Married But;

This hit home for me. My wife has to tell me every little detail about her work, it’s part of her ‘decompress time’ afterward. I do not like to talk about work after work. I like to get far away from it, enjoy a game, watch a movie with her, whatever. As a joke one day I asked her, “why do you never ask me about work?” That was a mistake, as she immediately went defensive and said she thought I wanted that as a boundary, and I very much do. I apologized for even joking about it. I tell her about work when I need to, I don’t expect her or want her to bring it out of me, mostly because it puts me either into a more anxious or more pissed off mood in general. You don’t put 30 years into IT (or any job) without having a strategy to get away from it when you can.

If that’s one silly thing bugging you, have a heart-to-heart about it sometime when you’re both in a decent mood. “Hey babe, look, I know it’s strange but when I finish work I don’t want to talk about it. Usually I need to decompress for a bit. I don’t want to make you mad with an argument when it isn’t your fault you don’t know that. Please just help me get some time to unwind. I love you and I’d do the same if you ask.”

Chances are some light comment about that will bring up other things. Talk them out. What you aren’t saying here probably means there are things you aren’t saying there either.

BTW the pandemic and being around each other all the time has been hard on all of us. It’s okay to work through it.

If there are kids involved then you should attempt to repair the relationship if it’s possible but if it’s just you and her then maybe it’s time to bail. Life is too short and there a lot of new people out there who might be a better fit.

HEY! How the hell long you been married to my wife, @skipper?

Seriously, though. OP, I hope you can do some soul searching and work out your issues. My wife and I actually do have little in common, at least at first glance. But we share a common language (based on shared experiences and Seinfeld, mostly) and respect for each other that no one in this world would ever understand, and that no one else deserves. I’m sure if you dig deep, you’ll see that you’ve got something that you would be absolutely miserable without.

And if I’m overstepping, I apologize. And if I’m wrong, I hope you can find common ground with each other to move on.

Now I’m retired, but the wife still works. From home, but within screaming distance. And sometimes she really screams. :)

Her job is so stressful that I worry about her.

Thing is, when she comes down from her office freaking out I make sure that I’m completely supportive.

Even if I am thinking, Jesus Christ bitch you were screaming your ass off and pounding on shit most of the morning.

And I am seriously supportive of her. She fucking deserves it.

Edit: I hope that if and when she returns to a serious corporate environment… she learns to stop yelling shit at her co-workers, after ending the chat.

Hah, I can relate. That was something I had to get sorted out with my wife. She would make an effort to ask about my workday every single time I got home. For me, the last thing I want to do when I get off work is talk about work because inevitably some problem I’ve been trying to resolve will get back in my head and sit there and spin all evening. I need to compartmentalize that stuff, work needs to stay at work.

I can so relate to all of this. Enterprise software system guy here, and part of my coping is by not dwelling on things. Once a situation is past, let it go. I don’t want to talk about it once the day is over, with very rare exceptions.

My wife wants to talk about her day, and her coworkers. I doubt my wife knows the name of more than one of my coworkers.

Lots of good advice there, particularly 3. And I can vouch for all of them in my personal experience as well. Thanks for sharing, AK_Icebear.

My poor wife needs to listen every crazy new rule and procedure I have been learning about in my classwork to become a claims specialist. This class has been going on for 6 months, and won’t end till August.

I honestly don’t know how she puts up with it, but trying to explain it too her helps me retain the stuff. It’s so dry, and honestly, it really really complicated, dealing with all the federal and state regulations that come along with Disability.

She must be a saint, pretending to listen to me about this stuff.

I know her pain. My wife works in unemployment and I’ve been hearing about their new system, and how much it sucks, for the better part of a year. I know she sees my eyes glaze over. I mean, she HAS to.

@roguefrog , I hope you work through things with her as you can. If nothing else, we need to form a, “don’t want to talk about work after work,” group here on QT3. Maybe that’s part of the reason we come here.

@138 @RichVR @KevinC and @CraigM will join us in leading the meeting. I think since Rich mentioned he’s not working he has to take meeting minutes. I’ll bring beverages and refreshments.

As old as I am taking the minutes will take hours.

It won’t take much to record:

  1. 17:00 Meeting opens, all usual parties are in attendance.
  2. 17:02 First topic brought up: work.
  3. 17:05 Drinking has begun.
  4. 18:45 Minor squabble broken up over the correct pronunciation and use of," choggle pants."
  5. 19:00 Meeting wrap after spontaneous karaoke break-out.

I’m in.

I pronounce it like cho’glé. Pretty sure he’s the French-speaking nephew of this guy.

I’m partial to either the American Southern version: chog-ull (like chogg cull)
Or of the inherent German historical phrasing: chö-gell (like khoa gail)

I like to think that Gary drew from multiple historical contexts during creation of the phrase.

Just wanted to say I appreciate the replies so far. Tough times with the mother of my child with whom I’m coparenting this past week. Keeping things on an even keel is sometimes the best to hope for, that it may have a cumulative effect.

I am only impassioned here.

I hide things like my bottle of whisky. I only do this because…I am an alcholic, and always want to drink way more than my wife would ever allow. I made this thread during a regular binge, which is why it is in the totally wrong forum category. This is the truth. Duh.

Plot twist. My wife might have symptoms of corona suddenly. She is getting a test tomorrow hopefully. She is a nurse that has to travel a lot. I hope for the best.

Ahhh so it sounds like there are other issues here other than marital problems. Do you think the drinking is a significant source of conflict? Maybe if we could take that out of the equation then perhaps the other problems wouldn’t be too overwhelming. Of course, I’m saying that as if it’s the easiest thing to do, which of course it isn’t.

I would agree with much of this. I would add that I have been back at work since June, and my wife chose to not return to her office amid all the covid stuff and has retired. She is home pretty much 24/7 except for grocery store visits. I think she is having a rougher time with the isolation than me since I actually interact with people all day. But yea, I do hate hearing her describe her facebook and text day when I get home.

I will be honest about your opening post, it read like someone who had been drinking, and it was on the wrong forum category. But I will not judge the content and emotion behind it as I am no expert on relationships.