I am glad everyone is having such a fun time with NWN, scripting their adventures for the talking toilet and attaching a flush sound to the invisible object to make it fit with the scripting engine. Here is the news for you: the multiplay in this game is boring. Check that, I meant it is fucking boring. Spend all the time you want telling your clever fantasy stories, boys, because when it comes time to run them, they will suck. And here is why.
Five guys get together to go through a dungeon. Actually it’s a carefully laid out, story-driven adventure over hill and over dale, through a town and into a dungeon. Fine so far. Early on, the party meet a NPC. Who will speak to him? One of us. But wait, not everyone was listening to or (actually) READING the dialogs. So we click through them again. What was that? Too fast? Fuck. This is taking forever. What do we do? Wait, I am re-arranging my inventory. Dudes, I am encumbered. Who can take this stuff off my hands? Are you listening? Hey, I’m getting fucking killed over here!? Oh man sorry, I was shopping, this armor sucks. Did you not hear my cries for help? No I did not. All the text is in the same window. Why can’t it beep when you need help? And so on into ever-greater chaos. We all quit. True story. Happened just recently.
How can this be? It must be the fault of the MODULE DESIGNER! No fear among the smarty-pants quartertothree-ers. Oh no, they cry, my module is not so tedious, it is the height of inspiration and divine storytelling! No it isn’t because listen up, and this includes you Ben Sones: the best type of adventure in this game is one where everyone gets to fight a lot of monsters. The more text you have, the more the game slows down, and the … more … boring … it … is. Because I am controlling one guy, and I am bored right NOW. And now. And again now. Oh I killed one monster, or a small group of monsters. Now I am bored again because thief-man ran over there because HE was bored, because we can’t fight that golem until one other dillweed re-spawns because HE got bored and wandered off and got killed by a trap.
Hahaha! And so he should have! He is not a good role-player to do so and wander off unawares, and thus his comeuppance is served! Only through careful and coordinated cooperation of Ernie, Bert, and Mr. Hooper can the Snuffleuppagus be snared. But that is the whole problem, ladies and gentlemen: on a computer it does not work. Ever try to coordinate a group in Everquest? There you are camped, and the goal is common and clear and fucking simple. In NWN it is far, far worse because you have to FORCE yourself to spend most of your time just following people around in a group. The more story, the harder it is to stay together. The more fighting, the less plot. In EQ, you are fighting, and then you are fighting. You have leveled! You can run where you will. But in NWN you have to stay until storytime is over, and then you can only run in one direction.
After playing it for three hours, I can see what would have worked best: a series of scripted, set-piece combats against ever-tougher monsters where a balanced party is needed for success. Engage! Defend! Cast a spell! Cast a counterspell! Oh, a sneak attack by master rogue! All action-oriented endeavors. The computer is about action. The sit-down, talk-it-out, DM-led think-tank approach to medieval problem-solving only works face-to-face, because once you remove all that multi-person interaction, you realize how little there actually is to DO. Unless you are fighting nearly all the time. This is not a theory, citizens. It is now proven fact. Bioware has brought pen-and-paper multiplay to the PC, and it blows ass.
I can hear the reasoned yet gratingly verbose tones of the Brian Rucker Brigade: oh dear, this sort of wanton combat does not satisfy my need to explore the many complex interactions of a fictional world riven by factional strife in a dynamic setting using multivariable calculus! Guess what, gentlemen? While the pen-and-paper scenario is a truly worthwhile pursuit on a rainy Saturday afternoon, it does not work via networked computers because --I said it already-- it is not suited to a guy with a mouse in one hand (and the other in his pants, that’s for you Met_K). Standing around together building storybook scenes in the midst of a desolate land sounds like a ripping good time, until you actually have to do it, and then it is nothing like what you thought it would be like, because you didn’t think it would suck, but it actually does.
Mark my words, people: the “design-your-own” multiplayer experience, complete with or without cyber-DMs, is going to fall flat on its fucking face. Dead. You will not be able to play through a gripping adventure with your friends, because all you will be gripping by the end is your head in exasperation (and your cock, Met_K a shout out again). After all the hoopla about shared adventures and the pen-and-paper D&D finally comes to the computer, here is what you will have: a mod-able solo RPG game in which your are fatally, show-stoppingly stuck with a single player-character and one henchman, and a battle royale throwaway skirmish combat mode that won’t last longer than the average beat-em-up in terms of popularity.
Wait for it. The GameSpots and RPG Vaults are all aglow with the solo game, which isn’t so hot either, but at least it isn’t terrible. Fuck, it’s not even as good as Baldur’s Gate. One. But it’s 3D and the combat looks cool with the circling and slashing. No matter. The acid test is whether years from now, the boys and girls will be curled up in front of their computers reading text box after text box while cats purr in their laps and their compatriots all stand at respectful attention while they find out who Lady Desmerelda wants slain, or smoten, or delivered of a secret package. It ain’t gonna happen. You’ll see. The enthusiasm is gonna leak outta this one like any coital metaphor my homey Met_K wants to throw down.
This is the way the fantasy world ends, not with a bang, but in mind-numbing boredom. Goodnight, gents.