Most regretted moments of your life

All the things I most regret are instances of me being mean to my kids, out of frustration or being in an especially bad mood or whatever.

To be fair kids can quite often be major assholes at times particularly at ages 1-6, which is why I brought it up in the first place; this is, believe it or not, normal. Really.

But you never truly forget how it felt, in that moment, to do those things to them in return. It is like drinking poison.

This is a topic I think about a lot, and not at a healthy level. I use my writing to kind of work out my thoughts, sometimes, and I publish them. This might not be the smartest thing I’ve ever done. In fact, there are a couple of friends that have been editors, @tomchick included, that stopped me from publishing stuff that would be very harmful. I don’t have much of a filter - for good and bad (mostly bad) - and have a hard time distinguishing what I should and shouldn’t say about myself. If you’re curious, a couple of recent examples of this are linked below.

In the spirit of the thread, though, I’ll tell you folks about one I haven’t written about.

When I was 16, my grandmother collapsed and went into a coma. A few weeks later, she passed away. This story is about the night she died.

Nana had been in the hospital for a few weeks and she wasn’t doing well. We spent a large amount of time at the hospital, sitting. I was a trouble student in school and was always in trouble. I had been kicked out of school the year before for breaking stuff and causing trouble. I was at a point in life where I had a hard time figuring out what was what. I was a late in life child and my brothers and sisters were much older than me. I didn’t have a lot of friends, and the friends I had were always playing D&D. So, around this time, the same time, I had been playing D&D with my friends via three-way calling. When you were on a three-way call, the phone would be busy, even if you had call waiting.

I had waited til late at night, and we all called each other and were playing. Then there was a knock at the door. It was my grandfather. They had been trying to call because Nana was dying. The phone had been busy. By the time we made it to the hospital, she was gone. it will be 25 years this fall, and I still want to cry when I think about it. I stopped my mom from saying goodbye to her mother because I wanted to play D&D. So selfish and stupid.

My mom was never that upset, she always said I had saved her having to see he mother die. Maybe she’s telling the truth, maybe not, but it will never change that feeling.

Your kids haven’t reached the teenage years yet? Nothing is worse than the intentionally assholeish teenager with raging hormones.

Wow, that really sucks man. I don’t know that this will help and I don’t want to undermine your feelings, but I want to say that I watched my Dad die and she’s not wrong to want to have avoided it. If she’s expressing that feeling truthfully then you should believe her.

Yea, I have had relatives express the same kind of thought. You want to see someone before they are in that last moment. I saw my father die, believe me when I say I could have done without that.

I watched my dad die, but it was peaceful. He was unconscious and he just slowed down and then stopped. The doctor was walking us through the process as it happened, describing what was going on and what was happening next.

It was sad but expected. He was very tired. He had fought for a long time and was just worn out.

That pretty much describes my experience as well. It was in a hospice and we were just waiting. For myself I really took nothing from it, death was coming whether I was there or not and he hadn’t been “awake” for quite awhile.

I’ve had a few. But then again, TOO few to mention.

Thank you. I was with my wife when her father passed. It was really unpleasant. I wasn’t with my dad, and I’m kind of glad in a way.

It is unlikely you could hide your real feelings about this for long, so I think this sentiment should be taken at face value.

Also the crappy 3 way calling fucked you over, that was not your fault. In a sane world they would have sent you a Twitter DM.

My father had a stage of about two years where he was in the hospital probably once every month or two. Several times, they did not think he would make it, but he did. This was not something that was going to be cured (congestive heart failure) - he had spent way too long overweight and otherwise unhealthy, plus he was at that point in his 70s.

I always sort of assumed that one time, he wouldn’t make it, but that it would be in the hospital or something. Then he had a short period of time where he seemed to be better (at least not always in the hospital). One morning I got a call - he had died in the middle of the night - incredibly quick (and hopefully quite painless) - the theory was that he did not even feel it or see it coming, as my mother literally thought he was asleep in his chair when she came out in the morning.

So I never got to “say goodbye” in the hospital, and did not watch him pass away. I’m not sure that is necessarily a bad thing, as I’m not sure how I would have dealt with actually watching him die. I would have perhaps liked to have been able to say goodbye, but though I do not specifically remember the last time I saw him, I’m very comfortable that there was no fighting, I told him goodbye and that I loved him, and left on good terms.

Though my father had some major issues that made my childhood fairly difficult (to be fair, I have issues too that in part stem from my childhood, though I do not think they impact my kids in the same way or at least I do my best not to let them), I think we left on as good of terms as we could have. I think that is the important part - not necessarily that you need to “be there” for the final moment, but that hopefully you remember your time together as good.

Even if you don’t have that, you have to try not to beat yourself up over it. Life is messy. It’s not like a television drama, where things plan out, people make it to the death bed, etc. In life, people do not die in according with dramatic timing. Often, they just die unexpectedly like my father. As appealing as it sounds to always have our meetings be as if it might be the last time we see each other, our minds do not work that way. You just do the best you can.