Misplaced Onion article?

McGruff Survives a Beat-Down.

Best part:

Brim, 38, later told a supervisor that he was trying “to be funny,”

[COLOR=#3787df]“Other[/COLOR] [COLOR=#3787df]mascots[/COLOR] in the area have been placed on heightened alert.”

I like that.

“Other mascots in the area have been placed on heightened alert.”

I like that.

The people on the beat mascot beat are having too much fun. I love the title ‘Creepy New Screech Ready to Scare Kids’.

A bus driver, you say?

“Pow, right in the kisser!”

Back in ye olde days we knew the kid in the Noid outfit waving at cars outside the local Domino’s, so we did one day put a Four Horseman-style faux beatdown on him as honking motorists drove on by. Good times.

Then you ripped off his head and it turned out to be a mentally retarded black person, and you served 10 years in prison for a hate crime. Even better story.

True, although snitchin on people got me out in 2.

Was it a clubberin’? Remember, it takes at least four fists for a clubberin’ to have occurred.

I used to deliver singing telegrams. I was at a pool party in a pink elephant suit, did my telegram, and on the way out two drunk jokers thought it would be funny to push the elephant in the pool.

So one stopped me and tried drunkenly talking to me, while the other got down on all fours. Then the drunk pushed me and I went head over heels into the pool.

Ha ha.

Except the head and feet of the costume were made of foam that sucked up the water like a sponge (hell, it was a sponge). And the terrycloth suit got very heavy very quickly.

I sank like a stone and stayed on the bottom of the pool.

After a moment of struggling I realized that swimming up wasn’t going to work, so I got out of the costume as quickly as I could. It took a bit of doing, especially the feet.

Happy pink elephant went into the pool and really pissed off me came out. One of the drunks claimed to be a lifeguard and claimed he was going to rescue me any second.

The people who owned the house and pool started apologizing profusely, offered to put the costume in the dryer, sat me down and calmed me down.

My boss laughed, mostly because that was my last delivery of the day and I wasn’t late for anything else.

Oh, and they tipped me 100% (hopefully with the drunks’ money).

While I read that I kept hoping to see the words “so I kicked all of their asses at once” or “so I suplexed the drunk into the pool”. Come on, they were drunk, you could have taken them.

Actually I had a beer and a burger while I waited for my elephant costume to dry.

The drunks were expelled from the party by the people who owned the house.

Everyone was scared I’d call the cops and sue.

I would have been near panic when the suit sank, good for you on being calm and good-natured about it.

Yeah, if I’d come that near to drowning thanks to some drunken idiot’s excuse for a sense of humor, I think I’d have come out of the pool swinging. That is some exceptional self-control on Dean’s part.


I’m a wuss. Honest.