

That rocks. And thanks, Tim, I was going to ask.

#5

That’s some funny stuff right there. I don’t care who y’ar.

#6

Thanks Tim, there was I thinking it had something to do with venereal disease. A pity the author of the dictionary doesn’t know what i.e. means :) .

#7

I didnt know what sif meant either.

olaf

#8

FFS, n00b!!!111

OLOLOL!!!11111
:P

#9

I also didn’t know what sif meant. My favorite part is Boromir complaining about teams. Can’t stop chuckling about that.

#10

Most of it makes sense to me despite not doing FPS stuff online, but I don’t get the teams thing (other than some vague impression that it basically means “Quit running around like chickens with your head cut off and work together, morons!”) Someone care to edumacate me?

I R n00b.

#11

sif = “as if”

(edited: OMG, i just wtfpwnd this thread.)

#12

“teams” is more about complaining about uneven teams, i.e. way too damn many orcs.

This one is older, but I thought it was funnier than the above… for those who haven’t read it:

Frodo looked out across the barren landscape, the Ring heavy in his pocket. “Oh, Sam, I’m so tired. We have travelled so far, and endured so much to come to this horrid place at last. But I cannot go on, I simply have not the strength to continue.”

“Enough of that, Mr. Frodo”, Sam said, tears welling in his sad brown eyes. The six months of travel showed on Samwise Gamgee, and the strain of getting to this hellish point echoed still in his darkened countenance. His hood was drawn up against the hot wind blowing from the slopes of the infernal mountain. “Mr. Elrond chose well, he did, when he held counsel. He saw through to your heart, and knew you would be strong, Mr. Frodo, and that’s what you are. Come now, let’s get moving. The faster we’re done with this unpleasant business the faster we can get back to the Shire.” Sam glanced uneasily at Gollum, still tressed in the elven rope, and scratching where it burned his skin. Gollum glared back at Sam, an unmistakeable hungry leer in his look.

“Aye, Samwise, it has been a long road, it’s true. I do wish old Bilbo had never found this ring, and started us all on this perilous…what was that noise? Orcs?”

On the path ahead, a commotion arose. Cheers and ragged screams welled from what sounded like a hundred voices filled the chasms around Mt. Doom with an unholy cacophany. From the cave mouth just ahead, where the Fires of Mt. Doom burned forever, a giant Ogre came stumbling out, and trod to within inches of where Gollum, Samwise, and Frodo sat. The three shrank back against the cliff in fear, but the ogre took no notice of them. Instead, he raised his cudgel to the sky, and screamed in the full timbre of his ogrish voice, “WOOT! Dark Lord PWNED!”

An answering call of a hundred voices echoed from without the cave, and many a shout of “Woot!” and “Gratz!” came, as more and more beings piled forth from the cave. Elves, Hobbits, Trolls, and Humans all came forth, slapping the ogre on the back and looking at a small black bag the ogre held in his other hand. “PWNED!”

“Uhm, excuse me…”, began Frodo.

“Eh?” the ogre turned and looked at the halfing, noticing him for the first time. “WTF are you doing here? Is that Mithril? Dude, WTF are you doing in this zone in Mithril? Go to Lothlorien, and get yourself a Galadriel Skin Tunic. It’s like so much better than that shit you’re wearing. Mithril, that’s like, tradeskill stuff, right? Hey, Ubernutz, check this hobbit out, he’s in this zone in fooking tradeskill shit!”

“Just a sec, Urofsuke,” a half elf said from a little ways up the trail. “I’m doing loot. Did you say tradeskill stuff? Hah, how lame!”

Frodo’s head swam, with hunger and the heat. “Yes, the tunic, it was forged by dwarves long ago, and was given to me by my Uncle…”

“You’re a twink?”

“Ah, hmm. I was just wondering…ah, you see, I found this Ring, lost for centuries, and was sent on a quest from Rivendell to destroy…”

“You’re doing the fooking QUEST?! BWAH, hahahah, that’s rich, dude, no one has the time to wait for that Gollum puke to spawn! Just come and kill TDL and get his hand, and do the turn in from there. WTF, I can’t believe you waited for the fooking ring.” Urofsuke peered down at the little hobbit, a look of distain across his broad face. “Doesn’t matter now, of course, we just pwned TDL and he won’t be around for a while.”

Frodo blinked, confused by the ogre’s words. “TDL…?”

Urofsuke sighed, and took on a tone of voice usually reserved for small, ogrish children who had eaten a froglok right before their dinnertime. “The Dark Lord, dude. The boss mob in this zone. We just killed him, so he won’t be up for you to do the quest part with that ring.”

“But the council of Rivendell…”

“Dude, let me tell you, Rivendell sucks. It’s only good for tradeskills. Only reason to go to that zone is to pharm crowns from Elrond. Nice crown, but it’s his rare. He usually just drops a no drop phial, heals damage from Mordor Blades. Like anyone uses one of those POS things.”

“Pharm…crowns?” Frodo’s vision blurred, and he swayed backwards, momentarily losing his footing. He knocked against Gollum, who let out a yelp and scampered further back against the cliff.

“Holy fook, it’s Gollum!” and without another word, Urofsuke smashed Gollum with a mighty blow from his cudgel, and killed the poor, pathetic creature outright. Gollum let out a small squeal, then lay still, pressed against the elven cord. “Hahahah! Fooking Greenie mob! I love those!”, and the ogre walked up and took a heretofore unseen bag from Gollum’s back. “Woot! Gollum’s satchel! This’ll bring me a couple kpp! Uh, dude, there’s another ring on the corpse, it’s no drop, and not lore, if you want it…”

“Now see here, Gollum was with us!” Samwise began, momentarily overcoming his bewilderment and fear to approach the towering ogre. “We were taking him to…”

“Can’t claim an outdoor mob, dude. Gollum’s FFA. If you didn’t attack him, he’s not your mob. Sorry, them’s the rules.”

“Urofsuke, my alt just reported Smaug up in Gondor, dude, let’s go!” Ubernutz had finished handing around what appeared to be a darkened sword and crown. “We’re porting out from here, you in?”

“Yeah, I"m coming. Well, nice talking to you guys. We’re porting to Gondor, you guys need a lift?”

“We have walked for many months to come to this place…” Frodo began again, trying to regain some measure of control over the situation.

“You WALKED? In MITHRIL? To MOUNT DOOM? Dude, there’s a port in at Minas Morgul! WTF ever, okay? I’m outta here.” And with that, a shimmering light surrounded the ogre, and a whooshing sound heralded his disappearance, and the disappearance of the other hundred or so souls that had gathered on that desolate trail, leaving Samwise and Frodo alone, once again, with only the bleeding corpse of Gollum for company. The one ring of power gleamed dully in Frodo’s hand, and seemed, for a long while, to be just a bit heavier than it had been.

#13

The one ring of power gleamed dully in Frodo’s hand, and seemed, for a long while, to be just a bit heavier than it had been.

Wow, that was really good. A Culture Clash of epic proportions. I’m not sure why Frodo wasn’t more outraged at Gollum’s death though.

#14

sif is a new one on me. To quote Danny Glover again “I’m getting too old for this shit”

side note: if Brian ever decides to do a statistic on who quotes Lethal Weapon the most, I win.

#15

Just for future reference, there is also ‘Seaf’ and ‘Seafnt’ , Sifn’t is also there.

As if and As if Not.